I’ll admit, I’m no Trekkie. I used to watch the The Next Generation, I like Wrath of Khan just like everyone else, and I really enjoyed First Contact. Beyond that, I don’t get too fired up about the endless iterations of TV shows and decreasingly entertaining films. So it’s no surprise that when I saw the new trailer for JJ Abrams’ Star Trek, I was underwhelmed. I’m sure the movie will be entertaining, and kick this franchise back into gear, but I have no emotional attachment to the images I was seeing. There’s a young Kirk. There’s a young Spock looking exactly like Leonard Nimoy. There’s Simon Pegg with some wacky hair. But it feels like a standard Sci Fi movie, not a cornerstone of the Sci Fi genre. And why does young Kirk drive a car into a canyon, then say his full name to a robot? That’s the first image that’s supposed to pull us in?
Revelation #2: Go Rent Kung Fu Panda!
Wow, what a surprise. I was expecting Kung Fu Panda to be entertaining, but I didn’t realize how kick ass this movie actually would be. It doesn’t pander to kids, tells a good story that unfolds in fun, unexpected ways, and has a real heart to it. On top of that, the voice acting is pretty solid, even though the the Furious Five are underused (who knew a combo of Seth Rogen, Jackie Chan, David Cross, Angelina Jolie, and Lucy Liu could be so unasumming?). That’s okay though. This is Jack Black’s movie all the way, and he manages to make Po both sympathetic and hilarious. If you’re a fan of JB, you’ll love the way he makes the character his own. And how he says Spladoosh.
Revelation #3: Leatherheads is Every Bit as Exciting as the Trailers Suggest. (Translation: It’s Not.)
A screwball movie about the beginning of professional football doesn’t even seem like a thrilling idea on paper. And maybe if this movie was made 50 years ago, it would be considered a classic of sorts, but it wasn’t. It was made this year. I understand what George Clooney was going for, making a period piece that feels like it came straight from the era, with verbal sparring between Renee Zellweger and bar fights where the piano player keeps on playing. Unfortunately, it’s just not engaging. The big climax is supposed to happen during the big final matchup between Clooney and Jim from “The Office.” Supposed to happen. What happens? The announcers declare the game is “boring.” BORING! You know there’s a problem when even the people inside the movie are sick of its shenanigans.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is a funny 20-minute idea stretched out to 2 hours.
As with all Adam Sandler movies, story is irrelevant so long as it produces laughs. But man, I can’t quite get over the incredible bungle of Zohan’s storyline, which featured Sandler as an elite soldier leaving Israel to cut hair in New York. I liked Zohan in the beginning. It was fun to see Sandler portray a ‘character’ instead of just playing a version of himself as he has in his last few movies (Reign Over Me being the exception). Zohan can catch a hacky sack in his butt cheeks, then battle terrorists by catching bullets with his teeth. He has a battle with his arch-nemesis, a terrorist played by John Turturro, where they play paddle ball with grenades. And that’s all in the first 15 minutes. It’s all really silly, but the locations and over-the-top nature feel fresh.
Then Zohan goes to New York, and we fall right into any cookie-cutter Sandler movie from the past 6 years. Look, there’s Rob Schneider! Look, it’s Nick Swarsdon! Hey, it’s an impossibly hot girl who has a contrived, requisite romance with Sandler! There are also a ton of jokes about Zohan’s crotch and how he uses it on old ladies. It’s funny at first, but the filmmakers take a sledge hammer to your funny bone, pounding the same spot over and over again until it’s too painful to bear. By the time the end rolls around and John Turturro and Adam Sandler are inconceivably joining forces to battle a mustachioed Dave Matthews (which also makes Zohan an aider and abettor of terrorists), any sane moviewatcher would tap out from the torture.
Revelation #2: Road to Perdition is Overlooked Awesomeness
I know Road To Perdition is sometimes dismissed as Oscar bait by some, but Sam Mendes’ follow up film to American Beauty is pretty bad ass. I love seeing Tom Hanks as a hit man and a conflicted Paul Newman as his father figure forced to put a hit out on someone he loves. It’s a robust cast (Oh, is that Bond himself, Daniel Craig??), and a solid gangster movie. Not to mention, any movie that can turn Jude Law into a balding, pale dude with a death fetish and no chance of getting ladies has my support.
