Not Safe For Children! They should be looking at the parade right now!
There’s really only one way to celebrate Thanksgiving with the Nerd With Words, and that’s by watching the best thing Eli Roth has ever done – Thanksgiving, the fake movie trailer that was attached to Grindhouse. It’s got the best Voiceover I’ve ever heard, the most horrific use of a topless cheerleader and a trampoline, and a decapitated Eli Roth.
While listening to Chinese Democracy, I realized I may have found Axl Rose’s inspiration for the title track – the theme song to 90210! So I put it to the test. You be the judge!
Dammit! The more I see for Terminator, the more I like. Will I be forced to enjoy a McG movie?? Judging by that tagline (“The End Begins”), there’s still a chance I won’t. It’s way too similar to Matrix Revolutions (“Every Beginning Has An End”) and equally dumb.
This poster alone is pretty kick ass, but watch what happens when you click on it!
Wow. I’m shocked to actually be holding this in my hand. I was pretty sure this day would never come. Chinese Democracy has finally been released, roughly 14 years late. Was it worth the wait? Well, it’s hard to imagine anything is worth waiting 14 years for. Unless it involves Scarlet Johannsen. But upon first listen, Chinese Democracy is pretty damn good. Music has been missing this kind of bombastic wall of sound, so thick with guitars and shrieking vocals you’d think you were back in ’87. By the way, Axl Rose’s voice shows up fully intact. He’s still crushing those high notes, though I’d like his vocals to be a little more front and center. Sometimes they disappear behind three guitars and a symphony. It’s an amazing feat that these songs have seen the light of day, and even more amazing that they’re actually rocking my face off. I believe someone owes me a Dr. Pepper.
THE VERDICT: Love me some GNR. And you should too.
Hancock
The cover really seems to be playing down the whole “alcoholic superhero” angle, as do the TV spots they’ve been playing for the DVD release. Too bad. The cover also boasts that this is the “1 Disc Unrated Edition,” which has to be the first time a DVD was bragging about being only one disc. This shows up in my mailbox today courtesy of Netflix. I’ll give my verdict later.
THE VERDICT: JURY’S OUT
Fred Claus
I’m a sucker for Christmas movies. But not this one. Oh god not this one. Ludacris plays an elf through the magic of CG. That’s all you need to know to understand the level of quality we’re dealing with here. This movie is miserable.
THE VERDICT: Despite the presence of Frank Stallone, stay far, far away.
Freaks And Geeks
If you haven’t seen this series yet, here’s a brand new reason to discover it. I have no idea what’s different about this version and the older release, but it does give me an excuse to tell you this is required viewing for everyone who enjoys anything. Oh, how I envy those who get to discover Bill dressed up as Bionic Woman.
Wow. I’m shocked to actually be holding this in my hand. I was pretty sure this day would never come. Chinese Democracy has finally been released, roughly 14 years late. Was it worth the wait? Well, it’s hard to imagine anything is worth waiting 14 years for. Unless it involves Scarlet Johannsen. But upon first listen, Chinese Democracy is pretty damn good. Music has been missing this kind of bombastic wall of sound, so thick with guitars and shrieking vocals you’d think you were back in ’87. By the way, Axl Rose’s voice shows up fully intact. He’s still crushing those high notes, though I’d like his vocals to be a little more front and center. Sometimes they disappear behind three guitars and a symphony. It’s an amazing feat that these songs have seen the light of day, and even more amazing that they’re actually rocking my face off. I believe someone owes me a Dr. Pepper.
THE VERDICT: Love me some GNR. And you should too.
Hancock
The cover really seems to be playing down the whole “alcoholic superhero” angle, as do the TV spots they’ve been playing for the DVD release. Too bad. The cover also boasts that this is the “1 Disc Unrated Edition,” which has to be the first time a DVD was bragging about being only one disc. This shows up in my mailbox today courtesy of Netflix. I’ll give my verdict later.
THE VERDICT: JURY’S OUT
Fred Claus
I’m a sucker for Christmas movies. But not this one. Oh god not this one. Ludacris plays an elf through the magic of CG. That’s all you need to know to understand the level of quality we’re dealing with here. This movie is miserable.
THE VERDICT: Despite the presence of Frank Stallone, stay far, far away.
Freaks And Geeks
If you haven’t seen this series yet, here’s a brand new reason to discover it. I have no idea what’s different about this version and the older release, but it does give me an excuse to tell you this is required viewing for everyone who enjoys anything. Oh, how I envy those who get to discover Bill dressed up as Bionic Woman.
I just happened to stumble upon the Fanboys website a few minutes ago. Literally. One of my favorite Internet Boredom pastimes is clicking Stumble using the StumbleUpon toolbar, and this time, it just so happened to take me to the site of the Shot-Two-Years-Ago-But-Never-Released movie Fanboys, about a group of friends who try to sneak into Skywalker Ranch to steal a copy of Phantom Menace so their friend can see it before he dies. Anyway, the most noticeable thing I saw (besides the 40-Year-Old Virgin poster homage) was that there was an actual release date for this movie!
Now, if you know nothing about theFanboys drama, consider yourself lucky. It’s long, drawn-out, and involves many different re-shoots, re-edits, and release dates. There’s an abbreviated version on Wikipedia. Anyway, after 3 years, the movie will finally see the light of day on February 9th, 2009 and it’s essentially fan service to all the big time Star Wars nerds out there (i.e. Me). Hell, even the tagline is a SW reference. Anyway, this movie is also of interest because it involves the following people: Kristen Bell, Jay Baruchel, Carrie Fisher, Will Forte, Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Ray Park (Darth Maul), Craig Robinson, Seth Rogen, William Shatner, and Lando himself, Billy Dee Williams! I think it’s going to be strange to see all these people in a movie they shot 3 years ago. Surely their appearances have changed in that time. Of course, more interesting is the fact that this movie takes place before the prequels were released, in a time when Fanboys were less hate-filled, so I fully expect this movie to capture what it means to be a movie fan and not a movie site message board troll.
Oh, did I also mention it’s got Kristen Bell in a Leia Slave Outfit? ‘Cause it totally does!
Quantum of Solace is an hour and a half epilogue to Casino Royale, filled with every chase scene imaginable, including boats, planes, cars, feet, and a little moped. Between the chases is a story of revenge, international conspiracy, and piles of dead bodies. If you haven’t seen Casino Royale, you will most likely be lost during Quantum, and that has to be the first time that’s ever happened in a Bond movie. Usually you can jump in, enjoy the espionage and explosions, stare at the pretty ladies, and be on your way. It makes for a great bookend to Royale, but comes up just short of being an outright success as a sequel.
As a whole, Quantum accomplishes the impossible task of feeling both small scale and epic. The conspiracy Bond uncovers is grand in scale; An unknown organization (Quantum) with ties to everyone, even M’s long-time bodyguard, is stealing water and creating droughts for their own profit. They’re able to overthrow governments and still have time to all attend the Opera. It opens up the Bond world immeasurably, and also makes Bond that much cooler for uncovering it. At the same time, this is very much the story of James Bond dealing with grief and betrayal the only way he knows how. That’s the most important arc of this movie and it sometimes gets lots in the non-stop action. There’s little time to take a breathe. I’m not going to complain about non-stop action though, because the plane sequence and exploding hotel are pretty fantastic.
Hit the lame jump to read the rest of the review. (more…)
