I caught up on a lot of bad movies between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. This is a document of those movies.
Revelation #1: There Really Aren’t Any Good New Year’s Movies.
Remember that movie Strange Days? Written by James Cameron, starring Ralph Fiennes? Okay, you probably don’t. I don’t remember much about it either, except for some virtual reality stuff with Juliette Lewis. (Wow, remember the “virtual reality” craze in movies? Lawnmower Man 2 and Virtuosity come to mind immediately. And immediately give me a headache). I also remember Strange Days took place on New Year’s Eve. And I’m having a difficult time remembering another movie that takes place on New Year’s Eve. Am I just missing a really big one, probably titled New Year’s Eve and starring Pacino, Stallone, Darryl Hannah, Dudley Moore, and Patrick Swayze? Probably not.
Revelation #2: Mamma Mia! is easily the most embarrassing career move anyone in that movie has ever made.
Yes, I mentioned this in my prior post. I was forced to watch Mamma Mia! over the Christmas break. The Dad With Words threatened to take back my David Lynch box set. When presented with this horrifying situation, I reverted to the old standby — “It’s for research.” Then, I slogged through the depths of hell for two hours so I could come back and write about it here. So, yes. I did see Mamma Mia! and I can safely presume it’s the lowest I’ll ever see Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgard go. Don’t believe me? I’ve got PROOF!
That’s James FREAKING Bond there, kids. James. Freaking. Bond. The only positive thing about Mamma Mia! is that I learned I’m better than Pierce Brosnan at something — singing. I’m not saying I’m a talented singer. I’m saying an emphysema sufferer coughing the lyrics to “Dancing Queen” might sound more appealing than Mr. Bond.
I’ve also never seen a film jammed with ridiculously happy people. Every single person in the movie is smiling, and even when there’s an issue they need to confront, they’re still smiling away. No one ever stops smiling, probably for fear that once they do, the heavy weight of this awful, awful movie will come crashing down, sending them into a spiraling depression.
Revelation #3: Eagle Eye. More Like Ehhgle Eye.
I like DJ Caruso. I thought Disturbia was a tidy little entertaining package. Eagle Eye approaches its story in the same manner, but I wasn’t nearly as pleased once the credits rolled. Oddly enough, Disturbia is an updated teen version of Rear Window, but it actually felt more fresh than Eagle Eye, an original film based off an original Spielberg idea. If you saw Enemy of the State ten years ago, or my post on “paranoid thrillers,” you know exactly what to expect here, except with 12 more car chases and a touch of predictable science fiction.
Revelation #4: The House Bunny is not a good movie. Anna Faris is hilarious. Therefore, Anna Faris is impervious to bad movies.
It pains me to not be able to dropkick The House Bunny into the dirt. If this movie starred anyone but Anna Faris, it would be just another cookie cutter college movie; losers become popular, then learn a lesson about popularity. Oh, and they save their sorority in the process. The supporting cast is weak (Colin Hanks could have easily been played by a cardboard cutout with a bewildered look on its face), the plot twists are unnecessary (Isn’t it funnier to think Hef kicked out a bunny because she’s old, not because another Playmate was scheming to get the centerfold?), and any joke not delivered by Anna Faris lands awkwardly on the ground and breaks its leg (coincidentally, where the funny bone is located). But this movie has two things going for it. First, Anna Faris is extremely funny. Her timing and delivery elevate the terrible material to undeserving levels. Her offbeat humor, like saying everyone’s name in a deep growl for no reason when she first meets them, adds an unexpected element to her character. And second, Anna Faris is dressed like this for an hour and a half:
Revelation #5: Zodiac. Finally, a movie I liked!
After seeing Benjamin Button, I felt I had to finally get around to watching David Fincher’s previous film, Zodiac. It had been in my Netflix queue for months, and when it finally arrived, it sat on my coffee table for a few more months, the dreaded running time (2 hours, 37 minutes) mocking me every time I sat down. That’s one of several 150+ minute movies I’ve sent back to Netflix unwatched. So when I was walking through Blockbuster a few days ago, disgusted at myself for how many of the movies I’d already seen, I accidentally kicked a box over on the shelf behind me. It happened to be Zodiac. This movie is the definition of a procedural. It’s extremely thorough in documenting the obsession of the media and law enforcement and despite its running time, I felt like there was always something compelling happening. Anyone walking into this movie expecting a thriller had to be greatly disappointed. There are very few scenes of tension, and the biggest one seems out of place (Gyllenhall visiting the projectionist). I liked seeing how the pieces of the investigation fit together, from minor details of who called in a murder to how the authorities had to navigate the red tape just to get a simple search warrant. I’m not usually a procedural guy. But Zodiac interested me because it could have easily been made as a slasher/thriller/serial killer hunt, yet Fincher decided to labor on the tiny details and the movie benefits from it greatly. Plus, it’s got Robert Downey Jr.
