Leaving X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I had several lingering questions. The first was, “I waited through the credits for that?” The second, and more important was, “What exactly was the point?”
Wolverine is an exercise in futility; a movie with no stakes, no consequences, and no real thrills. It’s just an excuse to get Hugh Jackman back in his star-making role without having to pay the entire cast of X-Men. It’s supposed to shed light on his beginnings and explain how he became a killing machine. But the bulk of that was effectively covered in X2. Wolverine’s relationship with Stryker in X2 is more of a father-son deal. It implies their connection is fairly complex. But as Origins shows, Stryker’s just the guy who injects Logan with adamantium. Sure, he also orchestrates a fake marriage and steals his DNA, but if their relationship is (and should have been) the crux of Origins, it fails completely.
The other important relationship in the movie is between Logan and Victor Creed, his brother (Liev Schreiber). Unfortunately, there’s no motivation for Sabretooth, except that he likes to kill things. And when Wolvie objects to the killing of innocent things, Sabretooth takes it personally. Uh, okay. Wolverine does gain motivation when Sabre kills his wife, but that proves to be useless and false anyway. Again, exercise in futility. Especially when, at the end of the movie, Victor has a change of heart for the stupidest of reasons. (”Nobody kills you but me.”) Everything is painted in broadstrokes like this.
As I mentioned in Sticky Floor Friday, there are about 30 mutant jammed into this movie. And every single one of them is useless. Take Gambit, for instance. It really feels like there was a meeting where the producers said, “Wouldn’t it be awesome if we had Gambit in this movie? I don’t care if the script is already written, just stick him in there somewhere!” I love me some Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights fans represent!), but Taylor Kitsch is given nothing to do in his three scenes as Gambit. He doesn’t have a memorable introduction or a memorable line, and he exists based solely on his reputation from the comics. Anyone who didn’t know him before this movie won’t know him after.
To read the entire review, click the stupid jump. (more…)
I think it’s safe to say whatever expectations you had for Crank: High Voltage, (whether you loved the original or hated it) will be exceeded. Excessively. It’s a sloppy mess with a kitchen-sink mentality that takes every idea from the original and blows it up tenfold. This was never a movie franchise about subtlety, but somehow Crank 2 makes the original’s pace seem like a leisurely stroll in the park. Happily suffering from a severe case of ADD in plot, style, and character development Crank 2 amps up every aspect of the original to the point where it’s almost unrecognizable. The filmmakers Neveldine/Taylor understood the appeal of the original and realized their core audience would probably go along with anything, including elbow sushi and rear entry with an oiled-up shotgun. They’ve also employed a number of really inventive camera tricks. Instead of feeling gimmicky, the creativity actually contributes to the film’s frenetic style. To quote a character in the movie, “This is new and exciting.”
High Voltage makes no apologies for what it is. It doesn’t try to be anything other than a shocking thrill ride. The rules are set up from the first frame, when Chev Chelios comes crashing to the ground…AND LIVES! Immediately, you can just throw out any notions of reality and just enjoy the twisted trip. During this journey you will see the aforementioned anal violation, crotch crushing via bicycle wheel, horse track sex, grandma rubbing, de-nipplefication, and a bunch of other stuff I don’t want to spoil. Suffice to say, despite these acts sounding offensive, they come across so cartoonish and over-the-top, the only logical reaction is laughter.
Several characters from the original get expanded roles in the sequel. Dwight Yoakam’s character is more proactive, and also carefully demonstrates his love of ass. Amy Smart also gets a boost of adrenaline, ditching the loopy stoner persona (and most of her clothes) from the original to become an ass-kicking exhibitionist. And star Jason Statham is really given the chance to go all-out and embrace the insanity. He’s got some great little moments, like when he’s trying to rub up on a guy for static electricity. Of course, he’s also got not-so-little moments, like when he sprays bodies full of lead while spouting off weird one-liners like, “Chicken. And broccoli.” Still love him with all my heart.
Now, onto plot. Chev’s heart has become the stuff of legend, and now it’s sought by Poon Dong, a decrepit old man who really just wants a new heart so he can get laid. After a less-than-professional heart transplant, Chev’s body now runs on a battery powered ticker. The only way to stay alive is to electrify himself when the script calls for it. That’s the basic premise of the whole movie, which makes it surprising that there are no less than four main villains during the course of the 86 minute ride. At times things get needlessly complicated, with each bad guy answering to another, until they run out of characters and just start bringing back body parts of Chev’s previously murdered adversaries.