Revelation #3: Circuit City Goes Bankrupt, Nerd Gets His Revenge!
Revelation #1: What A Surprise; South Park Hated Indiana Jones
You had to see this coming, right? Well, maybe not all that man-rape, but definitely the hatred of Indy IV. South Park took some pretty heavy shots at Lucas and Spielberg in last week’s episode of South Park, having Lucas and Spielberg literally raping Indiana Jones (and a stormtrooper for good measure). Unfortunately, they didn’t give much in the way of specifics as to why they felt that way. There was a brief mention that Indy should not be chasing aliens and the fridge-nuking, but I was hoping for something we haven’t heard before. By the way, Indy comes out tomorrow on DVD, and I stand by my enjoyment of the movie. It’s no Raiders, but it’s also certainly not the abomination South Park made it out to be.
Revelation #2: Stop Playing Horror Movies, TNT!
Look, I appreciate that TNT is getting into the October Horror swing of things by showing Final Destination 1, 2, 3, Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and so forth, but you realize it’s like eating soy jerky. It looks similar to your favorite snack, but it’s missing all the delicious parts. All this is doing is making me fill up my Netflix queue with the R-rated versions of the movies, except for I Know What You Did, the first of many Scream knock-offs that flooded and watered down the genre to the point of drowning.
Revelation #3: Caddyshack is the perfect Saturday afternoon movie.
With Tiger Woods nowhere in sight on the golf tour, the only way to enjoy the world’s most boring sport is with a dash of Dangerfield. Caddyshack is a movie MADE for Saturday afternoons, just like National Lampoon’s Vacation.
Revelation #1: Super High Me Proves Smoking Weed Is Much More Entertaining Than Watching Someone Smoke Weed. Er, so I’ve heard.
For those who don’t know, Super High Me is a direct-to-DVD documentary about comedian Doug Benson’s quest to smoke weed for 30 days and chronicle the results. Yes, it’s a rip-off of Super Size Me, and originated from a joke Benson tells on stage. It’s a funny idea that results in a mildly entertaining doc with a little insight into California’s battle of state and federal governments over medicinal marijuana. But even at 90 minutes, it’s a lot of fluff. The first half of the movie follows Doug while he doesn’t smoke weed for 30 days, followed by him smoking weed all day every day for 30 days. And the problem is that the two segments aren’t very different from each other. He doesn’t do much in the first half, and definitely doesn’t do anything during the second half. He takes a series of tests, which prove next to nothing about the effects of marijuana, and we never get the sense that he’s fatigued by the process. In fact, he loves it, and that’s much less interesting than a guy destroying his body with McDonald’s.
Revelation #2: John Krasinski Loves Magic!
I was lucky enough to go to the Magic Castle in Hollywood this weekend with the Wired Lady and her parents. The Magic Castle is always a good time. It’s really the only place you can wander around a big mansion, and it’s normal for someone to come up to you and say, “Would you like to see a magic trick?” It’s also the only place where it’s okay for you to respond, “Sure!” without someone taking off their pants.
At the Magic Castle there are various rooms where magicians perform. We waited 45 minutes to enter the “Close-up Gallery,” where sleight-of-hand magicians perform tricks 2 feet from your face. This is pretty awesome, but waiting 45 minutes was not, and when they finally let us in, there were already a few people in the seats. They didn’t have to wait 45 minutes. My first thought was, “Bastards!” but then I looked again and had a second thought. “Oh. That’s John Krasinski. Bastard!” So we took our seats in the front row, sandwiched between Jim from The Office, and a guy who made a giant Coke bottle appear out of thin air. Pretty surreal. Even more surreal was the fact that sitting next to John Krasinski was Stephen Merchant, of The (British) Office and Exec Producer on The (American) Office. Although you may know him as the guy who lost his swan in Hot Fuzz. After the show, someone leaned over to John Krasinski and said, “That magician was cool, but the coolest part of the night was seeing you, man!” And yeah, it’s cool to see John Krasinski, but can he produce a dove from a silver streamer? Illusions!
