Leaving X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I had several lingering questions. The first was, “I waited through the credits for that?” The second, and more important was, “What exactly was the point?”
Wolverine is an exercise in futility; a movie with no stakes, no consequences, and no real thrills. It’s just an excuse to get Hugh Jackman back in his star-making role without having to pay the entire cast of X-Men. It’s supposed to shed light on his beginnings and explain how he became a killing machine. But the bulk of that was effectively covered in X2. Wolverine’s relationship with Stryker in X2 is more of a father-son deal. It implies their connection is fairly complex. But as Origins shows, Stryker’s just the guy who injects Logan with adamantium. Sure, he also orchestrates a fake marriage and steals his DNA, but if their relationship is (and should have been) the crux of Origins, it fails completely.
The other important relationship in the movie is between Logan and Victor Creed, his brother (Liev Schreiber). Unfortunately, there’s no motivation for Sabretooth, except that he likes to kill things. And when Wolvie objects to the killing of innocent things, Sabretooth takes it personally. Uh, okay. Wolverine does gain motivation when Sabre kills his wife, but that proves to be useless and false anyway. Again, exercise in futility. Especially when, at the end of the movie, Victor has a change of heart for the stupidest of reasons. (“Nobody kills you but me.”) Everything is painted in broadstrokes like this.
As I mentioned in Sticky Floor Friday, there are about 30 mutant jammed into this movie. And every single one of them is useless. Take Gambit, for instance. It really feels like there was a meeting where the producers said, “Wouldn’t it be awesome if we had Gambit in this movie? I don’t care if the script is already written, just stick him in there somewhere!” I love me some Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights fans represent!), but Taylor Kitsch is given nothing to do in his three scenes as Gambit. He doesn’t have a memorable introduction or a memorable line, and he exists based solely on his reputation from the comics. Anyone who didn’t know him before this movie won’t know him after.
How about the team Stryker forms to pull off missions? The elite group of mutants consisting of Deadpool, The Blob, Bolt, Agent Zero, Bolt, John Wraith, Wolverine, and Sabretooth? We see them go on one and a half missions. That’s it. I would have loved Ryan Reynolds to be on screen for more than 4 minutes. This section of the movie could have really shaped Wolverine and shown him transforming from killing machine to a man with regrets. Instead, it’s just an excuse to throw a bunch of mutants together, then execute a half-assed, Watchmen rip-off, someone’s-killing-team-members storyline.
There are a few other mutant cameos, including Scott Summers, Emma Frost, and Prof. X. Not to get too nerdy, but did anyone else think it was weird that Scott could hear Professor X, but Emma, whose main power is telepathy, was totally oblivious? I guess she had diamonds between her ears.
But wait, there are EVEN MORE mutants! How about the main villain, Deadpool? An indestructible amalgam of the Weapon X team that has blades coming out of his hands, Cyclops’ beam coming out of his eyes, Wraith’s teleportation, and healing powers? Turns out you need to use a keyboard to make him work. And…he can’t be killed! Do you want to know how to take any tension out of a movie’s finale? Pit three unbeatable mutants against each other. What’s at stake?? NOTHING! In the Hulk Vs. Wolverine comic book, Hulk rips Wolverine in half and throws part of his body on a mountain because he knows he can’t kill him. That’s creativity! Deadpool/Wolverine/Sabretooth just punch and stab each other.
I think all of this would have been okay had the movie just stayed enjoyable. Even if the story’s weak, just make it FUN! We’ve seen Wolverine done better in the previous X-Men movies. He was funny, sarcastic, and viscous when he needed to be. I can’t remember more than one or two times that Logan even attempted to crack a joke in Origins. He’s so deadly serious that it drains any sense of fun from the movie. And he’s not even deadly! He has a bad dream and growls one time, that’s about as ferocious as I remember. At the end of the movie, Gambit returns to tell Wolverine something like, “You weren’t kidding when you said you were gonna kill everyone.” This line is hilarious because Wolverine doesn’t actually kill ANYONE during that sequence. For the majority of the movie, he doesn’t kill, he doesn’t crack jokes, he just exists. He’s never given anything interesting to do. This isn’t the fault of Hugh Jackman, or any of the actors for that matter. They do what they can, but it can’t overcome the mediocrity of the script.
You know, I remember seeing X-Men in theaters, and getting chills the first time I saw Wolverine on screen. Comic fans had been reveling in the aftermath for years. The first REAL Marvel movie and the beginning of the comic book movie boom. Since then, the bar has been consistently raised year after year, hitting the stratosphere last year with Dark Knight. The anemic effort put forth in X-Men Origins: Wolverine just doesn’t cut it anymore.
I think it’s safe to say whatever expectations you had for Crank: High Voltage, (whether you loved the original or hated it) will be exceeded. Excessively. It’s a sloppy mess with a kitchen-sink mentality that takes every idea from the original and blows it up tenfold. This was never a movie franchise about subtlety, but somehow Crank 2 makes the original’s pace seem like a leisurely stroll in the park. Happily suffering from a severe case of ADD in plot, style, and character development Crank 2 amps up every aspect of the original to the point where it’s almost unrecognizable. The filmmakers Neveldine/Taylor understood the appeal of the original and realized their core audience would probably go along with anything, including elbow sushi and rear entry with an oiled-up shotgun. They’ve also employed a number of really inventive camera tricks. Instead of feeling gimmicky, the creativity actually contributes to the film’s frenetic style. To quote a character in the movie, “This is new and exciting.”
