Today on the Virtual Console for Wii, Mega Man 9 was released. And one look at this game will bring you back to the classic days of gaming. It was recreated in the old NES 8-bit style, complete with frame flashes and slow down. Check out the review below by IGN to be blasted back to childhood!
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: The Incredible Hulk Was Incrediblah.
I loved the first hour of The Incredible Hulk. Ed Norton trying to control his rage, escaping danger on the rooftops of Brazil, seeking out a cure to his Jekyll and Hyde ailment. But once The Abomination started to take over the movie, my eyes glazed and my ears bled. Wall-to-wall CG action wrestles the movie away from Norton and turns it into a cartoon. There are times when Hulk looks believable. Usually in shadows. I know in this day and age there’s no other way to make The Hulk. People would be disappointed with a Hulk the size of Lou Ferrigno, but there’s gotta be a more effective way to present this creature. The most interesting part about The Hulk is Bruce Banner. Once he transforms, it’s just a lot of yelling and ruining of city property. The real problem came when Tony Stark showed up. Robert Downey Jr. just lights up the screen, and something’s wrong when a character from another movie shows up, and makes you wish that you were watching his movie instead.
Revelation #2: I Hereby Revoke My Matinee Recommendation of Strange Wilderness
Wow. I had low expectations for this movie, but thought perhaps I could find a hidden gem in the vein of Grandma’s Boy. What I found was something that barely resembled a movie. Did they lose a few pages of the script? Did they even have a script? The movie completely wastes Jonah Hill, who is flat-out awful in this movie. Not one thing he says is funny. There is no plot, simply a collection of scenes held together by fake nature movies. The main plot is wrapped up in the first hour, and we’re left with about 16 more minutes of nonsense before ending with a blooper. Literally. The movie ends with everyone breaking character and cracking up. I can admit when I was wrong. In the case of Strange Wilderness, I really had to suffer for that mistake.
Revelation #3: I Am Seriously Addicted To Dr. Mario
I’ve always loved Dr. Mario, but this is getting ridiculous. If you looked at my Wii Playing Time, it would resemble a time card. The outrageous hours I’ve played can be blamed on the inclusion of online play. You can battle people all over the world, and a rematch is as easy as clicking a button. It’s not unusual for me to play the same person over and over for a half hour straight. Somebody call for help. I haven’t seen the sun in three days. I dream about falling pills. The only people I’ve seen are Miis. My only interactions have been canned online responses such as “Good Game!” and “Ouch!” And after all these wasted hours, the only thing I’ve learned is that I’m not even that good.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: Semi-Pro actually was 1/10 as funny as those Old Spice Commercials
Yes, it is enjoyable to hear Will Ferrell yell “Cocksucker!” numerous times, but Semi-Pro comes off as two completely separate movies. One movie stars Will Ferrell as a one-hit wonder musician turned basketball owner. He acts wacky, yells at people, and throws around nonsequiters in an attempt to get a laugh. The other movie stars Woody Harrelson as an aging basketball player destined to turn around an ABA team. He even gets his own generic “sports movie love story” for the audience to follow, which plays exactly like Jake Taylor’s relationship from Major League, except in Semi-Pro, the boyfriend is a big fan of his girlfriend’s ex. The two movies really have nothing to do with each other. In fact, everyone in the movie seems to be playing it fairly straight, with the exception of Will Ferrell. I don’t recall Woody Harrelson delivering one joke. The problem is, I’ve seen both movies presented in Semi-Pro. They’re called “Every Movie Will Ferrell Has Ever Made” and “Every Underdog Sports Movie Ever Made.” I’m probably being too harsh on it. When I watched the movie, I laughed a few times, especially at the obligatory announcer Dick Pepperfield. But, as I said in my Sticky Floor preview way back, this movie really had the Blades of Glory vibe — mild, slightly entertaining, but ultimately missing an opportunity for greatness.