Revelation #3: I Think It’s Time For My Annual Viewing of Ravenous
Do you remember this movie, Ravenous? Guy Pearce, Robert Carlyle, and cannibalism? It’s not very good, but every year my friend Nick and I find ourselves compelled to watch it again, and I don’t know why. It’s one of those movies that seems good in your head, but as you watch it, you become more and more depressed. I imagine it’s like being a cannibal. You know it’s bad for you, you know people would ridicule you for doing it, but you just can’t help yourself. And just like the human flesh in the movie, watching Ravenous can give you super powers. It can magically waste an hour and a half of your life.
Revelation #4: The Ending Of Casino Kinda Fizzles, But De Niro’s Oversized Glasses Save The Day.
Don’t get me wrong, I think Scorsese’s Casino is a great movie. but after 3 hours, you’re kinda hoping for a more satisfying conclusion. Sure it’s brutal to watch Pesci get buried alive, and to see Sharon Stone collapse in a coked-out heap in a hotel hallway (Oops, 13-year-old Spoiler Alert!!), but it feels like there should be more. Until we get to De Niro…
And those 9 seconds make the last 177 minutes worthwhile.
Revelation #1: I Don’t Care What You Say…Death Proof is AWESOME!
Death Proof catches a lot of flack for being saddled with the failed Grindhouse experiment last year, and ultimately gets overlooked as a Tarantino indulgence. And guess what? It totally is, but it shouldn’t be dismissed because of that. This is the most self-referential movie he’s ever made, peppered with dialogue and shots stolen straight from his earlier movies. It’s unhinged — there are 7 minute shots circling tables, there are subplots that crop up then get forgotten in the blink of an eye (or the severing of a leg, in this case), there’s an actual jukebox in the movie that changes songs at Tarantino’s whim so he can cram as many cool songs he wants with reckless abandon (according to IMDB, there are 50 songs heard on the jukebox) — and I love every minute of it. I can’t fully explain the allure of this movie, but every couple weeks, a thought will pop into my head at random times. “Man, I could really go for some Death Proof right now.” Maybe it’s the presence of Kurt Russell, who essentially takes this movie and makes it his bitch. Maybe it’s the unbelievable car chase during the back half of the movie, one of the best put on film. Or maybe it’s just because it’s fun as hell. This is Quentin Tarantino given free reign to simply shoot a collection of scenes using his best techniques, and tying it all together with a crazy stuntman who enjoys killing sexy ladies. How could that be wrong?
Revelation #2: I want to talk more about Death Proof
But I won’t.
Revelation #3: Not sure if I mentioned this last week, but…THERE WAS A BABY AT DEATH RACE!
When I went to see Death Race last week, there was a woman who brought her baby into the theater. To a movie called Death Race. And not only that, she brought the ENTIRE stroller with her. Just wheeled the infant up into Death Race and parked it in the main aisle. Seriously? A baby in Death Race? Actually, hold on a second. You know how they say playing Mozart for babies maybe, possibly helps their development? Do you think screening giant images of Statham has the same effect? Is Jason Statham today’s Mozart? That’s the first time that question has ever appeared on the internet, and I’m damn proud I could do my part to contribute.
Revelation #4: The Over/Under on De Niro/Pacino yell-acting scenes in Righteous Kill is 400.
Everyone knows Al Pacino loves to yell-act. For instance, my favorite Pacino yell-acting scene is from Heat, and it’s right here.
I do a fantastic impression of that line. Ask me to do it sometime.
Chances are when you combine these two heavyweights, they’ll want to show off a little bit. And the best way to show off (and to earn Oscar nominations) is to yell. A lot. I’m sure Pacino will yell more, as De Niro’s style is usually more subdued, but I know he’s got some anger inside, ready to be let out.
