Kevin James squeaked out another box office victory this weekend, taking down the Beckinsale-less Underworld and getting little resistance from Brendan Fraser and Inkheart. I think it’s safe to assume that children’s fantasy movies not named Harry are dead. This is at least the 7th one to fail in the past couple years (City Of Ember, Golden Compass, Prince Caspian, Nim’s Island, Spiderwick Chronicles, The Last Mimsy, The Seeker ). Is it the quality of the movies, or do kids today not want to journey to fantastical lands anymore? Or maybe they’re all flocking to Paul Blart instead. This is a Happy Madison production, but it’s not making Strange Wilderness money. It’s making Sandler money! (And getting Sandler-level reviews. It’s a 27% on Rotten Tomatoes.) Probably seems like comedy gold to 13-year-olds. Moustache + Segway + fat jokes = Box Office Bonanza.
Revelation #2: God Created Blu-Ray So We Could Watch Rambo Shred Bodies In HD.
My buddy brought over his Blu-Ray player this weekend so I could see the quality on my TV and determine if it’s worth the purchase. Our first experiment was with Rambo, an extremely bloody movie any way you look at it, but when that carnage is transferred to Blu-Ray it becomes something so much more. It’s a detailed symphony of flying body parts. Individual pieces of intestine can be seen flying across the screen! I never thought I’d be able to see what Burmese pirates ate for lunch earlier that day (Chicken Parmesan, I believe). Also, it’s fun to watch Rambo walk for 4 miles during the end credits. So is it worth the purchase? After you witness Rambo, buying a Blu-Ray’s as easy as breathing.
Revelation #3: I Have Seen Pluto Nash
I’m still alive. You’ll see how it went this week.
Did you really want to see me struggle through a third Underworld and a movie about Brendan Fraser reading a book to kids? Well, maybe, but I’m taking the week off from Sticky Floor Friday in preparation for Nerd Torture. That’s right, sometime over the weekend I’ll be enduring The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and you’ll get to see the results this week. Awesome!
Well, the nominations are out. A few surprises there. Robert Downey Jr. was actually nominated for an Oscar because of Tropic Thunder. Even though he won’t win (Heath Ledger also nominated), it’s pretty awesome. It’s so rare for the Academy to acknowledge comedic performances. Click the stupid jump to see the highlights with my thoughts:
The tagline of this site is Nerd-Filtered Pop Culture. I consider this not only a place to celebrate great movies, but also a prevention device for anyone looking to avoid really awful ones. Unfortunately, the only way to fulfill that obligation 100% is to actually see the movies myself. Which means my life is about to get a whole lot worse. I plan on intentionally watching awful movies and documenting the experience. Nerd Torture. Remember when I watched Southland Tales? It’s like that times 1000. But there’s a twist.
Instead of me picking and choosing, I’m going to throw it out to you guys to decide what awful, awful movies I watch. The only criteria is that I haven’t seen it before. Maybe you’ve had to struggle through a bad movie and want me to share in the pain. Perhaps you’ve heard of something being so bad you would never watch it yourself, but might enjoy watching someone else watch it in agony. There are no limits. Comedy, drama, horror, dramedy, Delgo. Bring it on. Submit your suggestions in the comments below, and I’ll randomly pull from a Darth Vader helmet.
I caught up on a lot of bad movies between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. This is a document of those movies.
Revelation #1: There Really Aren’t Any Good New Year’s Movies.
Remember that movie Strange Days? Written by James Cameron, starring Ralph Fiennes? Okay, you probably don’t. I don’t remember much about it either, except for some virtual reality stuff with Juliette Lewis. (Wow, remember the “virtual reality” craze in movies? Lawnmower Man 2 and Virtuosity come to mind immediately. And immediately give me a headache). I also remember Strange Days took place on New Year’s Eve. And I’m having a difficult time remembering another movie that takes place on New Year’s Eve. Am I just missing a really big one, probably titled New Year’s Eve and starring Pacino, Stallone, Darryl Hannah, Dudley Moore, and Patrick Swayze? Probably not.
