Snickt!

Another movie in the “Homeless Drama” genre: With Honors.

Yep. Brain. Liquified.

I think it’s safe to say whatever expectations you had for Crank: High Voltage, (whether you loved the original or hated it) will be exceeded. Excessively. It’s a sloppy mess with a kitchen-sink mentality that takes every idea from the original and blows it up tenfold. This was never a movie franchise about subtlety, but somehow Crank 2 makes the original’s pace seem like a leisurely stroll in the park. Happily suffering from a severe case of ADD in plot, style, and character development Crank 2 amps up every aspect of the original to the point where it’s almost unrecognizable. The filmmakers Neveldine/Taylor understood the appeal of the original and realized their core audience would probably go along with anything, including elbow sushi and rear entry with an oiled-up shotgun. They’ve also employed a number of really inventive camera tricks. Instead of feeling gimmicky, the creativity actually contributes to the film’s frenetic style. To quote a character in the movie, “This is new and exciting.”

High Voltage makes no apologies for what it is. It doesn’t try to be anything other than a shocking thrill ride. The rules are set up from the first frame, when Chev Chelios comes crashing to the ground…AND LIVES! Immediately, you can just throw out any notions of reality and just enjoy the twisted trip. During this journey you will see the aforementioned anal violation, crotch crushing via bicycle wheel, horse track sex, grandma rubbing, de-nipplefication, and a bunch of other stuff I don’t want to spoil. Suffice to say, despite these acts sounding offensive, they come across so cartoonish and over-the-top, the only logical reaction is laughter.

Several characters from the original get expanded roles in the sequel. Dwight Yoakam’s character is more proactive, and also carefully demonstrates his love of ass. Amy Smart also gets a boost of adrenaline, ditching the loopy stoner persona (and most of her clothes) from the original to become an ass-kicking exhibitionist. And star Jason Statham is really given the chance to go all-out and embrace the insanity. He’s got some great little moments, like when he’s trying to rub up on a guy for static electricity. Of course, he’s also got not-so-little moments, like when he sprays bodies full of lead while spouting off weird one-liners like, “Chicken. And broccoli.” Still love him with all my heart.

Now, onto plot. Chev’s heart has become the stuff of legend, and now it’s sought by Poon Dong, a decrepit old man who really just wants a new heart so he can get laid. After a less-than-professional heart transplant, Chev’s body now runs on a battery powered ticker. The only way to stay alive is to electrify himself when the script calls for it. That’s the basic premise of the whole movie, which makes it surprising that there are no less than four main villains during the course of the 86 minute ride. At times things get needlessly complicated, with each bad guy answering to another, until they run out of characters and just start bringing back body parts of Chev’s previously murdered adversaries.

Some new characters are unnecessary and just fill the screen with more crazy shit. Corey Haim’s character seems to exists only because he’s Corey Haim, and considering the directors wanted him in the first one but couldn’t secure him, that’s probably true. He gets two scenes and then he’s never heard from again. Bai Ling has a pretty big role, and is the one character you kinda wish would actually die when she’s supposed to. Her shtick is funny at first, but wears thin quickly. Efren Ramirez returns, playing the twin brother of his character from Crank. To make him different, they give him full body tourettes. And unfortunately, the idea of full body tourettes is funnier in theory than in practice. Clifton Collins Jr. also plays a brother of someone from the original, and his performance sticks out for being TOO over-the-top, which is really hard to do in a Crank movie.

The clutter of extra characters doesn’t really slow the movie down. If anything, it adds to the disorienting nature, because every few minutes we’re introduced to someone new. The same can’t be said for a few diversions from the story that feel like filler. There’s an extended scene towards the end that depicts Chev as an unruly child on a talk show, and instead of being funny, it slows down the momentum. If there were ever a movie that didn’t need back story, it’s Crank. You would think for a movie with so many enemies for Chev Chelios to creatively dispatch, they’d be able to pad out the 86 minute running time without so much as a minute of fluff.

Then again, isn’t that what Crank is all about? Fast-paced, outlandish, expletive-inducing fluff? I can’t believe I’m reviewing this seriously, talking about plot and character development. What’s wrong with me?!! Let’s get to the hyperbole already! Crank: High Voltage is a jolt to your nuts, a fever dream of fucked-up action, a crack hit laced with tits and guns.* Go see it!

*By the way, these quotes are all available for use on the DVD cover.

CHEV CHELIOS!!!!!

I think this week’s anger caused a cowlick to pop up in the back of my head.

You can watch any Internet Movie Show you want, as long as it’s Sticky Floor Friday.

Potent Quotables
“He is disagreeable and he has irritated me.”
“Fine chariot, but where is your horses?”
“Ifdjsaoigrajeobn oasdogasdg” (unintelligible line, occurs often)
“My name is Hercules.”

Body Count
0, but he does battle a man in a bear suit.

Unintentional Comedy Scale
8 out of 10

When doing a retrospective, often the best place to start is at the beginning. That is not the case with Arnold. His first movie, Hercules In New York, actually comes close to not even being a Schwarzenegger film. First, he goes under the stage name “Arnold Strong Mr. Universe,” and second, his voice was dubbed in the original release. Luckily for me, the DVD release restores Arnold’s original dialogue, and I can’t imagine getting through this movie without it. Every single line Arnold utters displays a total failure of the English language, making every single line infinitely quotable. Even simple stuff like “I am Hercules” comes out as “I um Her-Cuh-Leeees.” The sad thing is, this must have been the line he mastered best, because he says it about 15 times throughout the movie.

The story is kept simple by simply being non-existent. Hercules is kind of a loose cannon. He wants to hang out on Earth instead of Mount Olympus. And who can blame him? The Mount Olympus in this movie looks like a neglected park in New York populated with a bunch of off-off-off Broadway theater actors. So Zeus banishes Hercules to Earth. He lands in the ocean, gets picked up by sailors, beats up the sailors, meets up with a pretzel salesman (but doesn’t beat him up), goes to Central Park, beats up a cabbie and rolls over his cab, meets a pretty lady, beats up her boyfriend, beats up a man in a bear suit, becomes a wrestler, gets robbed of his strength during a televised weight lifting contest, and rides a chariot through Times Square.

After writing all that, “wrestles a man in a bear suit” doesn’t seem so far fetched. Click on the pic to witness the epic battle:

In all honesty, Hercules In New York is a marvel to behold, if only to see how far Arnold has come. The comedy stems entirely from his awkwardness and the action consists of him grabbing people and rolling around on the ground. It’s hard to imagine a few years later the Austrian Oak would become a box office behemoth, but watching this movie is a powerful reminder that Arnold truly achieved the American Dream. Anyone who can salvage their career after making Hercules In New York has the will of the gods behind him.

Next up…Stay Hungry. The only movie I’ve never seen with Arnold in a featured role. He even won a Golden Globe for his performance!

Yeah. This movie shocked me.

Yeah. This movie shocked me.