By the way, is Righteous Kill the best movie we can come up for these two legends to be in? Righteous Kill? That is simply an awful title, and the idea itself seems pretty overcooked. They’re buddy cops investigating murders and one of them is probably committing them. Or something. I guess it could be worse. It could have been a comedy. An intentional comedy.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: We’re In The Midst of Something Special
Surprise, surprise, another item about Batman. With The Dark Knight sailing past $300 million over the weekend faster than any movie in history, we are witnessing something very special at the box office. A perfect storm of great reviews, repeat customers, and most importantly, a truly great movie is turning this into a summer to remember. Think about this. Dark Knight just hopped over Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’s total, and Indy’s been kicking around for 67 days. It took Batman around 10. Will it beat Titanic, the top grossing movie ever? Not likely, but it could easily tickle the 2nd place Star Wars total of $460 million. Who knows, the way things are going, it could hit $400 million by next weekend. As a fan of movies, I savor these moments, where we get to see a film phenomenon penetrate pop culture, to the point where the Sunday showing I was at this weekend was sold out and specked with more than a few blue hairs. Freakin’ grandmas are going to see The Dark Knight! Probably makes you feel really bad if you haven’t seen it yet. And even worse when I tell you this was my third time seeing it. Well, it may just make you feel bad for me. I assure you I have a life, but it mostly revolves around movies.
Look, this is a very cool thing happening, and it’s made infinitely cooler by the fact that this is not a happy, feel-good summertime movie. This is a dark, gritty, dare I say thought provoking film that has no business racking up repeat and three-peat viewers. An interesting debate is how much Heath Ledger’s death has to do with the success. In my opinion, it boosted the opening weekend, but now people are going for the performance, and the insane word of mouth. There’s no way Heath Ledger’s death will be responsible for the long legs this movie has. It’s his performance. I’m having a great time watching the numbers rise on The Dark Knight. Enjoy the ride!
Revelation #2: Bank Job is a Fine Way to Spend a Couple Hours
I’m realizing this site could very easily turn into A) A Dark Knight fansite or B) A Jason Statham Tribute Page. Even though he only throws about 6 punches (and a brick) in The Bank Job, Statham holds down a solid movie by playing a grinder just looking to get ahead. He ends up being fairly crafty, and makes The Bank Job much more fun than its generic title. I also noticed something else. Statham grew his hair out just a bit for this movie, giving men with bald spots hope that they too can one day be cool.
Revelation #3: X-Files. Told Ya No One Cared
$10 million dollars this weekend. Damn. X-Files got spanked in the theaters, to no one’s surprise. I don’t want to say I told you so, because it was a pretty easy guess. Part of me feels bad. I like David Duchovny, and the X-Files was GIGANTIC back in the day. My dad even owns collector Mulder and Scully Barbie and Ken giftset (sounds gay, but look at how much it’s going for on Amazon) along with, like, 20 VHS tapes of various seasons we got him for Christmas. Thank god for DVDs. And that right there, what’s on my dad bookshelf, is more interesting than the new X-Files movie.
Revelation #4: Choosing Entrance Music is a Difficult Decision
So my brother is getting married this weekend, and he asked me to pick some entrance music for when I’m announced at the reception. He only gave me about two weeks to think about this. Personally, I think he should have given me at least eight months. Six to go through every song in the world, and two months to ponder whether I made the right decision. Choosing your own entrance music is both a blessing and a curse. You have one shot to embody yourself in a song, to give everyone an idea of who you are within about 30 seconds. What song do you pick? Do you go funny? Poignant? Ironic? Serious? For instance, I love Lionel Richie (ironically AND seriously), but he would make for terrible entrance music. I love Nine Inch Nails, but my grandma who once told me my short film from college contained “subjects that should be saved for the bedroom,” would probably disown me. (And by the way, I didn’t make a porno, but the short did have sex/nudity. In the doggy-style position. What’s so wrong with that, Grandma??)
This is important. If you choose poorly, people will be disappointed and forget about you. If you go too serious, you run the risk of overpowering the bride and groom when they have their first dance to “Unforgettable.” Blah. Who wants to be serious anyway? Now, you may think I’d do something like the Star Wars Disco, but alas, my older brother already snatched it up. Yes, my Nerd genes run deep in the family. In the end, I decided on California Love by 2Pac, because it gets people fired up, and it matches my personality. I’m the “California brother,” and even though it’s rap, it much easier for my grandma to take than some doggy-style swingin’ boobs.
So the big question is, what’s your perfect entrance music? Have you thought about this before? You should have. Let me know!
