Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Relevation #1: No Time For Love, Mike Myers.
The Love Guru got crushed this weekend, and I can’t say I’m surprised. Despite endless promotion (pandering), the movie just didn’t click with people. The trailer was unfunny, off-kilter, and vaguely offensive. Not to mention, the reviews were beyond rotten. I’d like to officially open the debate as to which movie was worse: The Love Guru, or Dana Carvey’s Master of Disguise.
Revelation #2: YouTube Hates The Nerd With Words. Changes Mind
In trying to get my videos on the site as quickly as possible, I sometimes go through YouTube. Well, apparently someone didn’t like my most recent video, because it was REMOVED from YouTube a day later, citing copyright problems. Was it the people behind Get Smart or The Love Guru who forced the video to be taken down?? Well, considering I dropped a giant X on Guru, my bet’s on the loser of the weekend. It’s very telling that every one of my previews use trailer footage, but this was the first to get taken down. But then, I checked my account today and the video was back up. Now I’m just confused.
Revelation #3: Hot Fuzz is a great movie, but a victim of its own gratuitousness
Last night I got caught up watching Hot Fuzz on HBO. It’s an extremely sharp, hilarious satire of action movies, but ultimately gets caught up its own rules to be as sleek and enjoyable as Shaun of the Dead. The biggest reason for this is the running time. I sat through an hour and a half of the movie only to turn it off with 30 minutes to go because I knew how much longer I had before it was over. By that point, they’ve busted the murder case wide open and had a firefight in the square, but there’s still so much more to go. Obviously that’s the point of Hot Fuzz — its fierce loyalty to over-the-top action movies requires it to be two hours long. Of course, I can never stay mad at a movie that idolizes Point Break.
Revelation #4: I Got A New Air Conditioner…With A Remote!
Hopefully I will be less ornery in the Sticky Floor Fridays to come. When I was handed the remote, I told the repair men that today is the greatest day of my life. Sad thing is, I think I believe myself.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: The Incredible Hulk Was Incrediblah.
I loved the first hour of The Incredible Hulk. Ed Norton trying to control his rage, escaping danger on the rooftops of Brazil, seeking out a cure to his Jekyll and Hyde ailment. But once The Abomination started to take over the movie, my eyes glazed and my ears bled. Wall-to-wall CG action wrestles the movie away from Norton and turns it into a cartoon. There are times when Hulk looks believable. Usually in shadows. I know in this day and age there’s no other way to make The Hulk. People would be disappointed with a Hulk the size of Lou Ferrigno, but there’s gotta be a more effective way to present this creature. The most interesting part about The Hulk is Bruce Banner. Once he transforms, it’s just a lot of yelling and ruining of city property. The real problem came when Tony Stark showed up. Robert Downey Jr. just lights up the screen, and something’s wrong when a character from another movie shows up, and makes you wish that you were watching his movie instead.
Revelation #2: I Hereby Revoke My Matinee Recommendation of Strange Wilderness
Wow. I had low expectations for this movie, but thought perhaps I could find a hidden gem in the vein of Grandma’s Boy. What I found was something that barely resembled a movie. Did they lose a few pages of the script? Did they even have a script? The movie completely wastes Jonah Hill, who is flat-out awful in this movie. Not one thing he says is funny. There is no plot, simply a collection of scenes held together by fake nature movies. The main plot is wrapped up in the first hour, and we’re left with about 16 more minutes of nonsense before ending with a blooper. Literally. The movie ends with everyone breaking character and cracking up. I can admit when I was wrong. In the case of Strange Wilderness, I really had to suffer for that mistake.
