Dead Alive is a masterpiece of the gore genre. Never before (or since) has there been a film to match the amount of blood and body parts contained in this film. Long before Peter Jackson was the Lord of the Rings, he concocted this ridiculous horror film a about a stop-motion, virus-spreading rat-monkey. It’s a crowd pleaser for everyone out there. There’s a little star-crossed romance for the ladies. There’s a complex mother-son relationship for families to identify with and discuss. And there’s zombie sex for, well, everyone else.
This isn’t a scary movie by any means. It’s an attempt to put as much dismemberment, brains, and blood on the screen as possible. It’s also a technical wonder. The practical effects in this movie are astonishing, and even the ones that aren’t (a zombie baby played by a midget) are played up for humor. Bodies are ripped apart and mangled with such a playful zest that it’s often hard not to laugh at the over-the-top nature of each bloody, ripped-out rib cage.
Yep. Expect something like this.
There are so many inventive kill shots, it’s difficult to choose a favorite. Dead Alive makes brilliant use of the following things: a garden gnome, a lawnmower, a giant puppet with puppet-y boobs, and attacking flatulent intestines. And I haven’t even given away the good parts! Now look, this movie is bloody, violent, and over the top. It makes Kill Bill look like Care Bears. I’ve shown it to people who can’t stomach it (although my younger sister loves it and bought it for me for Christmas, making her the only girl in history to adore a movie about a monkey who was raped by a rat). But one thing is guaranteed: You will NOT be bored or fall asleep to this one. I love gory movies that take the violence to such an extreme that it becomes almost like a dare to see how creative and ridiculous they can get with human dismemberment. Dead Alive is at the top of the Gorefest genre, made with a bloody wink to audience and a real love for special effects.
Must-See Moment: When Lionel finally realizes his destiny and takes to the zombified party-goers with a lawnmower. It’s a scene filled with so much blood and guts, Lionel has trouble standing on the slippery floor.
Ohhh yes. I’ve been hip-pocketing this one a while now, waiting to unleash it onto the unsuspecting masses. It’s time to talk a little Troll 2, the worst horror movie of all time!
So why would I want to talk about a horrible horror movie? Because there’s something magical about this retarded collection of moving images (even calling it a film would be giving it too much credit). This is, top to bottom, the funniest unintentional comedy I’ve ever seen. For instance, the name of the movie is Troll 2. But guess what? There are NO TROLLS to be found. Not a one. They’re goblins. We know this because the name of the town is called Nilbog, and a crucial plot point revolves around the main character realizing Nilbog spelled backwards is goblin! But trolls aren’t the only thing missing from this movie - it’s also missing actors. It’s very clear no one in Troll 2 has been in front of a camera before. The guy who plays the dad is a dentist in real life. A dentist! So keep this in mind: The trolls in Troll 2 are goblins, and the actors are dentists.
Did I mention the goblins are actually midgets in burlap sacks and Dollar Store Halloween masks? ‘Cause they are. See for yourself:
The fact that there aren’t even any Trolls (or actors, or budget, or script, or sense of self respect) bumps this thing into its own class of genius.T2 is about…Okay, it’s not really about anything. There’s a kid who talks to his dead grandpa. The grandpa convinces the kid to piss all over his family’s dinner, which consists of donuts. And then goblins show up and harass the family with sack lunches.
That’s pretty much the plot summary. But it’s not so much what Troll 2 is about as what it embodies. There’s a spirit of suckiness here that far transcends the “so bad it’s good” theory. It’s beyond bad. And because of that, it’s beyond good. It is its own entity. It causes me to use words like ‘suckiness’ to describe it, but you’ll notice I also used words like ‘genius.’ Troll 2 fits into the category of “Never watch this alone with the lights out,” because if you watch it alone, you won’t have anyone to turn to and crack jokes, and if the lights are out, you’ll just fall asleep. Troll 2 is an abomination worth ripping apart with friends, so pass out the beers, pop this junk in the DVD player, and let the jokes fly.
To quote an exchange from this symphony of suck:
…And that trick was making Troll 2.