Forget Weekend Revelations! Today it’s all about The Dark Knight! If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s probably best you don’t read this post yet. While the site is generally spoiler-free, the movie is already out in theaters, so you’re on your own, pal!
Revelation #1: The Dark Knight Itself is a Revelation
Nothing I say can really add much to all the positive reviews out there for this movie. Simply put, it is great. It’s probably much better than any comic movie ever should be, and the record-breaking box office numbers are proof that even people who don’t like comic book movies are getting out there to see this movie. Perhaps some are seeing it out of morbid curiosity, but that curiosity vanishes once you’re sucked into the story. I get the Heat references (it opens with a bank robbery! The good guy and bad guy sit down for a chat!), I get The Godfather references (intercut tragedies!). There’s a realism to Dark Knight that doesn’t exist in comic book movies. Take away the guy in the bat costume and you’ve got a movie about a crazy criminal. But there’s one big difference between this movie and the previous classics mentioned: In The Dark Knight, the characters we’re following are the good guys. The Corleone family is essentially out for themselves. They steal and murder, and their deaths and tragedies are expected/deserved. Sure you have an emotional attachment to them, but in the end, they choose to live a life that isn’t known for its retirement plan. In The Dark Knight, we’re watching good people forced into gut-wrenching moral decisions, making it all the more tragic when they fall.
There are themes in this movie not previously touched on in comic book movies, and now that these ideas are out there, it makes comic films that came before it seem trite. Oh, poor Spider-Man can’t get the girl because he’s a superhero? Awwwww. Superman is sad that the girl he loves is getting married? Tough shit. Batman’s girlfriend is surrounded by 30 oil drums, and he was just given the wrong address! His moral code is costing the lives of innocent people, but in order to break his code he’d have to take the life of another human being, forever corrupting his values.
This movie is a wicked kick in the face to comic book movies. You can be cartoony, punny, loud, and dumb, or you can aspire to something more. Much, much more!
Revelation #2: The Joker Could Be The Best Villain Ever
This really shouldn’t be a revelation. The Joker is already one of the best comic book villains created. But played here, with no backstory, with no motivations other than anarchy, he finally becomes something truly fearful and realistic. Nicholson’s Joker seems downright silly now. In fact, every single Batman villain that came before Ledger’s Joker is a joke. Also, compare Eckhardt’s Two-Face with Tommy Lee Jones, and you’ll get a clear idea of how this movie is striving for something so much more. Back to the Joker. Not only is the performance memorable and chameleon-like (just try seeing Heath Ledger past the paint and greasy hair), but it raises the stakes of the movie to incredible heights. This is someone Batman can’t comprehend, therefore he doesn’t know how to battle him. As smart as Bruce Wayne is, he follows a clear line: Criminals aren’t complicated. The Joker throws that principle out the window, not giving Batman leverage on anything.
Any time the Joker is on the screen, the movie lights up. Every scene with him is memorable. Watch him exit the hospital and be disappointed/confused that his explosion didn’t go off the way he wanted. Watch when he asks the cop if he wants to know which of his friends were cowards. Watch the disappearing pencil trick. Watch the eerie final conversation, where Nolan skillfully flips the camera on a hanging Joker, making him seem weightless, floating out in space. There’s something haunting about it.
Revelation #3: No, This Movie Isn’t Perfect!
For all the praise, it’s easy to gloss over some of the movie’s confusing moments. For instance, why did Gordon fake his own death? Was he preparing for this for a while? How did he know for sure there would be an attempt on the Mayor’s life, and how did he know he’d be the one to save him? Why would he put his family through such a tragedy? Was it a plan to capture the Joker? If so, why would Jim Gordon be the only guy who could exit a truck and rest a shotgun on the Joker’s neck? If there was a little setup before this happened, it may have made more sense, but it almost comes off like a cheap pop. Then, you’re so excited that he’s back, you forget to ask why he left in the first place. Yeah! Gordon’s not dead! Wait, why did he f–, ooh, the Joker’s in jail. Let’s watch!
Second, Harvey Dent sure turned quickly. One moment he’s the symbol of unflappable justice, the next moment, he’s given a speech and a gun by the Joker and he’s off threatening children. Seems like a big leap. I understand his sadness for Rachel and his face, but refusing treatment and skin grafts? Come on buddy. That’s unsightly! It’s necessary for Dent to fall, but I feel like it could have been more of a slow burn.
