Back and nerdier than ever.

I’m a Kevin Smith fan, so it’s hard to be unbiased when writing a review of a Kevin Smith movie (Hell, I even liked Jersey Girl). Zack and Miri Make a Porno is his latest, and big shocker, I liked it quite a bit. Not sure if I can say I completely loved it, but it’s got a lot of rewatchability and it’s anchored by one of Seth Rogen’s best performances. It also proves that Kevin Smith still knows his way around four letter words. And while Smith has always been about “dick and fart jokes,” Zack and Miri is the first time he really, really turns them into visual gags. In fact, there’s one joke in the movie that will probably make you gag, but judging by the audience’s reaction, it’ll also have you laughing for about 2 minutes. It’s one of the best/worst gross-out gags put on film.

Zack and Miri is a story about two friends who have fallen on hard times. They can’t even pay their bills to keep their electricity and water on. When they return to their 10-year high school reunion, they have trouble facing the fact that 10 years have gone by and they’ve done nothing with their lives. At one point Miri asks Zack, “We’re better than those people, right?” and Zack flatly answers, “No,” adding, “Well, unless one of them is on crack.” It’s actually a refreshing exchange that shows some maturity in Kevin Smith’s writing. Normally his characters are holier-than-thou slackers who still feel the world is in front of them, so they can piss on those around them. Even in Clerks 2, Randall was still treating customers like dirt even though he hadn’t progressed beyond flipping burgers. Here we have people who realize they haven’t reached any potential, and probably won’t achieve those big dreams they may have once had. It’s something that strikes a chord with a lot of late 20-somethings, and it’s brought sharply into focus at the high school reunion.

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Just when I started to think, “This isn’t a very good video,” Billy Dee shows up out of nowhere! God damn he’s smooth.

With all due respect to David Lynch. Here’s last year’s Halloween video.

That’s what you get for eating my Charleston Chews!

Taking a week off from Sticky Floor Friday, but I’ll be back later to give a roundup of the movies coming out, and an Essential Horror Movie list that covers all the classics!

Dead Alive

Horror Subgenre: Gorefest!

Dead Alive is a masterpiece of the gore genre. Never before (or since) has there been a film to match the amount of blood and body parts contained in this film. Long before Peter Jackson was the Lord of the Rings, he concocted this ridiculous horror film a about a stop-motion, virus-spreading rat-monkey. It’s a crowd pleaser for everyone out there. There’s a little star-crossed romance for the ladies. There’s a complex mother-son relationship for families to identify with and discuss. And there’s zombie sex for, well, everyone else.

This isn’t a scary movie by any means. It’s an attempt to put as much dismemberment, brains, and blood on the screen as possible. It’s also a technical wonder. The practical effects in this movie are astonishing, and even the ones that aren’t (a zombie baby played by a midget) are played up for humor. Bodies are ripped apart and mangled with such a playful zest that it’s often hard not to laugh at the over-the-top nature of each bloody, ripped-out rib cage.

There are so many inventive kill shots, it’s difficult to choose a favorite. Dead Alive makes brilliant use of the following things: a garden gnome, a lawnmower, a giant puppet with puppet-y boobs, and attacking flatulent intestines. And I haven’t even given away the good parts! Now look, this movie is bloody, violent, and over the top. It makes Kill Bill look like Care Bears. I’ve shown it to people who can’t stomach it (although my younger sister loves it and bought it for me for Christmas, making her the only girl in history to adore a movie about a monkey who was raped by a rat). But one thing is guaranteed: You will NOT be bored or fall asleep to this one. I love gory movies that take the violence to such an extreme that it becomes almost like a dare to see how creative and ridiculous they can get with human dismemberment. Dead Alive is at the top of the Gorefest genre, made with a bloody wink to audience and a real love for special effects.

Must-See Moment: When Lionel finally realizes his destiny and takes to the zombified party-goers with a lawnmower. It’s a scene filled with so much blood and guts, Lionel has trouble standing on the slippery floor.

From an airport!

Troll 2

Horror Subgenre: Unintentional Comedy

Ohhh yes. I’ve been hip-pocketing this one a while now, waiting to unleash it onto the unsuspecting masses. It’s time to talk a little Troll 2, the worst horror movie of all time!

So why would I want to talk about a horrible horror movie? Because there’s something magical about this retarded collection of moving images (even calling it a film would be giving it too much credit). This is, top to bottom, the funniest unintentional comedy I’ve ever seen. For instance, the name of the movie is Troll 2. But guess what? There are NO TROLLS to be found. Not a one. They’re goblins. We know this because the name of the town is called Nilbog, and a crucial plot point revolves around the main character realizing Nilbog spelled backwards is goblin! But trolls aren’t the only thing missing from this movie - it’s also missing actors. It’s very clear no one in Troll 2 has been in front of a camera before. The guy who plays the dad is a dentist in real life. A dentist! So keep this in mind: The trolls in Troll 2 are goblins, and the actors are dentists.

