Only one major movie people will care about today.

The Dark Knight

Well here it is. The most overrated movie of all time. The Dark Knight shows up on DVD today and you can relive the boring spectacle riddled with plot holes and bad acting at your own risk. Me? I’ll be buying this…

Attack Girls’ Swim Team Versus The Undead!

Okay, I can’t keep that up. How dare I say unkind words about the Godfather II of comic book movies!* Everyone’s already seen The Dark Knight, some of us have seen it three times, and it only gets better with each viewing. Yes, there are a few suspensions of disbelief in the plot, but they are minimal compared to the visual and emotional scope achieved. If you haven’t seen The Dark Knight, it’s everything everyone says it is. If you have seen it, you’re probably the one telling people how freaking amazing it is. Heath Ledger = Oscar. That DVD box art = Awful.

*Can we put to rest the Godfather II comparisons now? ‘Cause right now that means the follow-up film to TDK will be the Godfather III of comic book movies. Can’t Spider-Man 3 just keep that title?

Punisher: War Zone is a fairly vile, irredeemable movie. I’m almost in shock it was directed by a woman. Within the first five minutes, Frank Castle has sliced off a man’s head, broken a woman’s neck, scalped a dude, and spun upside down on a chandelier showering bullets into henchman who are either really curious or are being pushed into the room against their will. If they just been patient and waited, Frank would have wasted his ammo on the gaudy vases and mirrors. They’re all guilty of something though, so it’s okay (Even the woman, who I imagine wasn’t at a mob dinner just for the pasta). There isn’t much to take away from the story or characters, except we learn that when Frank Castle punches someone in their face, their head explodes. It’s laughable, audacious, and poorly scripted. But guess what? I like when heads explode.

If you took all the effort The Dark Knight made to feel realistic and did the exact opposite, you’d end up with War Zone. It doesn’t take place in our world. The mobsters are more insulting to Italian Americans than an Olive Garden commercial, Jigsaw looks straight out of Dick Tracy, and Frank Castle can stroll through the city armed to the slicked-back hair with guns and grenades without anyone noticing. Even the actors treat the material like they’re delivering lines to the back of an auditorium, with one exception. Ray Stevenson makes for the best Punisher yet, at least physically. He doesn’t really say much, except when expressing his disdain for God. He barely even quips! It’s probably best that way, as Frank Castle has always let his weaponry do the talking. The character is treated like a shark; constantly moving and killing. He’s given maybe three humane moments, when remembering his slain family, regretting the accidental murder of an undercover cop, and protecting a little girl. They’re brief though, ’cause there are people to be punished.

And punished they are! Anyone who complained that previous Punishers were too light on the gore will get their fill. Here you will see every part of the body impaled, shot, stabbed, bitten, and exploded. The movie even ends on a joke about splattered brains! Sometimes violence happens for no reason, like when Frank and an FBI agent have an unarmed mob henchman in custody and Frank decides to blow his face off with a shotgun while holding a child. Or when he walks into Microchip’s apartment and finds his mom missing 3/4′s of her head. By the way, I was pleased to see Microchip finally portrayed, even if his chances of seeing screen time in a sequel are greatly diminished.

I can usually judge my enjoyment of a bad movie by how much I laugh during it. I laughed a lot during War Zone. It’s a violent comic book come to life and doesn’t try to be anything more. Once you realize that, the movie becomes pretty fun.

It’s weird to watch Punisher: War Zone just a few days before The Dark Knight comes to DVD. The Punisher and Batman aren’t too different from each other. They both seek vengeance for the murder of loved ones, both are seen as vigilantes punishing the wicked, and they both love black. The fundamental difference is that Frank Castle kills. And this difference might be the reason their movies are so different tonally. Batman has something to lose, and people can relate to that. He’s able to be put in a real-world context. A serious Punisher movie would lose people after the first frame. How can you justify a cold-blooded murderer running around your city, no matter whose side he’s on?

You can’t, which is why we cheer the fantasy of The Punisher popping heads like zits, then go on with the rest of our day!

Sometimes, your Saturday just needs a little Mandy Patinkin.

From the Mr. Show movie Run Ronnie Run.

It’s a naked, beautiful moment.

Oh, Statham.

Ooh, a new segment!

Hit the lame-ass jump to see the entire list, and debate away! Brick Tamland??

(more…)

Hi there. See my blank expression? See how I’m staring directly at you? Look at how straight this face is. I am deadly serious. I am…the Super Serious Movie Poster Face. And right now I’m all over billboards and movie theaters. It’s Oscar season, so I have to look extra serious. Look, here are a few of my friends, although they weren’t going for Oscars.

Seth Rogen likes us so much, he used us twice, although he’s decidedly less serious, therefore even less likely to get an Oscar.

And sometimes, the Super Serious Poster Face goes horribly, horribly wrong:

Thanks to Nicholas for the Button/Pounds connection.

Speed Racer is the movie equivalent of crack. On crack. In fact, it might even be too hyperactive for the ADD crowd. There’s a cut every two seconds, and when there isn’t a cut, the background is changing behind a character, or we’re given four different storylines, sometimes on the screen simultaneously. Regular two-shot conversations are replaced with heads wiping across the screen. The action scenes feel like a little kid taking Matchbox cars and ramming them together. And there are lots and lots of pretty colors. So…why did I actually like it?

The first 15 minutes alone are worth the price of admission — An introduction that jumps time and space, showing Speed as a little boy, then as a race car driver, then as a young boy again watching his brother race, then we follow his brother’s story, then we’re back to Speed as a race car driver, and Susan Sarandon shows up, and it’s all mashed together, establishing that there are no rules. And if the movie accidentally sets any rules, it will be sure to break them later. So many tricks are employed to keep your attention, it’s impossible not to be captivated by the breakneck storytelling speed. Even if you completely hate the style, you’ll be hard pressed to turn it off with all the crazy visuals unfolding in front of you. Like I said, crack. I’m not saying it’s good, but it’s so insane it demands you watch. At first. See, the problem with Speed Racer, as I guessed in Sticky Floor Friday, is that the movie is long. Wayyyy toooooo loooong. It comes in at 2 hours, 15 minutes. That’s at least 45 minutes too long, especially with the sugar-rush pace it holds. I was exhausted after a half hour, and there was still so much more to go.

The strange thing is, even though things happen so quickly, the story itself is fairly simple. Speed Racer is being wooed by a big time sponsor, but decides to stick with his father (John Goodman, looking a lot like Super Mario) and soon uncovers corruption within the racing world. Also, his brother died when he was a kid, and he is racing to avenge him. That’s it. I can’t really speak to the acting, because it’s one big scenery chew. You know, if they had scenery to chew on aside from green screens. All the tricks and colors are the Mach 5, the story and actors are just the track for it to drive on.

This movie accomplished its goal of being a live-action anime movie. It’s undeniably enthusiastic filmmaking, and for a while, that energy keeps you interested. It’s by no means a great movie, but it isn’t meant to be. It’s a big bag of M & Ms; Tasty, but if you eat them all, you’ll get sick.