It was just announced that Peter Berg, coming off the success of Hancock, will direct a new Hercules movie. I’m gonna go on record and say this is a mistake. It would be impossible to live up to the standards set by all previous Hercules movies and TV shows. Think about the greats who have filled the sandals of the mighty Herc! Luckily, with the wonders of YouTube, you don’t have to think about it, just take a look:

Hercules fights a bear in Central Park!

Hercules Throws A Bear Into Outer Space!

He may not have thrown a bear, but oh my god he did this:

Quite a legacy to live up to. An English-challenged, bear-fightin’, banjo jammin’ Greek hero. Good luck, Peter Berg!

Okay. The Dark Knight is coming. I get it. Comparisons to the other Batmovies will inevitably come up, which means jokes about Batman And Robin aren’t far behind. But please. Can we all just agree to stop making “Nipples on the Batsuit” jokes? I was scrolling through a Peter Travers retrospective on Rollingstone.com, where he casually mentions Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher, and feels the need to add a parenthetical reference to the infamous milk dispensers:

If Tim Burton lifted the DC Comics franchise to gothic splendor and Joel Schumacher buried it in campy overkill (George Clooney’s Batsuit had nipples), then Bale and director Christopher Nolan — the mind-teasing whiz behind Memento and Insomnia — deserve credit for resurrecting Batman as Bruce Wayne

The problem here is that the nipple joke is the automatic go-to for a Batman and Robin joke. It’s just that I’ve heard it 9000 times since 1997. Even I’m not above a nip slip, as evidenced in my “Five Worst Comic Book Movies” post where I wrote: “If you ever wanted a manual on how to kill a successful movie franchise, B&R gives it to you the step by step (Step One: Put Nipples On Everything).” But dammit folks, we’ve got to band together! We’re better than this! I get it. There are so many horrible things in Batman and Robin, it’s easy to point to to one, er, two perky problems (and maybe even give them a little tickle): Nipples on the Batsuit. Sadly, there are 30 other reasons why that movie sucks, and they all come before nipples.

It’s kind of shocking that nerds never had a problem with Superman wearing skin-tight, form-fitting, package-accentuating tights, but they’ll get all up in arms about a couple of bumps on plastic. There seems to be a displacement of homophobia here. Shouldn’t you also be mad at the X-Men, who could be construed as an allegory for homosexuality? Are you still in denial about how Sam and Frodo kept warm on the trek to Mordor?

Anyway, let’s just all acknowledge that yes, there were nipples on the Batsuit, and no, it doesn’t need to be brought up every single time Schumacher-era Batman is talked about. Instead, why not talk about Robin? What a homo!

Okay. The Dark Knight is coming. I get it. Comparisons to the other Batmovies will inevitably come up, which means jokes about Batman And Robin aren’t far behind. But please. Can we all just agree to stop making “Nipples on the Batsuit” jokes? I was scrolling through a Peter Travers retrospective on Rollingstone.com, where he casually mentions Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher, and feels the need to add a parenthetical reference to the infamous milk dispensers:

If Tim Burton lifted the DC Comics franchise to gothic splendor and Joel Schumacher buried it in campy overkill (George Clooney’s Batsuit had nipples), then Bale and director Christopher Nolan — the mind-teasing whiz behind Memento and Insomnia — deserve credit for resurrecting Batman as Bruce Wayne

The problem here is that the nipple joke is the automatic go-to for a Batman and Robin joke. It’s just that I’ve heard it 9000 times since 1997. Even I’m not above a nip slip, as evidenced in my “Five Worst Comic Book Movies” post where I wrote: “If you ever wanted a manual on how to kill a successful movie franchise, B&R gives it to you the step by step (Step One: Put Nipples On Everything).” But dammit folks, we’ve got to band together! We’re better than this! I get it. There are so many horrible things in Batman and Robin, it’s easy to point to to one, er, two perky problems (and maybe even give them a little tickle): Nipples on the Batsuit. Sadly, there are 30 other reasons why that movie sucks, and they all come before nipples.