Revelation #3: I Am Seriously Addicted To Dr. Mario
I’ve always loved Dr. Mario, but this is getting ridiculous. If you looked at my Wii Playing Time, it would resemble a time card. The outrageous hours I’ve played can be blamed on the inclusion of online play. You can battle people all over the world, and a rematch is as easy as clicking a button. It’s not unusual for me to play the same person over and over for a half hour straight. Somebody call for help. I haven’t seen the sun in three days. I dream about falling pills. The only people I’ve seen are Miis. My only interactions have been canned online responses such as “Good Game!” and “Ouch!” And after all these wasted hours, the only thing I’ve learned is that I’m not even that good.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: Semi-Pro actually was 1/10 as funny as those Old Spice Commercials
Yes, it is enjoyable to hear Will Ferrell yell “Cocksucker!” numerous times, but Semi-Pro comes off as two completely separate movies. One movie stars Will Ferrell as a one-hit wonder musician turned basketball owner. He acts wacky, yells at people, and throws around nonsequiters in an attempt to get a laugh. The other movie stars Woody Harrelson as an aging basketball player destined to turn around an ABA team. He even gets his own generic “sports movie love story” for the audience to follow, which plays exactly like Jake Taylor’s relationship from Major League, except in Semi-Pro, the boyfriend is a big fan of his girlfriend’s ex. The two movies really have nothing to do with each other. In fact, everyone in the movie seems to be playing it fairly straight, with the exception of Will Ferrell. I don’t recall Woody Harrelson delivering one joke. The problem is, I’ve seen both movies presented in Semi-Pro. They’re called “Every Movie Will Ferrell Has Ever Made” and “Every Underdog Sports Movie Ever Made.” I’m probably being too harsh on it. When I watched the movie, I laughed a few times, especially at the obligatory announcer Dick Pepperfield. But, as I said in my Sticky Floor preview way back, this movie really had the Blades of Glory vibe — mild, slightly entertaining, but ultimately missing an opportunity for greatness.
Revelation #2: Diary of the Dead is 1/10 as good as Night of the Living Dead
Not to say it’s terrible, but Diary of the Dead is a frustrating experience. Essentially, this is Romero hitting the reset button on his own genre. The dead start coming to life in our present day of technology/information overload, but people still don’t know how to deal with it. The opening sequence is truly Romero-worthy and most of the social questions he raises are interesting. But that’s awkwardly balanced by characters who are too self-referential and direct with their messages. It doesn’t take long before you feel like you’re being hit over the head with the Obvious Hammer. The main characters are a bunch of college students. But not just any kind of college students. They’re FILM students! So one of them starts documenting what’s happening. Naturally, everyone gets annoyed with him, which in turn made me annoyed with them for complaining straight to camera. Along the way, they meet up with some truly interesting characters, such as an Amish fella and a band of military men. The movie hits a stride when they’re encountering other people, but any time it slows down to have them talk directly to camera about the horrors of technology and humanity, it slams on the brakes. Comparing this to Night of the Living Dead, (which isn’t fair, but necessary given they cover the same topic), Diary simply fails to match the horror of both the zombies and social topics broached. A handful of memorable scenes make this worth checking out, but I’d rather see a continuation of his original Dead series than follow the timeline presented here.
Revelation #3: Pork And Beans has already been done. A couple times.
I like the song. I find the video entertaining. But I read an LA Times article touting this as the perfect storm of YouTube culture, calling it, “unexpectedly compelling, and even literary.” They call it literary, even after acknowledging Miss Teen South Carolina as one of the video’s stars. The video is jammed with YouTube stars. Is there really a message to be gleaned from the Numa Numa guy that we didn’t already learn on South Park?
By the way, everyone must have missed this video from the Barenaked Ladies, released last year, which features some of the same YouTube “stars”:
Not quite a new concept. And certainly not literary or revolutionary. But hey, it’s a good song.
Revelation #4: The Real Super Mario Bros. 2 is FRICKIN’ IMPOSSIBLE!
This is the game deemed too difficult for Americans, which is why it was never released here until it hit the Virtual Console on Wii (Although it was available on the SNES cartridge Super Mario All Stars as “The Lost Levels.”) Any good will and memories you may have of the original Super Mario Bros. is shattered by the time you reach World 2 in SMB 2. I actually set aside time this weekend to focus and do some real damage in this game, and the furthest I got was to the castle on level 2-4. Then Bowser killed me. This game is menacing, unforgiving, and a staunch reminder that video games today are much easier than they were back in the day. Er, back in Japan. I have no doubt if this were released here in ‘86, I would have spent countless hours learning all the warps and avoiding the fake Bowsers, but these days, I’ll be lucky to make it to World 3.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: Sharon Stone Films Banned In China.
Basic Instinct 2 will continue to get as many rentals as it did before the ban.
Revelation #2: They Made a Jurassic Park 3
Anyone else forget this movie existed? I caught it on TV this weekend and realized it was the first time I’d actually watched it all the way through. It’s essentially just a series of Raptor encounters capped with a Pteradon attack. Apparently, most of the big scenes were leftovers from the previous movies. Felt like it.