Did I mention the goblins are actually midgets in burlap sacks and Dollar Store Halloween masks? ‘Cause they are. See for yourself:

The fact that there aren’t even any Trolls (or actors, or budget, or script, or sense of self respect) bumps this thing into its own class of genius.T2 is about…Okay, it’s not really about anything. There’s a kid who talks to his dead grandpa. The grandpa convinces the kid to piss all over his family’s dinner, which consists of donuts. And then goblins show up and harass the family with sack lunches.

That’s pretty much the plot summary. But it’s not so much what Troll 2 is about as what it embodies. There’s a spirit of suckiness here that far transcends the “so bad it’s good” theory. It’s beyond bad. And because of that, it’s beyond good. It is its own entity. It causes me to use words like ‘suckiness’ to describe it, but you’ll notice I also used words like ‘genius.’ Troll 2 fits into the category of “Never watch this alone with the lights out,” because if you watch it alone, you won’t have anyone to turn to and crack jokes, and if the lights are out, you’ll just fall asleep. Troll 2 is an abomination worth ripping apart with friends, so pass out the beers, pop this junk in the DVD player, and let the jokes fly.

To quote an exchange from this symphony of suck:

…And that trick was making Troll 2.

MUST-SEE MOMENT: Technically, none of these moments should be seen by anyone, but the dinner scene where Joshua gets up on the table and pees on the food is probably the pinnacle and really showcases the level of quality we’re dealing with.

Last night on Spike TV’s Scream 2008 (An awards show for horror movies, except mostly sci-fi and comic book movies won, and the big celebration of the night was an award given to George Lucas?), a teaser was released for the Friday the 13th remake and guess what? it adds nothing new to the series. Aside from the slick Michael Bay-style visuals, it feels like it could have been a generic scene from any Friday the 13th sequel. Where’s the tension? Where’s the creativity? The best part was hearing the old music again.

Thank God! That was my first reaction after seeing Rocknrolla, the new movie from Guy Ritchie. After struggling to maintain the success of Snatch, Ritchie fell into a funk, directing two superbombs that seemed to indicate his flashy style was simply a flash in the pan. Swept Away and Revolver were so dreadful, they barely got a release in the United States, and Revolver even starred everyone’s favorite man-crush, Jason Statham! So you can imagine my fear walking into his latest effort. But rest assured, nerds, RocknRolla is a solid effort and proof that Ritchie can be relevant again.

Trying to explain this movie would hurt my brain and my fingers. I can just call it a Guy Ritchie movie, and you could probably figure out what the plot is. Essentially, it’s low level criminals working to get their share against a wealthy kingpin. There are coincidences, plot twists, and a subplot involving a Russian and a painting. It takes about a half hour for the movie to get on track, simply because there’s so much to explain before we get into the story. It’s tedious at first, trying to sort out what each character does and why they’ll be essential to the story, but it’s worth getting through. The main character and narrator is Archie, a steady, likable character despite being the assistant for the underworld crime boss. I really liked the performance of Mark Strong, who plays Archie as an intelligent, fiercely loyal person with a mean backhand slap. Gerard Butler subs for the usual Jason Statham character in this movie, and he does an adequate job. His character is pretty thin, but he’s engaging and stable enough to enhance the wacky characters around him. Plus, he has several scenes where he dances, and they’re all funny.

As with every Guy Ritchie movie, violence and comedy go hand in hand. Rocknrolla is notable for an extended robbery/chase scene that seems to go on forever, but never feels dull. At one point, One Two is escaping a pissed-off, indestructible Russian on foot and they’re too exhausted to even break into a sprint. When the Russian falls to his knees, out of energy, One Two double backs and slaps him in the face, just for kicks. His enjoyment is ruined when a second, equally tired Russian shows up to continue the low speed pursuit. And even when you think it’s over, it just keeps going, piling on amusing gimmicks. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a slow foot chase on film, and never realized how entertaining it would be.

I also like how the title Rocknrolla doesn’t really make sense until things become more clear. The kingpin has a junkie rock star son who fakes his own death to sell more albums and do more drugs. That seems to be the extent of his story until he comes into possession of a painting that sends him on a crash course with his estranged father and ultimately ties every character together. It’s refreshing to see this cardboard character expand before your eyes and add an unexpected element to the proceedings. In fact, there are a lot of characters who are full of surprises, and part of Rocknrolla’s strength is revealing them at opportune moments.

Chances are you won’t catch Rocknrolla in theaters, as it had a limited release, but I definitely recommend picking it up on DVD if you were a fan of Lock Stock and Snatch. The formula hasn’t changed, but Guy Ritchie has toned down his more overstylized elements and delivered a solid crime tale with some really funny moments.