Potent Quotables
“He is disagreeable and he has irritated me.”
“Fine chariot, but where is your horses?”
“Ifdjsaoigrajeobn oasdogasdg” (unintelligible line, occurs often)
“My name is Hercules.”

Body Count
0, but he does battle a man in a bear suit.

Unintentional Comedy Scale
8 out of 10

When doing a retrospective, often the best place to start is at the beginning. That is not the case with Arnold. His first movie, Hercules In New York, actually comes close to not even being a Schwarzenegger film. First, he goes under the stage name “Arnold Strong Mr. Universe,” and second, his voice was dubbed in the original release. Luckily for me, the DVD release restores Arnold’s original dialogue, and I can’t imagine getting through this movie without it. Every single line Arnold utters displays a total failure of the English language, making every single line infinitely quotable. Even simple stuff like “I am Hercules” comes out as “I um Her-Cuh-Leeees.” The sad thing is, this must have been the line he mastered best, because he says it about 15 times throughout the movie.

The story is kept simple by simply being non-existent. Hercules is kind of a loose cannon. He wants to hang out on Earth instead of Mount Olympus. And who can blame him? The Mount Olympus in this movie looks like a neglected park in New York populated with a bunch of off-off-off Broadway theater actors. So Zeus banishes Hercules to Earth. He lands in the ocean, gets picked up by sailors, beats up the sailors, meets up with a pretzel salesman (but doesn’t beat him up), goes to Central Park, beats up a cabbie and rolls over his cab, meets a pretty lady, beats up her boyfriend, beats up a man in a bear suit, becomes a wrestler, gets robbed of his strength during a televised weight lifting contest, and rides a chariot through Times Square.

After writing all that, “wrestles a man in a bear suit” doesn’t seem so far fetched. Click on the pic to witness the epic battle:

In all honesty, Hercules In New York is a marvel to behold, if only to see how far Arnold has come. The comedy stems entirely from his awkwardness and the action consists of him grabbing people and rolling around on the ground. It’s hard to imagine a few years later the Austrian Oak would become a box office behemoth, but watching this movie is a powerful reminder that Arnold truly achieved the American Dream. Anyone who can salvage their career after making Hercules In New York has the will of the gods behind him.

Next up…Stay Hungry. The only movie I’ve never seen with Arnold in a featured role. He even won a Golden Globe for his performance!

Aint It Cool News is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger has joined the cast of The Expendables written and directed by Sly Stallone. A team-up of Sly and Arnie has been a wet dream of action fans since the early ’80s, and although it sounds like Arnold’s role will be a glorified cameo, it really doesn’t matter. Having these two powerhouses finally together in any capacity is worth the price of admission. And even if you don’t think THAT’S worth the price of admission, maybe the rest of the cast will entice you. Because it looks like this–

Sylvester “Sly” Stallone
Jet “Mummy 3″ Li
Dolph “Drago” Lundgren
Mickey “The Ram” Rourke
Jason “The Nerd Loves You” Statham
Forest “Ghost Dog” Whitaker
Randy “Whatever” Couture
Freakin’ Arnold.

Are you KIDDING ME?? That’s an unbelievable list of action stars, and I even read a part was offered to Van Damme, but he turned it down. Yeah, smart move Jean Claude. Wouldn’t want to tarnish your legacy.

To coincide with this monumentous announcement, I’m going to start a new feature on the site where I go back and take a look at all of Schwarzenegger’s movies, starting with Hercules in New York all the way up to T3. I’ve wanted to do it for a while, but the undertaking is massive and will likely take months to get through all his movies. Luckily, I own about half of them. I’ll provide detailed reviews/favorite moments/unintentional comedy of each movie as I rewatch them. And in the end, I’ll give the ultimate ranking of Arnold movies, from worst to first.