Revelation #2: Diary of the Dead is 1/10 as good as Night of the Living Dead
Not to say it’s terrible, but Diary of the Dead is a frustrating experience. Essentially, this is Romero hitting the reset button on his own genre. The dead start coming to life in our present day of technology/information overload, but people still don’t know how to deal with it. The opening sequence is truly Romero-worthy and most of the social questions he raises are interesting. But that’s awkwardly balanced by characters who are too self-referential and direct with their messages. It doesn’t take long before you feel like you’re being hit over the head with the Obvious Hammer. The main characters are a bunch of college students. But not just any kind of college students. They’re FILM students! So one of them starts documenting what’s happening. Naturally, everyone gets annoyed with him, which in turn made me annoyed with them for complaining straight to camera. Along the way, they meet up with some truly interesting characters, such as an Amish fella and a band of military men. The movie hits a stride when they’re encountering other people, but any time it slows down to have them talk directly to camera about the horrors of technology and humanity, it slams on the brakes. Comparing this to Night of the Living Dead, (which isn’t fair, but necessary given they cover the same topic), Diary simply fails to match the horror of both the zombies and social topics broached. A handful of memorable scenes make this worth checking out, but I’d rather see a continuation of his original Dead series than follow the timeline presented here.
Revelation #3: Pork And Beans has already been done. A couple times.
I like the song. I find the video entertaining. But I read an LA Times article touting this as the perfect storm of YouTube culture, calling it, “unexpectedly compelling, and even literary.” They call it literary, even after acknowledging Miss Teen South Carolina as one of the video’s stars. The video is jammed with YouTube stars. Is there really a message to be gleaned from the Numa Numa guy that we didn’t already learn on South Park?
By the way, everyone must have missed this video from the Barenaked Ladies, released last year, which features some of the same YouTube “stars”:
Not quite a new concept. And certainly not literary or revolutionary. But hey, it’s a good song.
Revelation #4: The Real Super Mario Bros. 2 is FRICKIN’ IMPOSSIBLE!
This is the game deemed too difficult for Americans, which is why it was never released here until it hit the Virtual Console on Wii (Although it was available on the SNES cartridge Super Mario All Stars as “The Lost Levels.”) Any good will and memories you may have of the original Super Mario Bros. is shattered by the time you reach World 2 in SMB 2. I actually set aside time this weekend to focus and do some real damage in this game, and the furthest I got was to the castle on level 2-4. Then Bowser killed me. This game is menacing, unforgiving, and a staunch reminder that video games today are much easier than they were back in the day. Er, back in Japan. I have no doubt if this were released here in ‘86, I would have spent countless hours learning all the warps and avoiding the fake Bowsers, but these days, I’ll be lucky to make it to World 3.
My low energy Sticky Floor Friday preview of Rambo.
Stallone’s resurrection of everyone’s favorite bandanna’d hero is a strange, bloody two-sided coin. On one side, you have Stallone addressing the serious issue of genocide and needless violence in Burma. On the other side, you have Rambo solving the problem of needless violence with more violence. Luckily, the movie makes you hate the enemy so much that when Rambo is finally called into action, and body parts are literally EXPLODING from sniper fire, you can’t help but feel satisfied. Rambo delivers everything it promises, and actually provides an interesting group of characters to back him up in action. It reminded me of the old days, when movies like Predator would give you a badass squad of mercenaries looking to do some damage. If you don’t think violence solves everything, it’s time to see why you’re wrong. RAMBO!
THE VERDICT: OWN IT!
Games
Dr. Mario Online Rx
Listen to that classic music.
I love Dr. Mario. It’s one of the most addicting video games I’ve ever played. And now, WiiWare has just released it for download! This version has a couple different gameplay modes, including online two-player action, and a crazy four-player edition. For only ten bucks, this is easily the best deal of the week!
What? You can’t wait two days to see the original treasure hunter return to theaters?? Good god, man, how much treasure seeking do you demand in one week? You shouldn’t have to settle for a pale imitation! I know some people dig the National Treasure movies for their fluffiness. Just remember how things get fluffy. By being whipped. By Indiana Jones.
THE VERDICT: HOLD OFF A FEW DAYS FOR THE REAL DEAL!
Strange Wilderness
For anyone who thinks I’ve been too stingy on Sticky Floor Friday, you can always reference my Strange Wilderness matinée recommendation as proof of slack standards. I seem to recall the box office being especially slow that weekend, and I may or may not have been under the influence of four too many Fun Dip packets. Regardless, this movie was made for a video audience, and will probably play on each of the 10 HBO channels for about three months straight.