It’s kind of shocking that nerds never had a problem with Superman wearing skin-tight, form-fitting, package-accentuating tights, but they’ll get all up in arms about a couple of bumps on plastic. There seems to be a displacement of homophobia here. Shouldn’t you also be mad at the X-Men, who could be construed as an allegory for homosexuality? Are you still in denial about how Sam and Frodo kept warm on the trek to Mordor?

Anyway, let’s just all acknowledge that yes, there were nipples on the Batsuit, and no, it doesn’t need to be brought up every single time Schumacher-era Batman is talked about. Instead, why not talk about Robin? What a homo!

The Hollywood Reporter has finally confirmed what bloggers have been shooting their blogwads over: Inglorious Bastards is officially in production. Anyone who’s a fan of Tarantino knows this is one of those projects he’s been talking about since, like, Pulp Fiction. Inglorious is a WWII-era Tarantino movie. Just imagine what that would be like! Over the years, there’s been a revolving door of actors Tarantino has said he wants in the movie (including Sly Stallone, Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, and, I don’t know, let’s just say Cuba Gooding Jr. as the token “Tarantino career-revival recipient”). Well, none of those actors are involved, and it was essentially QT talking his usual bullshit. By the way, I did just call him QT, but only because the one time I met him (in a brief, gotta-brush-this-guy-off encounter), he was actually wearing his own Grindhouse T-Shirt with a QT/RR (Robert Rodriguez) logo on the back. Who wears a shirt with their own name on it?? Q-Fuckin-T, that’s who.

Anyway, the fact that this movie is finally being put in motion is great news for everyone on the planet. Tarantino is one of the great directors of our time, but he always seems sidetracked by his own obsessions, using his immense talents for material that doesn’t really deserve the Tarantino treatment. A movie about a murderous stuntman? Uh, sure. Death Proof is a genuinely fantastic movie, making Rodriguez and Planet Terror look utterly ridiculous in the process. My friends and I always joke that Rodriguez was like, “Hey, Q, let’s make a grindhouse movie. We’ll intentionally make terrible movies and run them back to back!” Then Tarantino went off and actually made a good movie, pissing off Rodriguez. “Dammit Quentin, I thought we were going to have bad acting and fake missing reels! You didn’t tell me you got Kurt Russell!”

With Inglorious Bastards, he has a chance to get back on track and make a real film, not just an homage to a long-dead genre. I have to be careful though, because Kill Bill was just as homage-y as Death Proof, and Kill Bill Volume 2 just recently overtook Pulp Fiction as my favorite Tarantino movie. Having just seen it again a few days ago, I’m convinced it’s his best. There’s such a deliberate pacing to that movie. I can only describe it as speeding towards a conclusion, but in no particular hurry. We get long blocks of fascinating dialogue that inform us about each character without feeling long-winded and expository, and each scene adds layers of complexity to the final showdown. He’s got the confidence to end the movie with a half hour of conversation, and 12 seconds of a fight that’s been building up for 3.5 hours. Sure, he gets sidetracked easily, but you can’t deny that when he delivers, he delivers big.

Tarantino has such a handle on his craft that sometimes it’s frustrating to hear him talk about all the strange tangents he wants to take his filmmaking. But I don’t feel like he’s ever let me down with a movie. Yes, even Death Proof, which I find strangely addicting. Now that we’re finally seeing a long-discussed project come to life, I’m confident his best years are ahead of him. And come next May, when he promises the movie will be finished, I have a feeling Inglorious Bastards will be wrestling with Kill Bill for that top spot.