Revelation #2: Mamma Mia! is easily the most embarrassing career move anyone in that movie has ever made.
Yes, I mentioned this in my prior post. I was forced to watch Mamma Mia! over the Christmas break. The Dad With Words threatened to take back my David Lynch box set. When presented with this horrifying situation, I reverted to the old standby — “It’s for research.” Then, I slogged through the depths of hell for two hours so I could come back and write about it here. So, yes. I did see Mamma Mia! and I can safely presume it’s the lowest I’ll ever see Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgard go. Don’t believe me? I’ve got PROOF!
That’s James FREAKING Bond there, kids. James. Freaking. Bond. The only positive thing about Mamma Mia! is that I learned I’m better than Pierce Brosnan at something — singing. I’m not saying I’m a talented singer. I’m saying an emphysema sufferer coughing the lyrics to “Dancing Queen” might sound more appealing than Mr. Bond.
I’ve also never seen a film jammed with ridiculously happy people. Every single person in the movie is smiling, and even when there’s an issue they need to confront, they’re still smiling away. No one ever stops smiling, probably for fear that once they do, the heavy weight of this awful, awful movie will come crashing down, sending them into a spiraling depression.
Revelation #3: Eagle Eye. More Like Ehhgle Eye.
I like DJ Caruso. I thought Disturbia was a tidy little entertaining package. Eagle Eye approaches its story in the same manner, but I wasn’t nearly as pleased once the credits rolled. Oddly enough, Disturbia is an updated teen version of Rear Window, but it actually felt more fresh than Eagle Eye, an original film based off an original Spielberg idea. If you saw Enemy of the State ten years ago, or my post on “paranoid thrillers,” you know exactly what to expect here, except with 12 more car chases and a touch of predictable science fiction.
Revelation #4: The House Bunny is not a good movie. Anna Faris is hilarious. Therefore, Anna Faris is impervious to bad movies.
It pains me to not be able to dropkick The House Bunny into the dirt. If this movie starred anyone but Anna Faris, it would be just another cookie cutter college movie; losers become popular, then learn a lesson about popularity. Oh, and they save their sorority in the process. The supporting cast is weak (Colin Hanks could have easily been played by a cardboard cutout with a bewildered look on its face), the plot twists are unnecessary (Isn’t it funnier to think Hef kicked out a bunny because she’s old, not because another Playmate was scheming to get the centerfold?), and any joke not delivered by Anna Faris lands awkwardly on the ground and breaks its leg (coincidentally, where the funny bone is located). But this movie has two things going for it. First, Anna Faris is extremely funny. Her timing and delivery elevate the terrible material to undeserving levels. Her offbeat humor, like saying everyone’s name in a deep growl for no reason when she first meets them, adds an unexpected element to her character. And second, Anna Faris is dressed like this for an hour and a half:
Revelation #5: Zodiac. Finally, a movie I liked!
After seeing Benjamin Button, I felt I had to finally get around to watching David Fincher’s previous film, Zodiac. It had been in my Netflix queue for months, and when it finally arrived, it sat on my coffee table for a few more months, the dreaded running time (2 hours, 37 minutes) mocking me every time I sat down. That’s one of several 150+ minute movies I’ve sent back to Netflix unwatched. So when I was walking through Blockbuster a few days ago, disgusted at myself for how many of the movies I’d already seen, I accidentally kicked a box over on the shelf behind me. It happened to be Zodiac. This movie is the definition of a procedural. It’s extremely thorough in documenting the obsession of the media and law enforcement and despite its running time, I felt like there was always something compelling happening. Anyone walking into this movie expecting a thriller had to be greatly disappointed. There are very few scenes of tension, and the biggest one seems out of place (Gyllenhall visiting the projectionist). I liked seeing how the pieces of the investigation fit together, from minor details of who called in a murder to how the authorities had to navigate the red tape just to get a simple search warrant. I’m not usually a procedural guy. But Zodiac interested me because it could have easily been made as a slasher/thriller/serial killer hunt, yet Fincher decided to labor on the tiny details and the movie benefits from it greatly. Plus, it’s got Robert Downey Jr.