Revelation #3: Girls Can No Longer Make Fun Of Nerds
Judging by this weekend’s box office, women are just as ridiculous when it comes to Event Movies as men. Sex and The City actually beat out Indiana Jones because ladies, young and old, flooded the theater on Friday. The movie took in 26 million on that day alone, but there was a tremendous drop-off the next day because they ALL went to see it on opening night. I think it’s fair to say that girls have now lost their right to crack jokes about Star Wars nerds dressing up and waiting in line. No doubt there were thousands of cougars-in-training dressed up like homeless hookers, wielding cosmos like lightsabers.
Revelation #4: The Spelling Bee Is FANTASTIC!
Case in point:
“That’s a relief.” I seriously love the Bee for moments just like that one. And also for the patchy middle-school moustaches.
Revelation #5: Wired Lady Should Host Sticky Floor More Often
Friday’s episode had almost 3 times the view of my regular episodes. More proof that girls are nerdier than guys.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
This weekend was mostly dedicated to Indiana Jones, so let’s get crackin! Don’t worry, the whip jokes will end soon.
Revelation #1: Nazis Are So Annoying!
After watching both Raiders and Last Crusade this weekend, I was happy to see Indy do battle with the Russkies in IJATKOTKS (Easily the best/hardest-to-type/worst abbreviation for a movie ever). Especially in Last Crusade, the Nazis just didn’t pack the punch they had in the original. Sure, Harrison gets a Hancock from Hitler, but everything seems a bit more vague in the, er, “Last” installment. It was good to pump some new blood into the series, and I thoroughly enjoyed the ’50s setting of the new movie. It was exciting, as if Indy had been dropped in another time and place, and perhaps a different movie altogether. It’s also weird to think the Indiana Jones timeline is about 50 years behind ours. Everyone accepts bringing Indy to the ’50s because it explains his age, but by now, we also have to accept he’ll never catch up to us. He’d be about 115 years old if they did Indiana Jones And The Age Of The Internet Access unless, of course, he stumbled upon a time machine, which after this latest installment is definitely within the realm of possibility. Bottom line: Nazi. I hate those guys.
Revelation #2: I Think My Theater Switched the Last Reel of Indy with A.I.
I’ll have more to say on the entire Crystal Skull movie later, but for the majority of the movie, I was smiling like a big idiot. I will admit that the ending fell off the rails for me, and I started to wonder why I was watching A.I. I don’t have a problem with the alien storyline. It’s a logical plotline for the time period of the movie, and plausible if you’re willing to accept the first three movies. But I think if this weren’t the age of CGI, the ending would have been handled in a more clever manner. They didn’t have to show so much to get the point across. I was with the movie to the end, through the fridge-flying, through the vine-swinging (barely), and through the waterfalls, but as soon as that Crystal Skull was returned to its rightful neck, I knew I was gonna be shown too much. There’s talk of knowledge being a treasure, but I wish this one was at least partially buried. I think it would have been more effective.
Revelation #3: Harrison Ford is a MAN!
Is he seriously 65? Seriously? I don’t even look that good NOW and I’m 55% younger than him!
Revelation #4: No One Cheered When The Lucasfilm Logo Came Up This Time
For every Star Wars movie I’ve seen, the audience clapped when the Lucasfilm logo popped up. This time around — nothing. Was this a theater full of people who were “burned” by the prequels? His last movie was Revenge of the Sith, and that’s generally accepted as a worthy entry to the series, and sort of a redeemer for a lot of haters. Was this apprehension? I know it can’t be that everyone in the theater hates him, because they paid for their damn ticket.
Revelation #5: My Childhood Is Still Intact!
I did it! I still have a childhood! More than anything, Crystal Skull is meant to give you a glimpse into the things you used to enjoy. I actually admired how outrageous the set pieces were, especially after just watching the original movies, it was fun to see some completely unexpected moments mixed in to the classic Indy formula. Had we seen another movie where Indy fought Nazis and went back after the Ark, people would have claimed it was a retread. Crystal Skull is something completely strange and unfamiliar to the world of Indiana Jones, and I had a great time watching it. I’ll readily admit there are scenes too goofy even for me, but there was so much energy to the movie, by the time you were turning to the person next to you saying, “That was ridiculous!” Indy and co. were already on to something else. If you didn’t enjoy Crystal Skull for its pulpy goodness, it may be time to re-evaluate what you’re looking for in a movie.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: Cloverfuckinfield is perfectly suitable for the small screen.