THE VERDICT: RENT IF STONED, WAIT FOR HBO IF TOO STONED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
Games
Wii Fit
Hey Fatty! Jump on this board! Oh my god, you’re fat! Play this game non-stop to lose weight! How old are you? Oh. Ten? Oops. Well the Wii Fit is finally here, and aside from spawning too many video game jokes in my head to catalog, it’s taking the right step towards forcing lazy kids to move around the living room a little bit. The problem comes in when ten-year-olds complain that the game called them fat. It’s only a matter of time before someone sues Nintendo because the game didn’t make them skinny.
This is Francis Ford Coppola’s first movie since 1997’s The Rainmaker, so it’s on the list for that reason. The movie is about an old man who gets struck by lightning and starts to age backwards. It didn’t get great reviews or pull in an audience. It’s pretty much an arthouse film, but I’m curious to see Coppola back in action.
THE VERDICT: NOT THE GODFATHER, BUT NOT QUITE JACK
Indiana Jones – The Adventure Collection!
Okay, if you haven’t gotten the trilogy on DVD yet, the obvious cash-in re-issue is coming out today. Apparently it’s got some new documentaries and commentary with Lucas and Spielberg, but this set is only for those who don’t already own it…or for those who love adventure, apparently.
THE VERDICT: CASH-IN ATTEMPT!
Welcome to the NHK Vol 4: 4th Conspiracy
I have no clue what this is, but I found the box art hilarious. How do you play to sad, lonely nerds? Anime Underpants!
VERDICT: YOU’RE A WEIRDO!
Games
Boom Blox
Okay, this came out last week, but I didn’t mention it because I wasn’t sure of its nerdworthiness. Boom Blox is the first video game from Steven Spielberg and it’s definitely not what you would ever expect. The essential idea involves blowing up environments with a bunch of blocks. No sharks or aliens or whip-crackers. Just a bunch of exploding blocks. It’s getting good reviews and is best played with friends, so if you’re in Blockbuster, this might be worth checking out.
VERDICT: RENT IT!
Nerd Gadgets
R2D2 Ice Bucket
I saw this on Gizmodo and couldn’t resist. It’s an R2 ice bucket with Carbonite Han ice cubes. They already beat me to the obvious joke, so I’ll just use their quote to describe this awesome lady-repellent.
What ladies will be able to resist the combo of your charm, your extensive knowledge of Dr. Who episodes and a vodka soda kept cold by Han Solo? No ladies, that’s who. No ladies.
I just read this story linked from AOL’s Main Page about the latest “video game” causing controversy. This time, the game is “Miss Bimbo,” where the object is to dress like a slut, go on a crash diet, and get breast implants. This is just another in a long line of offensive, half-baked ideas meant to capitalize on shock. Also included in this category are JFK Reloaded, (the JFK assassination game), “Super Columbine Massacre RPG!” (the Columbine video game), and the “Mel Gibson Drunk Driving Game” which I happened upon during a little research. That last one, by the way, is on the Game Show Network’s official website.
These creations are completely offensive…to other video games! In fact, I don’t consider them “video games” at all. I’ve seen better gameplay on my old Casio Game Watch. Seriously, anyone with basic programming knowledge and a willingness to exploit a vile subject could put out one of these things. The problem is, outlets like AOL pick up the story and use broad statements like, “Video Game Causes Controversy!”, further damaging the reputation of gaming to the general public. Video games have enough controversy to battle without having some lame online game adding to the digital fire. I’ll say it again: These glorified flash animations with basic controls ARE NOT VIDEO GAMES!! They’re lightning rods used to gain recognition and ruffle feathers. Go ahead, condemn them as horrible influences on our children! I don’t care! But please, for the love of god, make the distinction between these FREE internet time-killers and actual video games that kids pay money for. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go play Grand Theft Auto and kill some hookers.
Well, someone went and did it. A website named Pixeloo turned everyone’s favorite plumber into a photorealistic, bloodshot, unshaven, wrinkly nightmare. This Photoshop creation is just another in a long line of Creepy Mario incarnations. There are so many, in fact, that I’ve created a new scale of Creepiness based on the different versions of Live Action Mario, which can be used in everyday life.
Click on the pic to enlarge it.
For instance — An old man wants to show you his collection of stamps? That’s Albano Mario Creepy. An old man wants to show you his collection of Boys’ Life back issues? That’s Ron Jeremy Mario Creepy. An old man wants to show you his collection of Boy’s Life back issues…without any pants? That’s Photoshop Mario Creepy. Feel free to use this scale liberally.