Hm. This is some weird news. You may have heard that Guy Ritchie is preparing to reboot Sherlock Holmes, but Variety is now reporting a SECOND Sherlock Holmes, spun as a comedy reuniting Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell. It is, of course, being produced by Judd Apatow. Cohen will play Sherlock Holmes and Ferrell will play Watson. I really have no idea what to think of this. I wouldn’t call this inspired casting, because it just seems like they’re throwing together two funny guys in a genre/franchise that doesn’t fit them at all. Then again, it could surprise, although I’d much rather see them play original characters. What exactly will make this a Sherlock Holmes movie? Will Ferrell doesn’t seem like a Watson at all. And what’s up with Ferrell’s attraction to remakes/reboots? It just seems like a waste of his talent. Look at this list of movies he’s done: Curious George, The Producers, Land of the Lost, Bewitched, Starsky and Hutch, and now Sherlock Holmes. That’s a long, uninspired string of films. It would be fairly elementary to assume Holmes will be added to that list.

Hey all, Sorry for the lack of updates. I was stuck in a cabin in West Virginia with no internet access. Sticky Floor Friday will be up tonight…with a special guest!

I think it’s unanimous that the summer’s biggest flop so far has been Speed Racer. It failed right out of the gate, grabbing only $18 million its first weekend. For a movie that cost $120 million to make, that’s like paying a hooker for a blowjob but getting a punch in the nuts instead. I happened to stop by Box Office Mojo today to check out the daily box office for Monday, and happened to scroll down way past the top 10, beyond the top 15, and into “dollar discount and indie movie” territory. What did I find? Speed Racer at number 19, pulling in a whopping $16,000 on Monday. Now, I know no one goes by what movies make during the week, only between the precious Friday to Sunday slot, but this is more symbolic than anything. Take a look at the movie positioned directly above Speed Racer.

That’s right. JUMPER! A movie already out on DVD! Talk about a punch in the nuts. Hell, Speed Racer only made about $5 million more than Harold and Kumar, which literally cost 1/10 the budget. What does this monumental failure mean? Have the Wachowskis directed their last movie? Would anyone be willing to give them a big budget after the triple threat (creative) failure of Matrix Reloaded, Matrix Revolutions, and now Speed Racer? Will it make studios more hesitant to adapt long-dead properties for profit? Unfortunately, the answer is most likely no. There are enough long-dead properties making money that Speed Racer will simply be forgotten. And I’m sure the Wachowski’s will convince someone that they have one brilliant idea left.

So what went wrong? Personally, I think they had one great idea in The Matrix, stretched it out through two awful sequels, and lost all good will among fans. The Speed Racer brand wasn’t as strong as say, Indiana Jones or any Comic Book Movie, and couldn’t bring people to theaters. And finally, it was marketed as a family movie, but the trailers were confusing. Kids didn’t know who Speed Racer was, and parents didn’t want to re-live an acid trip in the theater. I don’t like to revel in movies that fail, but it’s fascinating when something goes catastrophically wrong, which is why I’m keeping a keen eye on The Love Guru.

George Carlin is my favorite comedian of all time. I was sad to hear the news this morning. I thank him for contributing greatly to my love of words. Without Carlin, this site very well might have been nerd.com.

Hollywood Reporter has given me a lead in my ongoing “Where’s Rick Moranis?” quest. He’s apparently resurfacing with Dave Thomas for “The Animated Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie,” which, as you can guess, is a cartoon that will only feature Moranis’s VOICE! Ah! So close, yet so far away. They’ll be reprising their classic characters most famous from SCTV and the classic Strange Brew. Fox has picked up the series, but keep in mind, they’ve been trying to make the Bob and Doug cartoon for a long time (since 2003, according to IMDB).

Anyway, all of this is a roundabout way of saying the search for Moranis continues. Since his last five projects have been animated, I took the liberty of offering up my own artist’s rendering of what he looks like today. Will we ever see a live action Rick Moranis again? Can someone please find the Gatekeeper!

Stan Winston passed away Sunday night. If you don’t recognize his name, you definitely know his work. He’s responsible for some of the greatest characters in film history. Here are just a few of the movies that Stan Winston made possible with his amazing FX work: Terminator, Terminator 2, Aliens, Jurassic Park, Predator. His makeup/practical effects are the reason people complain CG isn’t as good as the real thing. Thanks for all your movie magic, Mr. Winston.