Some new characters are unnecessary and just fill the screen with more crazy shit. Corey Haim’s character seems to exists only because he’s Corey Haim, and considering the directors wanted him in the first one but couldn’t secure him, that’s probably true. He gets two scenes and then he’s never heard from again. Bai Ling has a pretty big role, and is the one character you kinda wish would actually die when she’s supposed to. Her shtick is funny at first, but wears thin quickly. Efren Ramirez returns, playing the twin brother of his character from Crank. To make him different, they give him full body tourettes. And unfortunately, the idea of full body tourettes is funnier in theory than in practice. Clifton Collins Jr. also plays a brother of someone from the original, and his performance sticks out for being TOO over-the-top, which is really hard to do in a Crank movie.
The clutter of extra characters doesn’t really slow the movie down. If anything, it adds to the disorienting nature, because every few minutes we’re introduced to someone new. The same can’t be said for a few diversions from the story that feel like filler. There’s an extended scene towards the end that depicts Chev as an unruly child on a talk show, and instead of being funny, it slows down the momentum. If there were ever a movie that didn’t need back story, it’s Crank. You would think for a movie with so many enemies for Chev Chelios to creatively dispatch, they’d be able to pad out the 86 minute running time without so much as a minute of fluff.
Then again, isn’t that what Crank is all about? Fast-paced, outlandish, expletive-inducing fluff? I can’t believe I’m reviewing this seriously, talking about plot and character development. What’s wrong with me?!! Let’s get to the hyperbole already! Crank: High Voltage is a jolt to your nuts, a fever dream of fucked-up action, a crack hit laced with tits and guns.* Go see it!
*By the way, these quotes are all available for use on the DVD cover.
Potent Quotables
“He is disagreeable and he has irritated me.”
“Fine chariot, but where is your horses?”
“Ifdjsaoigrajeobn oasdogasdg” (unintelligible line, occurs often)
“My name is Hercules.”
Body Count
0, but he does battle a man in a bear suit.
Unintentional Comedy Scale
8 out of 10
When doing a retrospective, often the best place to start is at the beginning. That is not the case with Arnold. His first movie, Hercules In New York, actually comes close to not even being a Schwarzenegger film. First, he goes under the stage name “Arnold Strong Mr. Universe,” and second, his voice was dubbed in the original release. Luckily for me, the DVD release restores Arnold’s original dialogue, and I can’t imagine getting through this movie without it. Every single line Arnold utters displays a total failure of the English language, making every single line infinitely quotable. Even simple stuff like “I am Hercules” comes out as “I um Her-Cuh-Leeees.” The sad thing is, this must have been the line he mastered best, because he says it about 15 times throughout the movie.
The story is kept simple by simply being non-existent. Hercules is kind of a loose cannon. He wants to hang out on Earth instead of Mount Olympus. And who can blame him? The Mount Olympus in this movie looks like a neglected park in New York populated with a bunch of off-off-off Broadway theater actors. So Zeus banishes Hercules to Earth. He lands in the ocean, gets picked up by sailors, beats up the sailors, meets up with a pretzel salesman (but doesn’t beat him up), goes to Central Park, beats up a cabbie and rolls over his cab, meets a pretty lady, beats up her boyfriend, beats up a man in a bear suit, becomes a wrestler, gets robbed of his strength during a televised weight lifting contest, and rides a chariot through Times Square.
After writing all that, “wrestles a man in a bear suit” doesn’t seem so far fetched. Click on the pic to witness the epic battle:
In all honesty, Hercules In New York is a marvel to behold, if only to see how far Arnold has come. The comedy stems entirely from his awkwardness and the action consists of him grabbing people and rolling around on the ground. It’s hard to imagine a few years later the Austrian Oak would become a box office behemoth, but watching this movie is a powerful reminder that Arnold truly achieved the American Dream. Anyone who can salvage their career after making Hercules In New York has the will of the gods behind him.
Next up…Stay Hungry. The only movie I’ve never seen with Arnold in a featured role. He even won a Golden Globe for his performance!
Before Valkyrie was released, there was so much bad press surrounding an American-accented, eye-patched Tom Cruise, people were calling this the nail in Cruise’s career coffin. Of course, that was before Tropic Thunder. I held my expectations higher than that, especially knowing Bryan Singer was behind the camera. And now that it’s out, Valkyrie is nowhere near as bad as everyone thought (hoped?) it would be. In fact, it’s a pretty good film with some tense sequences bogged down by a slow start and odd casting choices.
I think I would have enjoyed Valkyrie a whole lot more if it starred someone other than Tom Cruise. That’s not really a knock on Cruise, he does an adequate job playing Stauffenberg, the German colonel leading the charge on a murder plot against Hitler. He just really has no business playing the lead. This is supposed to be a story showing a growing German uprising against Hitler, proving there were good Germans out there opposed to his reign. Unfortunately, when the Germans are being portrayed by American and British actors speaking in their native accents, something gets lost in the (non)translation. When you see Tom Cruise, you see an American in a German uniform. You don’t get the emotional connection that Tom Cruise The German has suffered the atrocities of Hitler’s regime.