High Voltage makes no apologies for what it is. It doesn’t try to be anything other than a shocking thrill ride. The rules are set up from the first frame, when Chev Chelios comes crashing to the ground…AND LIVES! Immediately, you can just throw out any notions of reality and just enjoy the twisted trip. During this journey you will see the aforementioned anal violation, crotch crushing via bicycle wheel, horse track sex, grandma rubbing, de-nipplefication, and a bunch of other stuff I don’t want to spoil. Suffice to say, despite these acts sounding offensive, they come across so cartoonish and over-the-top, the only logical reaction is laughter.
Several characters from the original get expanded roles in the sequel. Dwight Yoakam’s character is more proactive, and also carefully demonstrates his love of ass. Amy Smart also gets a boost of adrenaline, ditching the loopy stoner persona (and most of her clothes) from the original to become an ass-kicking exhibitionist. And star Jason Statham is really given the chance to go all-out and embrace the insanity. He’s got some great little moments, like when he’s trying to rub up on a guy for static electricity. Of course, he’s also got not-so-little moments, like when he sprays bodies full of lead while spouting off weird one-liners like, “Chicken. And broccoli.” Still love him with all my heart.
Now, onto plot. Chev’s heart has become the stuff of legend, and now it’s sought by Poon Dong, a decrepit old man who really just wants a new heart so he can get laid. After a less-than-professional heart transplant, Chev’s body now runs on a battery powered ticker. The only way to stay alive is to electrify himself when the script calls for it. That’s the basic premise of the whole movie, which makes it surprising that there are no less than four main villains during the course of the 86 minute ride. At times things get needlessly complicated, with each bad guy answering to another, until they run out of characters and just start bringing back body parts of Chev’s previously murdered adversaries.
Some new characters are unnecessary and just fill the screen with more crazy shit. Corey Haim’s character seems to exists only because he’s Corey Haim, and considering the directors wanted him in the first one but couldn’t secure him, that’s probably true. He gets two scenes and then he’s never heard from again. Bai Ling has a pretty big role, and is the one character you kinda wish would actually die when she’s supposed to. Her shtick is funny at first, but wears thin quickly. Efren Ramirez returns, playing the twin brother of his character from Crank. To make him different, they give him full body tourettes. And unfortunately, the idea of full body tourettes is funnier in theory than in practice. Clifton Collins Jr. also plays a brother of someone from the original, and his performance sticks out for being TOO over-the-top, which is really hard to do in a Crank movie.
The clutter of extra characters doesn’t really slow the movie down. If anything, it adds to the disorienting nature, because every few minutes we’re introduced to someone new. The same can’t be said for a few diversions from the story that feel like filler. There’s an extended scene towards the end that depicts Chev as an unruly child on a talk show, and instead of being funny, it slows down the momentum. If there were ever a movie that didn’t need back story, it’s Crank. You would think for a movie with so many enemies for Chev Chelios to creatively dispatch, they’d be able to pad out the 86 minute running time without so much as a minute of fluff.
Then again, isn’t that what Crank is all about? Fast-paced, outlandish, expletive-inducing fluff? I can’t believe I’m reviewing this seriously, talking about plot and character development. What’s wrong with me?!! Let’s get to the hyperbole already! Crank: High Voltage is a jolt to your nuts, a fever dream of fucked-up action, a crack hit laced with tits and guns.* Go see it!
*By the way, these quotes are all available for use on the DVD cover.
Potent Quotables
“He is disagreeable and he has irritated me.”
“Fine chariot, but where is your horses?”
“Ifdjsaoigrajeobn oasdogasdg” (unintelligible line, occurs often)
“My name is Hercules.”
Body Count
0, but he does battle a man in a bear suit.
Unintentional Comedy Scale
8 out of 10
When doing a retrospective, often the best place to start is at the beginning. That is not the case with Arnold. His first movie, Hercules In New York, actually comes close to not even being a Schwarzenegger film. First, he goes under the stage name “Arnold Strong Mr. Universe,” and second, his voice was dubbed in the original release. Luckily for me, the DVD release restores Arnold’s original dialogue, and I can’t imagine getting through this movie without it. Every single line Arnold utters displays a total failure of the English language, making every single line infinitely quotable. Even simple stuff like “I am Hercules” comes out as “I um Her-Cuh-Leeees.” The sad thing is, this must have been the line he mastered best, because he says it about 15 times throughout the movie.
The story is kept simple by simply being non-existent. Hercules is kind of a loose cannon. He wants to hang out on Earth instead of Mount Olympus. And who can blame him? The Mount Olympus in this movie looks like a neglected park in New York populated with a bunch of off-off-off Broadway theater actors. So Zeus banishes Hercules to Earth. He lands in the ocean, gets picked up by sailors, beats up the sailors, meets up with a pretzel salesman (but doesn’t beat him up), goes to Central Park, beats up a cabbie and rolls over his cab, meets a pretty lady, beats up her boyfriend, beats up a man in a bear suit, becomes a wrestler, gets robbed of his strength during a televised weight lifting contest, and rides a chariot through Times Square.