MUST-SEE MOMENT: Technically, none of these moments should be seen by anyone, but the dinner scene where Joshua gets up on the table and pees on the food is probably the pinnacle and really showcases the level of quality we’re dealing with.
Last night on Spike TV’s Scream 2008 (An awards show for horror movies, except mostly sci-fi and comic book movies won, and the big celebration of the night was an award given to George Lucas?), a teaser was released for the Friday the 13th remake and guess what? it adds nothing new to the series. Aside from the slick Michael Bay-style visuals, it feels like it could have been a generic scene from any Friday the 13th sequel. Where’s the tension? Where’s the creativity? The best part was hearing the old music again.
If House of 1,000 Corpses was Rob Zombie’s awkward (and falsely titled) welcome party to the horror genre, then Devil’s Rejects is his reaction to there being no cake. Infinitely more interesting and bloody than House, Devil’s Rejects hearkens back to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a grimy, hyper-realistic story of truly deplorable characters lacking one single redeeming quality. Unless you’re a fan of their sadistic, F-ed up sense of humor. Actually, that’s kind of a requirement in order to enjoy this movie.
The story follows a family of serial killers from House of 1000 Corpses, on the run from an insane sheriff looking to avenge his brother’s death. Here’s a truly brutal movie where the main characters are actually the villains. They perform hideous acts on unsuspecting people (poor Brian Posehn!), including removing the face of a man and placing it on his wife. (See what I meant about sadistic sense of humor?) This movie is so beyond pitch black that even when it seems the poor woman has escaped certain death, she blindly runs into the middle of the road and gets liquefied by a truck. Yeah. It’s one of those movies. Hell, even the sheriff is out of his mind, so hell-bent on revenge that he’s willing to break every law in the book just to satisfy his own bloodlust.
Unlike Teeth or Final Destination 2, Devil’s Rejects is not a playful horror movie. It’s a sickening spectacle of violence that’ll make you want to shower after watching it. And probably most horrific of all, Devil’s Rejects will stick Free Bird in your head for the rest of the night. Despite this (or maybe because of it!), I completely recommend Rejects as a well-executed descent into madness that accomplishes the goal it sets out to do: make you cover your eyes in fear.
While writing about Devil’s Rejects, I found a website called Kids In Mind, which reviews movies for parents. Unsurprisingly, the movie scores a 10 in violence, gore, and profanity, but also offers the types of discussion topics parents can share with their children after watching the movie. They are: Family, mass murder, sexual abuse, mental illness, bestiality, fate, revenge, death of a sibling, vengeance, justice, sadism. I love that family is the first discussion topic to cover.
MUST-SEE MOMENT: I’d hate to call any moment in this movie must-see, because it says a lot about my own sick sense of humor, but the motel scene in which Otis and Baby Firefly hold a country band captive simply for their own amusement is probably the most effective sequence in the movie. Watching people beg for their lives, you get the sinking feeling that NOTHING they say will save them. Otis and Baby’s gleeful reactions to their pleas set up the dread and central fear of the movie — There is no reasoning with these killers.
Those two words should instill horror in all men. What could be more frightening to a man than the thought of being separated from his baby maker? That’s the basic premise of Teeth, a horror movie that will not only have men crossing their legs, but maybe even empower a few women.
Teeth is part horror, part comedy, and all sorts of crazy. At the center of the movie is repressed do-gooder Dawn. She wears a promise ring and holds pro-abstinence functions at her school, a perfect model for young high school girls. When her boyfriend doesn’t understand No Means No, something inside Dawn is unleashed — and it’s got teeth. The movie is a cautionary tale of teenage sexual angst, manifested as teeth inside Dawn’s lady parts. As Dawn tries to understand her own body, the dead bodies start piling up in increasingly gruesome fashion.
Teeth combines several genres, starting off as a teen comedy satire, then jumping the rails into horror territory until finally settling on the revenge genre. It sounds schizophrenic, and it is, but each genre is effective, and Jess Weixler is so strong in the lead role, you’ll have no problem going along for the ride. Seeing Dawn discover and harness her power is an interesting, and unsettling, journey with enough blood to satisfy gorehounds, enough female power to satisfy message-seekers, and enough detached penises to put a dildo factory out of business.