Third, the action is still confusing. Batman Begins suffered from the same problem. Any time Batman is cleaning up a bunch of thugs, it’s all close ups, darkness, and flying limbs. You don’t get a clear sense of what’s happening, and if that’s the point, they succeeded. It doesn’t mean I have to like it. Also, the climactic ending could have done without the Daredevil-like sonar system. It would have been just as effective if Morgan Freeman was like, “There’s some guys to your left.”
Revelation #4: This movie is not that violent. But it’s extremely suggestive.
A lot of people are saying this movie should have been rated R. It shouldn’t have. When you go back and watch it, you’ll realize there’s very little violence aside from Batman punching people. The pencil trick, the “Why So Serious” knife speech, all these things happen off screen. And maybe this is a product of the confusing action I just referred to, but it doesn’t take away from the deadliness of the Joker. Okay, I’ll admit that Two-Face is pretty disgusting, and Eric Roberts falling on his legs hurts, and there are a few exploding bodies, and Batman’s punches on the Joker are pretty brutal, and, er…
Revelation #5: This Movie is Violent.
I change my mind.
Having seen Dark Knight twice already, I would be a fool not to proclaim it my favorite comic book movie of all time, upending Spider-Man 2 and X-Men 2. It has truly set a gold standard for what you can accomplish in a summer film while still entertaining and providing applause-worthy moments. This is it, folks. The best movie of the summer, possibly of the year. I only have one more question…
Revelation #1: Hellboy II Proves Why Comic Book Sequels Are Always Better Than The Original
As part of my ongoing nerd duty, I saw Hellboy II this weekend. As expected, it was an innovative joy ride and the reason I love comic book sequels. If you read the site on a regular basis, you know I’m not the biggest fan of origin stories. I find them a necessary evil. They need to exist to introduce the audience to a comic book backstory, but they’re very cookie cutter and don’t often leave enough room for interesting villains, or much else for that matter. Hellboy II wastes very little time with back story. We get a 10 minute intro setting up the rest of the movie, and then we’re off. Del Toro has too much new stuff to show us, so he doesn’t bother with the history lessons. Another thing that’s so successful about this sequel is that we’re not wallowing in the pitfalls of superhero-dom. No one’s crying about great power and great responsibility. No one wishes they were just normal. These are heroes who embrace their gifts, and their emotions depend on character interaction. Take, for instance, the moment when Hellboy goes public. If this were Spider-Man, the entire movie would hinge on this story — most likely Aunt May and Mary Jane would be in danger because Spider-Man’s identity was revealed. Here, Hellboy embraces his stardom, and when it doesn’t quite work out, it’s simply added motivation for his character. Sure he’s pissed that people don’t love him, but does he wallow in it? No! He gets drunk and sings love songs. The story here is too big to get trapped in those comic book conventions, and it’s much more interesting to see Hellboy and his girlfriend work through their problems than seeing Hellboy wishing he was just like everyone else.
Revelation #2: Tooth Fairies Are Frightening!
There are a ton of new, visually stunning characters in the new Hellboy (if you haven’t heard yet, the Troll Market scene is like the Mos Eisley Cantina on steroids), but one new character is particularly nasty. It’s the Tooth Fairy. The Tooth Fairies show up early in the movie, but long after it ended, I was still thinking about them. Let’s just say they have a taste for teeth, and their chewing sounds like tiny little circular saws. They’re a nasty twist on the whole, “Tiny Attacking Bugs” scene that populates so many movies, and just one of, like, a thousand crazy beasts in the Hellboy universe.
Revelation #3: Aliens Vs. Predator Requiem Is An Effective Movie — If the Effect Was To Officially Destroy Two Franchises At Once
I finally got around to watching AVPR, which has been sitting on my coffee table since 5/22. (I think Netflix displays their shipping dates just to shame you when you realize how long you’ve had a movie and haven’t actually watched it.) I was dreading the experience, even though the red band trailer looked promising, practically screaming, “We’ve atoned for the PG-13 sins of AVP! We swear!!” I had reason to be wary. AVP was a mess, taking two successful R-rated franchises, jamming them in the studio meat grinder, and squeezing out a convoluted, PG-13 turd. Somehow that movie made enough money to warrant a sequel, but it created enough fanboy frustration that the studio allowed the next movie to be rated R. So, they added a whole bunch of disposable characters, upped the gore quotient, had a pregnant woman give birth to a littler of aliens, and called it a day.