After writing all that, “wrestles a man in a bear suit” doesn’t seem so far fetched. Click on the pic to witness the epic battle:
In all honesty, Hercules In New York is a marvel to behold, if only to see how far Arnold has come. The comedy stems entirely from his awkwardness and the action consists of him grabbing people and rolling around on the ground. It’s hard to imagine a few years later the Austrian Oak would become a box office behemoth, but watching this movie is a powerful reminder that Arnold truly achieved the American Dream. Anyone who can salvage their career after making Hercules In New York has the will of the gods behind him.
Next up…Stay Hungry. The only movie I’ve never seen with Arnold in a featured role. He even won a Golden Globe for his performance!
Before Valkyrie was released, there was so much bad press surrounding an American-accented, eye-patched Tom Cruise, people were calling this the nail in Cruise’s career coffin. Of course, that was before Tropic Thunder. I held my expectations higher than that, especially knowing Bryan Singer was behind the camera. And now that it’s out, Valkyrie is nowhere near as bad as everyone thought (hoped?) it would be. In fact, it’s a pretty good film with some tense sequences bogged down by a slow start and odd casting choices.
I think I would have enjoyed Valkyrie a whole lot more if it starred someone other than Tom Cruise. That’s not really a knock on Cruise, he does an adequate job playing Stauffenberg, the German colonel leading the charge on a murder plot against Hitler. He just really has no business playing the lead. This is supposed to be a story showing a growing German uprising against Hitler, proving there were good Germans out there opposed to his reign. Unfortunately, when the Germans are being portrayed by American and British actors speaking in their native accents, something gets lost in the (non)translation. When you see Tom Cruise, you see an American in a German uniform. You don’t get the emotional connection that Tom Cruise The German has suffered the atrocities of Hitler’s regime.
That said, the carrying out of the assassination attempt is extremely well-done. Bryan Singer is able to create tension out of thin air. We know the ending to this story, yet there’s a building sense that maybe they actually pulled it off. It only takes a few hesitations and loyalty oaths to unravel the whole thing. The acting is top-notch, despite the lack of German actors. Everyone effectively carries out their duties of looking extremely concerned and fearful. Any cast with Kenneth Branagh, Terence Stamp, Tom Wilkinson, and Bill Nighy is sure to nail that.
Valkyrie‘s heart lies in the fact that most Germans know the end is near. They can sense that Germany will lose the war and Hitler will be killed, and it’s probably going to happen soon. In fact, it does, 9 months later. Despite this, they still risk their lives to kill Hitler, showing the world that not all Germans are evil (and also to negotiate a better peace deal). It’s admirable and courageous, a story that deserves being told. Unfortunately, Valkyrie is simply a good thriller starring Tom Cruise; not a moving tribute to the unsung heroes who tried to bring down Nazi Germany from the inside.
The Wrestler is essentially the story of ’80s wrestling superstar Jake”The Snake Roberts”. If you’ve seen the documentary Beyond The Mat, (if you haven’t, you should), Randy “The Ram” Robinson’s story will sound very familiar. Back in the ’80s at the height of professional wrestling, The Ram was on top of the world. Bigger than Hogan, if Hogan existed in the reality of this movie. He held the spotlight and probably never thought it would end. It’s a common problem with professional wrestlers. They never know when to retire. Some of them can prolong it successfully, such as Hogan or Ric Flair. Others, like Jake the Snake, Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect, and countless others, either die early or struggle to perform in front of 100 people, but continue to do so because it’s all they know. The Wrestler captures that feeling perfectly, and it’s heartbreaking. The Ram is washed up, putting his body on the line for 60 bucks a show, but he still garners respect in the small dressing rooms of house shows and that’s all he needs.
There’s a meticulous attention to detail about the wrestling that makes this movie 100% believable. I was a hardcore wrestling fan until 2002 (merger of WWF/WCW) and to say I was obsessed would be a gross miscalculation. Wrestling fans don’t get a lot of movies based around their sport, and when they do, it’s a marketing scam like Ready To Rumble. But we finally get our Spider-Man of wrestling. A movie that respects the genre and treats it correctly. The Ram headlining a house show in a gymnasium filled to capacity with 120 people. The “inside” look at wrestling, down to the choreography of the matches and the in-ring chatter. It’s all very authentic and pulls you into this insane world where a man will subject his body to thumb tacks, barbed wire, broken glass, and staple guns just to hear the applause of a handful of people.
The only complaint about realism I have is that The Ram pulls off ridiculous moves for a heavyweight, especially at his age. Ever see Hogan do a hurricarana? How about a frog splash? With moves like that, you wonder why The Ram wasn’t brought back to the big leagues. As the movie progresses, you realize even if he had the chance, he’d probably screw it up.
But enough about the wrestling.
Hit that there jump to read the rest of the review.