MUST-SEE MOMENT: When Dawn finally embraces her sexual power and unleashes it on her twisted brother, giving him a true taste of revenge and leaving the leftovers for the family pet.
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
Horror Subgenre: Lynchian Insanity
A good horror movie can be judged by whether you would A) watch it alone and B) with the lights out. At first glance, you wouldn’t expect Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me to be considered a horror movie. But trust me; I will NEVER watch this movie by myself in the dark. It has all the elements of a conventional horror film - mysterious serial killer, teens in trouble, a touch of the supernatural - but they’re employed in such mindbending, quirky ways, the movie transcends horror to become a character study of a flawed family.
I’ve been a huge fan of the TV series since it debuted in 1990. Heavy stuff for an 11-year-old, I know. I was captivated by the otherworldly elements and the quintessential performance of Kyle McLachlin as Agent Cooper. When the movie was released in ‘92, I called around to every theater in my area to find it. By that time, the show had been canceled due to plummeting ratings and time shifts, and no one in Ohio was playing it. In fact, I remember one of the theater employees saying, “Twin Peaks? Isn’t that a TV show? We play movies here.” When it eventually came out on video, I picked it up and, despite being a die-hard fan, hated it. I think a lot of people felt the same way. I realize now I was too young to appreciate the themes Lynch was working with. The tone of the film is much heavier than the TV show, and it’s practically devoid of humor. Having perspective, I can appreciate the vision of Fire Walk With Me, and recognize it as a great horror film.
At the heart of it is Laura Palmer, the doomed protagonist whose life is a waking nightmare. Fire Walk With Me follows the last seven days of her life as she struggles to balance her Prom Queen image against a demanding father, drug addictions, and sex with many, many people. Everyone knows the fate of Laura Palmer. It was the main conceit of the TV show. That makes this movie that much more tragic, but it doesn’t unfold in conventional ways. The story is laid out in a surreal vision of midgets, monkeys, creamed corn, and creepy paintings. There’s a certain incoherence to every David Lynch movie that subconsciously plays with your perceptions, bathing the story in a sense of unease. You might not be to able to explain everything that’s happening, but you know it’s making you feel really weird. For instance, David Bowie is in this movie for one scene. And in that scene, he tells a story that really doesn’t make sense, then vanishes into thin air, never to be mentioned again. Huh? It’s irrelevant but effectively creepy.
This whole time and I haven’t even mentioned BOB the killer. Bob is essentially a metaphor for the evil that men do. He inhabits people’s souls and forces them to perform unspeakable acts, sometimes without their knowledge. This compounds the tragedy of the situation when you realize who Laura’s killer is, and adds a layer of complexity most horror movies lack. Before watching this movie, it helps to have knowledge of the TV series, particularly the first 17 episodes. If you’ve never seen the show, Fire Walk With Me is still an terrifying exercise in surreal horror as only David Lynch can do it.
Must-See Scene: The heart-wrenching finale which sets in motion the entire run of the television series. In the end, Laura Palmer’s is freed from a tragic life by allowing herself to be killed. It’s heartbreaking and horrific, yet somehow you leave the film with a sense of relief.
Final Destination 2
Horror Subgenre: Creative Kills
Often times, sequels are disappointing. ESPECIALLY horror sequels. It seems for every Evil Dead 2, there’s a Friday the 13thPart 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. But every once in a while, they rise up and become greater than their predecessor. Such is the case with Final Destination 2, a movie built upon the Horror Movie Money Shot: creative, ridiculous deaths. FD2 takes the premise of Final Destination - a group of people escape a tragedy, only to have death circle back and kill them in Rube Goldberg-esque ways - and cranks every aspect up to skull-crushing levels. It’s all set off by the most insane car wreck in movie history, which you can watch below if you’re up to it.
This movie is so insane, I can show you these two and a half minutes and be confident I’m not even ruining the best parts. Like The Thing, Final Destination 2 continually plays with your emotions. No one is safe. In fact, you know everyone will die. It’s built into the rules of the movie! You even know WHEN most of them will go. The true fun is seeing HOW.