For the most part, I really enjoyed Cloverfuckinfield. What’s not to love about a 75 minute movie? I’m happy to report that all the incidents of people getting sick from seeing this in the theaters doesn’t translate to home video. A TV doesn’t envelope your field of vision like a movie screen, making it easy to stay grounded during Hud’s truly awful cinematography. “People are going to want to see this,” he says at one point. That may be true, Hud, so how about holding the damn camera still so people can ACTUALLY SEE it?? Cloverfuckinfield does a few things right, namely by having tiny spider beasts, (which have yet to ever NOT be scary in a movie) and by creating a true sense of dread throughout. If the beast is some sort of allegory for 9/11, it seems kind of cheap to play off the audience’s fear of that. But taken as a monster movie, Cloverfuckinfield is A-okay in my book. And it’s not afraid to end when it should, instead of stretching out to the requisite 90 minutes!
Revelation #2: Southland Tales really is a terrible, incomprehensible movie.
Refer to my video below for the true horror I experienced with this movie. I was never a huge Donnie Darko fan, and I knew going in this was going to be a mess, but it’s pretty much unwatchable. It’s like one of those sci-fi ideas you would cook up as a ten-year-old, thinking you’re a genius for coming up with a story about twins who are actually the same person from different points in time! And if they touch, the universe explodes! Didn’t we cover that in Back To The Future? This movie is convoluted, meandering, and just plain silly. It’s supposed to cover heavy topics such as the apocalypse, terrorism, and restriction of freedom. Instead, it has you wondering things like, ‘Wow, haven’t seen Christoper Lambert in a long time,’ ‘How did he convince all these people to be in this movie?’ and ‘I kinda wish the real apocalypse would happen so this movie could end.’
Revelation #3: People were as ambivalent towards Prince Caspian as I was!
Sure, it made $55 million, but that’s about 15 million less than the first movie. Chances are this movie is going to disappear pretty quickly, especially going up against INDIANA FREAKIN’ JONES this week. In other news, Speed Racer only made about $8 million. This has to be one of the biggest bombs in recent history, right? That movie cost a ton!
Revelation #4: It’s Time For Rick Moranis To Make A Comeback.
Seriously, when was the last time you saw Rick Moranis? It probably wasn’t in 1997’s Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, because no one saw that, but that’s the last time his image was committed to celluloid. What happened? 11 years and no one wants to put this guy in a movie? He was a pretty big comedy presence in the ’80s, you would think he’d get a bit part here or there. Something must have happened. I may just make it my mission to get the answer. Who else wants to see a documentary of the Nerd With Words traipsing around Toronto in search of Dark Helmet?
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: I Didn’t Miss Anything By Waiting Four Years To See Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle
Finally giving in to something I consciously denied myself the past four years, I watched Harold and Kumar this weekend. It turned out to be pretty much exactly what I suspected: a mild, inoffensive, and generally pleasant movie. Not exactly what you want in a comedy. Sure, Neil Patrick Harris was funny, and the idea of finding the perfect stoner food (and thinking it’s White Castle) is funny, but the movie itself just kinda came and went with only a handful of chuckles. The main characters of Harold and Kumar are likable in the same way that I like eating toast for breakfast — I don’t mind it, but would ditch toast in a second for some waffles. The subplots involving the EXTREME crew, love interests, and cheetahs fell flat and took away from a good, simple premise. I do commend it for being a stoner movie without a lot of blatant stoner jokes, but don’t forgive an unfunny scene involving the game “Battleshit.”
Revelation #2: SNL Doesn’t Need Hosts
Unless your last name is Walken, expect only bit parts and guest spots in someone else’s sketch. Aside from the opening monologue, hosts rarely play a pivotal role in the episode. Although I did like Shia Lebeouf as a magician in “It’s A Match”.
Revelation #3: Kelly Taylor’s Coming Back To 90210!