Well that didn’t take long. This Blog Post from Entertainment Weekly is an example of the weak arguments I’m hearing from detractors of The Dark Knight. If you read the blog post, there isn’t one good argument against the movie (Christian Bale only makes an ‘adequate Batman’?? At least say you don’t like his growling voice). It’s all about the hype of the film and how that led to the blogger’s disappointment in the movie. But if he saw the movie when everyone else did, like I would assume someone who writes for Entertainment Weekly would feel an obligation to do, that factor would have been removed from the equation.
I understand the idea of building up a movie in your mind to the point where it can’t possibly live up to expectations. But the Entertainment Weekly blog post is just a stunt to get more comments on your site. Go against popular opinion and you’ll be rewarded with some attention. The Dark Knight now is exactly what The Dark Knight was 6 months ago. Nothing has changed except its popularity. It’s a great film, a critical AND box office success, and easily the best comic book movie ever made. Anyone joining the party now may just feel left out, so they have no choice but to declare it ‘not really as good as everyone was saying.’ You’ll notice this backlash will come without much valid criticism of the film itself. It’s lazy to blame your dislike of a movie on hype. There’s a paradox there. If the hype has been built up for you, why have you waited so long to see the movie? If the hype wasn’t enough to get you in the theater, then hype must not be that important to you. Which means it shouldn’t affect your viewing of the movie when you do get around to seeing it, which also means you can’t use it as an excuse.
Happy New Year, faithful followers (and occasional stoppers-by (and random porn seekers who failed their mission)) and welcome to a New Year in Nerd. I’ve got a slew of updates coming this week, including reviews of Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire, and a special Weekend Revelations where I will admit to seeing bothMamma Mia! and The House Bunny. One of these movies had me locked in a moral dilemma between verbally assaulting my family with and hurling myself into the fireplace. I chose to get drunk instead. It didn’t help.
I’ll have quite a few updates this week, including the One Year Anniversary of Sticky Floor Friday. It’s crazy to think that in a year’s time, I could pull in over 50 viewers a week per episode.
You may have noticed a lack of updates following my introduction of The Collector. Here are the reasons why:
Christmas! Many hours devoted to Lynch’s Lime Green Set.
Someone got a special edition Hancock with a hat. I probably shouldn’t have combined the words “Nerd” and “Cock”.
Spent a few hours in Pittsburgh.
And a couple more in DC.
The holidays are over and I’ve got a lot of content to throw at you this year that will rival my best stuff from last year. Then again, I can’t promise I’ll fall through any glass tables. But I will be doing something equally painful: Watching The Love Guru and documenting the experience. Thanks for coming to the site, stick around for a hell of a lot more!
Before Valkyrie was released, there was so much bad press surrounding an American-accented, eye-patched Tom Cruise, people were calling this the nail in Cruise’s career coffin. Of course, that was before Tropic Thunder. I held my expectations higher than that, especially knowing Bryan Singer was behind the camera. And now that it’s out, Valkyrie is nowhere near as bad as everyone thought (hoped?) it would be. In fact, it’s a pretty good film with some tense sequences bogged down by a slow start and odd casting choices.
I think I would have enjoyed Valkyrie a whole lot more if it starred someone other than Tom Cruise. That’s not really a knock on Cruise, he does an adequate job playing Stauffenberg, the German colonel leading the charge on a murder plot against Hitler. He just really has no business playing the lead. This is supposed to be a story showing a growing German uprising against Hitler, proving there were good Germans out there opposed to his reign. Unfortunately, when the Germans are being portrayed by American and British actors speaking in their native accents, something gets lost in the (non)translation. When you see Tom Cruise, you see an American in a German uniform. You don’t get the emotional connection that Tom Cruise The German has suffered the atrocities of Hitler’s regime.
That said, the carrying out of the assassination attempt is extremely well-done. Bryan Singer is able to create tension out of thin air. We know the ending to this story, yet there’s a building sense that maybe they actually pulled it off. It only takes a few hesitations and loyalty oaths to unravel the whole thing. The acting is top-notch, despite the lack of German actors. Everyone effectively carries out their duties of looking extremely concerned and fearful. Any cast with Kenneth Branagh, Terence Stamp, Tom Wilkinson, and Bill Nighy is sure to nail that.