The movie is awful, spending a half hour developing characters we know are only there to serve as victims. Why do I care if the pizza delivery guy makes out with his lifelong crush when I’m positive she’s gonna get mounted on a wall by a Predator boomerang? The Predator/Alien fights seem like an afterthought. And not only that, you can’t see anything. The whole movie is drenched in so much darkness, it felt like I was wearing a veil. Everything is DARK. It’s not ATMOSPHERIC. It’s just fucking dark. You can’t see anything. What’s the point of making it R if you can’t see it? All those really cool deaths in the red band trailer are reduced to a murky blur. You’re constantly squinting to figure out whether that’s an alien, or a predator, or a predalien (Yes, there’s a predalien. No, it doesn’t do a goddamn thing). Neither Aliens or Predators had to be in this movie. It could have been any other threat to the humans, because that’s what the directors seemed interested in. It could have been an outbreak of a really bad whooping cough and the movie would have been the same. It reduced these two huge franchises to a subplot in a small town. It really was a depressing movie experience.
Revelation #4: Logical Sequel Naming Is Alien To This Franchise
By the way, how confusing is it to have a sequel to a spin-off of two different franchises? Not only that, but the titles don’t even match up. The first spin-off mash-up bull-shit was called Alien Versus Predator. Simple, straightforward. It’s fine. So the sequel should logically be called Alien Versus Predator 2, right? Wrong. It’s called Aliens Versus Predator - Requiem. Aliens? Why AlienS? Plural?? There was more than one Alien in the first movie, why is that one just Alien? And there was more than one Predator in the first one, so why isn’t that plural? If they’re really going to stick to this whole plural business, shouldn’t the first movie be called Aliens Vs. Predators? Who made the decision to add the S? Was it a decision at all, or did everyone just forget? Of course, this isn’t the first time the Alien franchise has fucked with its sequel names. Let’s take a look, shall we?
The first movie was called Alien. That made sense because there was only one alien. Off to a good start. The sequel was titled Aliens. This also made sense because there were a shit ton of aliens. But then, Alien 3 came along. And for whatever reason, the graphic looked like the movie was actually titled Alien To The Third Power. And that didn’t make any sense, because there was only one alien in the movie. And finally, there was Alien: Resurrection, which added a subtitle, but lost an S even though there are a bunch of aliens. Was the Aliens part of Aliens Versus Predator - Requiem a nod to the first sequel? If so, was the Requiem subtitle a nod to the third sequel? I get the feeling everything in AVPR was less of a nod and more of an epileptic spasm.
Revelation #5: OMG! The Dark Knight is the Godfather II of Comic Book Movies!!
Hey, have you heard? The Dark Knight is The Godfather II of Comic Book Movies?? That’s right. Only about 12 people have seen the movie so far, but it’s already being called The Godfather II of comic book movies. In fact, every time I hear The Dark Knight mentioned, I have to hear that it’s also the Godfather II of comic book movies. It hasn’t even come out yet! That doesn’t stop people from tossing out hyperbole though. And why is anyone surprised? There are 200 comic book movies a year, eventually one of them had to transcend the genre and just be considered “great” without adding “for a comic book movie” as qualifier. By the way, can you build up expectations any more than calling something The Godfather II of its field?? “Oh, you have a bad back? You should see Dr. Smith. He’s like the Godfather II of chiropractors.” “I’m totally drafting Peyton Manning on my fantasy team this season. He’s the Godfather II of the Manning Brothers.” “You should definitely go to the Bunny Ranch. It’s the Godfather II of brothels.” Of course, the implication of Godfather II means that while it’s great, it’s also got a dark side. So it’s more like, ‘You should definitely go to the Bunny Ranch, easily the Godfather II of brothels. It’s the best lay of your life, but you’ll probably walk out with a disease.”
