I just saw the new billboard for Eagle Eye, the new Shia Lebouf movie, and I immediately had two thoughts. First, we’re going to be seeing a lot of LeBeouf in the coming years (so long as he stops pounding drinks and getting behind the wheel. You’re rich, hire a driver, dummy!). And second, since we’re going to be seeing a lot of Shia, that must mean he’s becoming a major movie star. How do I know this? Because I own a copy of the “How To Become A Movie Star” handbook*. Unfortunately, I wasn’t on a Disney show and Steven Spielberg doesn’t have a crush on me, so you’re stuck with Shia. Shame. I would have made quite the Mutt Williams.

Back to Eagle Eye. Apparently, the path to movie stardom leads you right through the “Paranoid Thriller” genre. Every gigantic movie star has dabbled in it, sometimes early in their career, and sometimes on numerous occasions. Shia seems to be taking both of these to heart, because he already starred in Disturbia just a year ago and now he’s back with Eagle Eye. The Paranoid Thriller is a prerequisite to movie stardom. I’m convinced. And now I will convince you. Behold:

If you’re looking for a paranoid thriller at your local movie store, just look for an extremely drab box. By the way, and if you’re wondering who thinks people are after him the most…

Here’s a fun game. Name some more paranoid thrillers starring big-time actors. They don’t even have to be good (Paycheck, Butterfly Effect), but the actor should be at or above the Affleck/Kutcher status line at the time the movie was made.

* “How To Become a Movie Star” Handbook doesn’t exist, but here are three tips: Love what you do, believe in your talents, and be willing to work hard and sacrifice everything for your dreams. If those fail, be willing to skin George Clooney and wear his flesh. It’s the closest you’ll get to fame.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 at 12:19 am and is filed under Editorial, Film. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.