Valkyrie’s heart lies in the fact that most Germans know the end is near. They can sense that Germany will lose the war and Hitler will be killed, and it’s probably going to happen soon. In fact, it does, 9 months later. Despite this, they still risk their lives to kill Hitler, showing the world that not all Germans are evil (and also to negotiate a better peace deal). It’s admirable and courageous, a story that deserves being told. Unfortunately, Valkyrie is simply a good thriller starring Tom Cruise; not a moving tribute to the unsung heroes who tried to bring down Nazi Germany from the inside.
I wrote and directed this Christmas short a few years ago. It’s always nice to bring it out this time of year. Merry Christmas everyone, hope you all get a Boba Fett hoodie!
The Wrestler is essentially the story of ’80s wrestling superstar Jake”The Snake Roberts”. If you’ve seen the documentary Beyond The Mat, (if you haven’t, you should), Randy “The Ram” Robinson’s story will sound very familiar. Back in the ’80s at the height of professional wrestling, The Ram was on top of the world. Bigger than Hogan, if Hogan existed in the reality of this movie. He held the spotlight and probably never thought it would end. It’s a common problem with professional wrestlers. They never know when to retire. Some of them can prolong it successfully, such as Hogan or Ric Flair. Others, like Jake the Snake, Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect, and countless others, either die early or struggle to perform in front of 100 people, but continue to do so because it’s all they know. The Wrestler captures that feeling perfectly, and it’s heartbreaking. The Ram is washed up, putting his body on the line for 60 bucks a show, but he still garners respect in the small dressing rooms of house shows and that’s all he needs.
There’s a meticulous attention to detail about the wrestling that makes this movie 100% believable. I was a hardcore wrestling fan until 2002 (merger of WWF/WCW) and to say I was obsessed would be a gross miscalculation. Wrestling fans don’t get a lot of movies based around their sport, and when they do, it’s a marketing scam like Ready To Rumble. But we finally get our Spider-Man of wrestling. A movie that respects the genre and treats it correctly. The Ram headlining a house show in a gymnasium filled to capacity with 120 people. The “inside” look at wrestling, down to the choreography of the matches and the in-ring chatter. It’s all very authentic and pulls you into this insane world where a man will subject his body to thumb tacks, barbed wire, broken glass, and staple guns just to hear the applause of a handful of people.
The only complaint about realism I have is that The Ram pulls off ridiculous moves for a heavyweight, especially at his age. Ever see Hogan do a hurricarana? How about a frog splash? With moves like that, you wonder why The Ram wasn’t brought back to the big leagues. As the movie progresses, you realize even if he had the chance, he’d probably screw it up.
But enough about the wrestling.
Hit that there jump to read the rest of the review.
Well, looks like my Hellboy II offer from Sticky Floor Friday is safe. I just found this article at Yahoo! Movies (courtesy of /Film), proclaiming that Delgo had the worst wide release opening EVER, edging out the parking garage horror movie P2 and the sports sequel horror movie Major League: Back to the Minors. It averaged $237 per theater, which according to the article, comes out to 2 people per theater. That’s one less than when I saw Punisher War Zone! Looks like I won’t be seeing any ticket stubs for this movie.
Frost/Nixon plays out a lot like a sports movie for wannabe journalists. It’s got a scrappy, overmatched underdog, a powerful, unbeatable opponent, and even a training montage. But it also bears some of the worst aspects of sports movies, including an abundance of crowd reaction shots and the same unbelievability of a really bad team taking down a giant. Luckily, they’ve got a secret weapon, and his name is Langella.
Much of the movie is spent setting up David Frost as the wrong man for the job; a playboy talk show host with more interest in ratings than politics. His interest in Nixon is purely of the sideshow circus freak variety. He has no concern for getting an admission of guilt from the former president. He just wants to entertain. It’s the reason Nixon agrees to the interview. It’ll be a cake walk and he can restore his dignity! It’s the exact plot of Mystery, Alaska, but with words replacing hockey.
The story, as directed by Ron Howard, seems a little confused at times. It’s a narrative film interrupted at key moments by a faux-documentary style with the characters breaking the fourth wall and giving interviews to camera. They essentially get on camera to tell you what you’re supposed to think. “Man, Nixon really won the first interview.” Thanks for that, talking head. How about you show us instead?? There’s something really awkward about it because they’re playing the exact same age as they are in the movie, yet somehow they have all this perspective on the situation. It takes away precious time from the core of the movie — the interviews.
Click on the unnecessary jump to read the rest of the review.