Scenarios play out for minutes, setting the plan for a character’s death in motion by teasing the audience with several options, only to turn around and drop a plate glass window out of nowhere! Sometimes you’ll be relieved when someone bites it just so you can catch a breather, but then…holy shit where did that barbed-wire fence come from??
FD2 is a pleasant surprise that could have easily been a forgotten sequel. By upping the creativity, tension, and body count, Final Destination 2 is the perfect group horror movie. I’ve seen it many times, but I’ve yet to tire of its awesomeness.
MUST-SEE SCENE: The gruelingly drawn-out scene in which a character escapes a minimum of 7 opportunities for death in his apartment, starting with a grease fire, continuing with suffocation, followed by amputation, electrocution, explosion, a slip on spaghetti, and ending with a falling ladder. And even when you think you know when he’s going to die, you’ll still never see it coming.
By the way, anyone else notice the tag line for this movie in the poster above? Look familiar? Well, IT SHOULD!
Luckily, one of these movies surpasses its horrible tagline.
What do you get when you combine Kurt Russell in a frosty beard, a detached head that grows legs and runs around, and a spoonful of Wilford Brimley? You’ve got yourself a horror classic, my nerdy friends.
John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of my favorite horror movies of all time. Correction. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time. No qualifiers necessary. This movie is BAD ASS! I remember watching this with my dad when I was fairly young and impressionable. It left an indelible mark on me, punctuated by gruesome effects and a desolate, helpless location. Set in the remote Antarctic, The Thing follows a research team who discovers some, er, thing that starts to infect and destroy the crew one by one in horrific manners.
The genius of the movie is its approach to The Thing. No one’s quite sure what it is, if they’re infected, and what the effects will be. If provoked, the Thing will defend itself no matter what. If it takes over a human, it’s almost like an earthworm. It can survive in pieces or as a whole, so it reacts differently to each unique situation. Sometimes the head will detach from the body. Sometimes the head will split in half and grow teeth so it can munch on someone’s face.
As great as the effects are in The Thing, what sets it apart is the interaction of the crew, and the growing paranoia among them. Since no one knows who’s infected, it’s every man for himself. There’s a psychological game at play for each character, and part of the fun as a viewer is trying to figure out who will reveal themselves as The Thing. The other thing that sets it apart is its ending, which is memorable in its refusal to cop out. No false hope here, folks. If you’ve never seen The Thing, you owe it to yourself to check it out.
Must-See Moment: In an attempt to determine which crew member is The Thing, Kurt Russell draws blood from each person and jabs it with a hot wire. It’s a tense scene with clever misdirection about who’s infected. When the climax hits, it’s unexpected and quickly escalates to a horrific end for two crew members.
Here’s a movie that was quietly released in limited release last year, and deserves to be recognized for its greatness. Backed by the effects team at WETA, Peter Jackson’s studio that brought you the insane gore of Dead Alive,Black Sheep is a horror comedy about genetically engineered sheep who turn deadly. Yeah, that’s right. Killer sheep. This is the first movie I’ve ever seen that could make a single shot of a sheep simultaneously hilarious and chilling. Black Sheep takes an old school ’80s approach to horror: Start with an innocent idea and make it terrifying, throw in some practical effects of grotesque man-sheep abominations, and keep it campy.
The story revolves around Henry, a young man who is terrified of sheep due to a traumatic childhood experience. His worst fears are realized when he returns to the farm where he grew up to find his brother conducting experiments on the sheep, turning them into evil mutants. And if you’re not sold on the movie off that premise, there’s something wrong with you. The high points of Black Sheep lie in the special effects, which hearken back to Peter Jackson’s early movies like Bad Taste and Meet the Feebles. The mutant sheep are sickening but they’re anchored by a healthy dose of, pardon the pun, black humor. For instance, it’s revealed later that a key character is so interested in the sheep, he really gets to know one. Biblically. There’s also an activist character who frees a mutant lamb (which looks suspiciously similar to the rat monkey in Dead Alive), and it ends up chomping on his ear.
Must-See Moment: The Sheep Battle Inside The Truck. If you’ve never seen a sheep get its head rammed repeatedly into a steering wheel, then later, drive the truck over a cliff, now’s your chance!