Jennie Garth is going to star in the 90210 spinoff. How will she be used in the show? As a guidance counselor at West Beverly. I guess that whole fashion business thing didn’t quite pan out. By the way, don’t you need some sort of education degree to become a counselor? Perhaps Kelly just turned in a resume of her life experience. If that’s the case, you could do worse than a girl who was raped, stalked, pregnant, not pregnant, caught in a fire, lured into a cult, addicted to drugs, and, I think, shot.
Revelation #4: Speed Racer: No One Cares
Surprise, surprise. Speed Racer raked in about the same amount of money as What Happens In Vegas this weekend ($20 million). I gave this a Matinee Recommendation based purely on the insane visuals, but this movie really has no audience. It’s definitely being marketed towards kids (as I witnessed Friday while watching about 10 minutes of Cartoon Network and being bombarded by literally 7 Speed Racer toy commercials and trailers), but kids have no connection to Speed Racer. It’s being marketed to nerds because it’s based on some weak anime cartoon and directed by the Wachowski’s. But nerds are prone to listen to anything they read on the internet, therefore proclaiming movies as failures before they see a single frame (And no, this is NOT the premise of Sticky Floor Friday). This movie would never pull in the female demographic, so I guess that only leaves old people who would actually remember the cartoon, and thrill seekers looking to endure an epileptic seizure. I’m shocked this movie didn’t make money!
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky? This one’s Iron Man-heavy, so if you haven’t seen it…what’s your problem?? Go see it now!
Revelation #1: Iron Man Lived Up To The Hype
This is a rare thing. A movie that actually lived up to my own hype! Iron Man hit all the right notes — it was funny, it didn’t put the weight of the world on its shoulders, it had a great leading man, it had simple, satisfying action, and it had a Stan Lee cameo. I was deeply satisfied by the end of the movie, even after sitting through 30 minutes of credits to see 30 seconds of ol’ Ultimate Eyepatch. Were there things about the movie I didn’t like? Sure…
Revelation #2: Origin Stories Bore Me.
At this point, we’ve seen it all when it comes to origin stories. There’s a section of Iron Man that did have me checking my watch, and it was around the 15 minute mark. We know Tony Stark is going to build a giant robot. We know he’s going to escape. So let’s get on with it already! I feel like we spent a lot of time in a deep, dark cave, simply waiting for the inevitable action to start. Don’t get me wrong. I like my action to be nicely balanced with story, but I guess it goes back to my boredom with origin stories. I’m well aware of what’s going to happen — even my girlfriend was well aware, and she’s never even accidentally brushed up against a comic book in her life. This wasn’t detrimental to the movie, because the payoffs were so rewarding, but I’m going to suggest Marvel make one big movie called, Origin Stories, where they just cover their bases and tell every origin story of every Marvel character and get it over with.
Revelation #3: Some Actors Get Comic Book Movies, Some Don’t.
Is it me, or did Jeff Bridges look like he was having the time of his life in Iron Man? Seriously, the dude (Or should I say, The Dude) was chewing scenery everywhere he went, and I loved every minute of it. He totally understood the point of his character and just how big to make him in the movie. I mean, just look at his head! You have no choice but to have fun when you look like that! On the flipside, Terrence Howard looked like he was in the wrong movie the entire time. Supposedly a hard-ass military leader, Jim Rhodes comes off as soft and whiny, making it hard to believe anyone would listen to him in that war room. I also had a hard time telling if he was best friends with Stark, or if he truly hated him. He would run hot and cold between scenes, and even when he knew Stark was in danger of being shot down by the military, he didn’t seem all that interested.
Revelation #4: Mario Kart Wii Destined to Erase Hours of Productivity From Your Life
Mario Kart Wii is pretty much like all the other Mario Karts. You should feel embarrassed that you’re playing such a simple game, but it’s so addictive, you don’t care that 7 hours of your life have disappeared into the ether. The steering wheel is simultaneously an unnecessary peripheral and an experience-changing addition. The control is very intuitive. You lean the wheel left, you turn left. It’s tight enough that you don’t have to overcompensate when straightening out of a turn, so you don’t feel like you’re sliding all over the track. And there’s really no learning curve. It makes sense from the moment you pick it up. There really isn’t anything new to this edition aside from the Wii-style controls, but it honestly doesn’t matter. The core gameplay is so fun, you’ll forget that you already played this on the Gamecube just a few years ago.
