I caught up on a lot of bad movies between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. This is a document of those movies.

Revelation #1: There Really Aren’t Any Good New Year’s Movies.

Remember that movie Strange Days? Written by James Cameron, starring Ralph Fiennes? Okay, you probably don’t. I don’t remember much about it either, except for some virtual reality stuff with Juliette Lewis. (Wow, remember the “virtual reality” craze in movies? Lawnmower Man 2 and Virtuosity come to mind immediately. And immediately give me a headache). I also remember Strange Days took place on New Year’s Eve. And I’m having a difficult time remembering another movie that takes place on New Year’s Eve. Am I just missing a really big one, probably titled New Year’s Eve and starring Pacino, Stallone, Darryl Hannah, Dudley Moore, and Patrick Swayze? Probably not.

Revelation #2: Mamma Mia! is easily the most embarrassing career move anyone in that movie has ever made.

Yes, I mentioned this in my prior post. I was forced to watch Mamma Mia! over the Christmas break. The Dad With Words threatened to take back my David Lynch box set. When presented with this horrifying situation, I reverted to the old standby — “It’s for research.” Then, I slogged through the depths of hell for two hours so I could come back and write about it here. So, yes. I did see Mamma Mia! and I can safely presume it’s the lowest I’ll ever see Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgard go. Don’t believe me? I’ve got PROOF!

That’s James FREAKING Bond there, kids. James. Freaking. Bond. The only positive thing about Mamma Mia! is that I learned I’m better than Pierce Brosnan at something — singing. I’m not saying I’m a talented singer. I’m saying an emphysema sufferer coughing the lyrics to “Dancing Queen” might sound more appealing than Mr. Bond.

I’ve also never seen a film jammed with ridiculously happy people. Every single person in the movie is smiling, and even when there’s an issue they need to confront, they’re still smiling away. No one ever stops smiling, probably for fear that once they do, the heavy weight of this awful, awful movie will come crashing down, sending them into a spiraling depression.

Revelation #3: Eagle Eye. More Like Ehhgle Eye.

I like DJ Caruso. I thought Disturbia was a tidy little entertaining package. Eagle Eye approaches its story in the same manner, but I wasn’t nearly as pleased once the credits rolled. Oddly enough, Disturbia is an updated teen version of Rear Window, but it actually felt more fresh than Eagle Eye, an original film based off an original Spielberg idea. If you saw Enemy of the State ten years ago, or my post on “paranoid thrillers,” you know exactly what to expect here, except with 12 more car chases and a touch of predictable science fiction.

Revelation #4: The House Bunny is not a good movie. Anna Faris is hilarious. Therefore, Anna Faris is impervious to bad movies.

It pains me to not be able to dropkick The House Bunny into the dirt. If this movie starred anyone but Anna Faris, it would be just another cookie cutter college movie; losers become popular, then learn a lesson about popularity. Oh, and they save their sorority in the process. The supporting cast is weak (Colin Hanks could have easily been played by a cardboard cutout with a bewildered look on its face), the plot twists are unnecessary (Isn’t it funnier to think Hef kicked out a bunny because she’s old, not because another Playmate was scheming to get the centerfold?), and any joke not delivered by Anna Faris lands awkwardly on the ground and breaks its leg (coincidentally, where the funny bone is located). But this movie has two things going for it. First, Anna Faris is extremely funny. Her timing and delivery elevate the terrible material to undeserving levels. Her offbeat humor, like saying everyone’s name in a deep growl for no reason when she first meets them, adds an unexpected element to her character. And second, Anna Faris is dressed like this for an hour and a half:

Revelation #5: Zodiac. Finally, a movie I liked!

After seeing Benjamin Button, I felt I had to finally get around to watching David Fincher’s previous film, Zodiac. It had been in my Netflix queue for months, and when it finally arrived, it sat on my coffee table for a few more months, the dreaded running time (2 hours, 37 minutes) mocking me every time I sat down. That’s one of several 150+ minute movies I’ve sent back to Netflix unwatched. So when I was walking through Blockbuster a few days ago, disgusted at myself for how many of the movies I’d already seen, I accidentally kicked a box over on the shelf behind me. It happened to be Zodiac. This movie is the definition of a procedural. It’s extremely thorough in documenting the obsession of the media and law enforcement and despite its running time, I felt like there was always something compelling happening. Anyone walking into this movie expecting a thriller had to be greatly disappointed. There are very few scenes of tension, and the biggest one seems out of place (Gyllenhall visiting the projectionist). I liked seeing how the pieces of the investigation fit together, from minor details of who called in a murder to how the authorities had to navigate the red tape just to get a simple search warrant. I’m not usually a procedural guy. But Zodiac interested me because it could have easily been made as a slasher/thriller/serial killer hunt, yet Fincher decided to labor on the tiny details and the movie benefits from it greatly. Plus, it’s got Robert Downey Jr.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pm and is filed under Film. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.