That said, the carrying out of the assassination attempt is extremely well-done. Bryan Singer is able to create tension out of thin air. We know the ending to this story, yet there’s a building sense that maybe they actually pulled it off. It only takes a few hesitations and loyalty oaths to unravel the whole thing. The acting is top-notch, despite the lack of German actors. Everyone effectively carries out their duties of looking extremely concerned and fearful. Any cast with Kenneth Branagh, Terence Stamp, Tom Wilkinson, and Bill Nighy is sure to nail that.
Valkyrie’s heart lies in the fact that most Germans know the end is near. They can sense that Germany will lose the war and Hitler will be killed, and it’s probably going to happen soon. In fact, it does, 9 months later. Despite this, they still risk their lives to kill Hitler, showing the world that not all Germans are evil (and also to negotiate a better peace deal). It’s admirable and courageous, a story that deserves being told. Unfortunately, Valkyrie is simply a good thriller starring Tom Cruise; not a moving tribute to the unsung heroes who tried to bring down Nazi Germany from the inside.
The Wrestler is essentially the story of ’80s wrestling superstar Jake”The Snake Roberts”. If you’ve seen the documentary Beyond The Mat, (if you haven’t, you should), Randy “The Ram” Robinson’s story will sound very familiar. Back in the ’80s at the height of professional wrestling, The Ram was on top of the world. Bigger than Hogan, if Hogan existed in the reality of this movie. He held the spotlight and probably never thought it would end. It’s a common problem with professional wrestlers. They never know when to retire. Some of them can prolong it successfully, such as Hogan or Ric Flair. Others, like Jake the Snake, Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect, and countless others, either die early or struggle to perform in front of 100 people, but continue to do so because it’s all they know. The Wrestler captures that feeling perfectly, and it’s heartbreaking. The Ram is washed up, putting his body on the line for 60 bucks a show, but he still garners respect in the small dressing rooms of house shows and that’s all he needs.
There’s a meticulous attention to detail about the wrestling that makes this movie 100% believable. I was a hardcore wrestling fan until 2002 (merger of WWF/WCW) and to say I was obsessed would be a gross miscalculation. Wrestling fans don’t get a lot of movies based around their sport, and when they do, it’s a marketing scam like Ready To Rumble. But we finally get our Spider-Man of wrestling. A movie that respects the genre and treats it correctly. The Ram headlining a house show in a gymnasium filled to capacity with 120 people. The “inside” look at wrestling, down to the choreography of the matches and the in-ring chatter. It’s all very authentic and pulls you into this insane world where a man will subject his body to thumb tacks, barbed wire, broken glass, and staple guns just to hear the applause of a handful of people.
The only complaint about realism I have is that The Ram pulls off ridiculous moves for a heavyweight, especially at his age. Ever see Hogan do a hurricarana? How about a frog splash? With moves like that, you wonder why The Ram wasn’t brought back to the big leagues. As the movie progresses, you realize even if he had the chance, he’d probably screw it up.
But enough about the wrestling.
Hit that there jump to read the rest of the review.
Frost/Nixon plays out a lot like a sports movie for wannabe journalists. It’s got a scrappy, overmatched underdog, a powerful, unbeatable opponent, and even a training montage. But it also bears some of the worst aspects of sports movies, including an abundance of crowd reaction shots and the same unbelievability of a really bad team taking down a giant. Luckily, they’ve got a secret weapon, and his name is Langella.
Much of the movie is spent setting up David Frost as the wrong man for the job; a playboy talk show host with more interest in ratings than politics. His interest in Nixon is purely of the sideshow circus freak variety. He has no concern for getting an admission of guilt from the former president. He just wants to entertain. It’s the reason Nixon agrees to the interview. It’ll be a cake walk and he can restore his dignity! It’s the exact plot of Mystery, Alaska, but with words replacing hockey.
The story, as directed by Ron Howard, seems a little confused at times. It’s a narrative film interrupted at key moments by a faux-documentary style with the characters breaking the fourth wall and giving interviews to camera. They essentially get on camera to tell you what you’re supposed to think. “Man, Nixon really won the first interview.” Thanks for that, talking head. How about you show us instead?? There’s something really awkward about it because they’re playing the exact same age as they are in the movie, yet somehow they have all this perspective on the situation. It takes away precious time from the core of the movie — the interviews.
Click on the unnecessary jump to read the rest of the review.
Punisher: War Zone is a fairly vile, irredeemable movie. I’m almost in shock it was directed by a woman. Within the first five minutes, Frank Castle has sliced off a man’s head, broken a woman’s neck, scalped a dude, and spun upside down on a chandelier showering bullets into henchman who are either really curious or are being pushed into the room against their will. If they just been patient and waited, Frank would have wasted his ammo on the gaudy vases and mirrors. They’re all guilty of something though, so it’s okay (Even the woman, who I imagine wasn’t at a mob dinner just for the pasta). There isn’t much to take away from the story or characters, except we learn that when Frank Castle punches someone in their face, their head explodes. It’s laughable, audacious, and poorly scripted. But guess what? I like when heads explode.
If you took all the effort The Dark Knight made to feel realistic and did the exact opposite, you’d end up with War Zone. It doesn’t take place in our world. The mobsters are more insulting to Italian Americans than an Olive Garden commercial, Jigsaw looks straight out of Dick Tracy, and Frank Castle can stroll through the city armed to the slicked-back hair with guns and grenades without anyone noticing. Even the actors treat the material like they’re delivering lines to the back of an auditorium, with one exception. Ray Stevenson makes for the best Punisher yet, at least physically. He doesn’t really say much, except when expressing his disdain for God. He barely even quips! It’s probably best that way, as Frank Castle has always let his weaponry do the talking. The character is treated like a shark; constantly moving and killing. He’s given maybe three humane moments, when remembering his slain family, regretting the accidental murder of an undercover cop, and protecting a little girl. They’re brief though, ’cause there are people to be punished.
And punished they are! Anyone who complained that previous Punishers were too light on the gore will get their fill. Here you will see every part of the body impaled, shot, stabbed, bitten, and exploded. The movie even ends on a joke about splattered brains! Sometimes violence happens for no reason, like when Frank and an FBI agent have an unarmed mob henchman in custody and Frank decides to blow his face off with a shotgun while holding a child. Or when he walks into Microchip’s apartment and finds his mom missing 3/4’s of her head. By the way, I was pleased to see Microchip finally portrayed, even if his chances of seeing screen time in a sequel are greatly diminished.
I can usually judge my enjoyment of a bad movie by how much I laugh during it. I laughed a lot during War Zone. It’s a violent comic book come to life and doesn’t try to be anything more. Once you realize that, the movie becomes pretty fun.
It’s weird to watch Punisher: War Zone just a few days before The Dark Knight comes to DVD. The Punisher and Batman aren’t too different from each other. They both seek vengeance for the murder of loved ones, both are seen as vigilantes punishing the wicked, and they both love black. The fundamental difference is that Frank Castle kills. And this difference might be the reason their movies are so different tonally. Batman has something to lose, and people can relate to that. He’s able to be put in a real-world context. A serious Punisher movie would lose people after the first frame. How can you justify a cold-blooded murderer running around your city, no matter whose side he’s on?
You can’t, which is why we cheer the fantasy of The Punisher popping heads like zits, then go on with the rest of our day!
Speed Racer is the movie equivalent of crack. On crack. In fact, it might even be too hyperactive for the ADD crowd. There’s a cut every two seconds, and when there isn’t a cut, the background is changing behind a character, or we’re given four different storylines, sometimes on the screen simultaneously. Regular two-shot conversations are replaced with heads wiping across the screen. The action scenes feel like a little kid taking Matchbox cars and ramming them together. And there are lots and lots of pretty colors. So…why did I actually like it?
The first 15 minutes alone are worth the price of admission — An introduction that jumps time and space, showing Speed as a little boy, then as a race car driver, then as a young boy again watching his brother race, then we follow his brother’s story, then we’re back to Speed as a race car driver, and Susan Sarandon shows up, and it’s all mashed together, establishing that there are no rules. And if the movie accidentally sets any rules, it will be sure to break them later. So many tricks are employed to keep your attention, it’s impossible not to be captivated by the breakneck storytelling speed. Even if you completely hate the style, you’ll be hard pressed to turn it off with all the crazy visuals unfolding in front of you. Like I said, crack. I’m not saying it’s good, but it’s so insane it demands you watch. At first. See, the problem with Speed Racer, as I guessed in Sticky Floor Friday, is that the movie is long. Wayyyy toooooo loooong. It comes in at 2 hours, 15 minutes. That’s at least 45 minutes too long, especially with the sugar-rush pace it holds. I was exhausted after a half hour, and there was still so much more to go.
The strange thing is, even though things happen so quickly, the story itself is fairly simple. Speed Racer is being wooed by a big time sponsor, but decides to stick with his father (John Goodman, looking a lot like Super Mario) and soon uncovers corruption within the racing world. Also, his brother died when he was a kid, and he is racing to avenge him. That’s it. I can’t really speak to the acting, because it’s one big scenery chew. You know, if they had scenery to chew on aside from green screens. All the tricks and colors are the Mach 5, the story and actors are just the track for it to drive on.
This movie accomplished its goal of being a live-action anime movie. It’s undeniably enthusiastic filmmaking, and for a while, that energy keeps you interested. It’s by no means a great movie, but it isn’t meant to be. It’s a big bag of M & Ms; Tasty, but if you eat them all, you’ll get sick.
