If House of 1,000 Corpses was Rob Zombie’s awkward (and falsely titled) welcome party to the horror genre, then Devil’s Rejects is his reaction to there being no cake. Infinitely more interesting and bloody than House, Devil’s Rejects hearkens back to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a grimy, hyper-realistic story of truly deplorable characters lacking one single redeeming quality. Unless you’re a fan of their sadistic, F-ed up sense of humor. Actually, that’s kind of a requirement in order to enjoy this movie.
The story follows a family of serial killers from House of 1000 Corpses, on the run from an insane sheriff looking to avenge his brother’s death. Here’s a truly brutal movie where the main characters are actually the villains. They perform hideous acts on unsuspecting people (poor Brian Posehn!), including removing the face of a man and placing it on his wife. (See what I meant about sadistic sense of humor?) This movie is so beyond pitch black that even when it seems the poor woman has escaped certain death, she blindly runs into the middle of the road and gets liquefied by a truck. Yeah. It’s one of those movies. Hell, even the sheriff is out of his mind, so hell-bent on revenge that he’s willing to break every law in the book just to satisfy his own bloodlust.
Unlike Teeth or Final Destination 2, Devil’s Rejects is not a playful horror movie. It’s a sickening spectacle of violence that’ll make you want to shower after watching it. And probably most horrific of all, Devil’s Rejects will stick Free Bird in your head for the rest of the night. Despite this (or maybe because of it!), I completely recommend Rejects as a well-executed descent into madness that accomplishes the goal it sets out to do: make you cover your eyes in fear.
While writing about Devil’s Rejects, I found a website called Kids In Mind, which reviews movies for parents. Unsurprisingly, the movie scores a 10 in violence, gore, and profanity, but also offers the types of discussion topics parents can share with their children after watching the movie. They are: Family, mass murder, sexual abuse, mental illness, bestiality, fate, revenge, death of a sibling, vengeance, justice, sadism. I love that family is the first discussion topic to cover.
MUST-SEE MOMENT: I’d hate to call any moment in this movie must-see, because it says a lot about my own sick sense of humor, but the motel scene in which Otis and Baby Firefly hold a country band captive simply for their own amusement is probably the most effective sequence in the movie. Watching people beg for their lives, you get the sinking feeling that NOTHING they say will save them. Otis and Baby’s gleeful reactions to their pleas set up the dread and central fear of the movie — There is no reasoning with these killers.
If House of 1,000 Corpses was Rob Zombie’s awkward (and falsely titled) welcome party to the horror genre, then Devil’s Rejects is his reaction to there being no cake. Infinitely more interesting and bloody than House, Devil’s Rejects hearkens back to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a grimy, hyper-realistic story of truly deplorable characters lacking one single redeeming quality. Unless you’re a fan of their sadistic, F-ed up sense of humor. Actually, that’s kind of a requirement in order to enjoy this movie.
The story follows a family of serial killers from House of 1000 Corpses, on the run from an insane sheriff looking to avenge his brother’s death. Here’s a truly brutal movie where the main characters are actually the villains. They perform hideous acts on unsuspecting people (poor Brian Posehn!), including removing the face of a man and placing it on his wife. (See what I meant about sadistic sense of humor?) This movie is so beyond pitch black that even when it seems the poor woman has escaped certain death, she blindly runs into the middle of the road and gets liquefied by a truck. Yeah. It’s one of those movies. Hell, even the sheriff is out of his mind, so hell-bent on revenge that he’s willing to break every law in the book just to satisfy his own bloodlust.
Unlike Teeth or Final Destination 2, Devil’s Rejects is not a playful horror movie. It’s a sickening spectacle of violence that’ll make you want to shower after watching it. And probably most horrific of all, Devil’s Rejects will stick Free Bird in your head for the rest of the night. Despite this (or maybe because of it!), I completely recommend Rejects as a well-executed descent into madness that accomplishes the goal it sets out to do: make you cover your eyes in fear.
While writing about Devil’s Rejects, I found a website called Kids In Mind, which reviews movies for parents. Unsurprisingly, the movie scores a 10 in violence, gore, and profanity, but also offers the types of discussion topics parents can share with their children after watching the movie. They are: Family, mass murder, sexual abuse, mental illness, bestiality, fate, revenge, death of a sibling, vengeance, justice, sadism. I love that family is the first discussion topic to cover.
MUST-SEE MOMENT: I’d hate to call any moment in this movie must-see, because it says a lot about my own sick sense of humor, but the motel scene in which Otis and Baby Firefly hold a country band captive simply for their own amusement is probably the most effective sequence in the movie. Watching people beg for their lives, you get the sinking feeling that NOTHING they say will save them. Otis and Baby’s gleeful reactions to their pleas set up the dread and central fear of the movie — There is no reasoning with these killers.
Those two words should instill horror in all men. What could be more frightening to a man than the thought of being separated from his baby maker? That’s the basic premise of Teeth, a horror movie that will not only have men crossing their legs, but maybe even empower a few women.
Teeth is part horror, part comedy, and all sorts of crazy. At the center of the movie is repressed do-gooder Dawn. She wears a promise ring and holds pro-abstinence functions at her school, a perfect model for young high school girls. When her boyfriend doesn’t understand No Means No, something inside Dawn is unleashed — and it’s got teeth. The movie is a cautionary tale of teenage sexual angst, manifested as teeth inside Dawn’s lady parts. As Dawn tries to understand her own body, the dead bodies start piling up in increasingly gruesome fashion.
Teeth combines several genres, starting off as a teen comedy satire, then jumping the rails into horror territory until finally settling on the revenge genre. It sounds schizophrenic, and it is, but each genre is effective, and Jess Weixler is so strong in the lead role, you’ll have no problem going along for the ride. Seeing Dawn discover and harness her power is an interesting, and unsettling, journey with enough blood to satisfy gorehounds, enough female power to satisfy message-seekers, and enough detached penises to put a dildo factory out of business.
MUST-SEE MOMENT: When Dawn finally embraces her sexual power and unleashes it on her twisted brother, giving him a true taste of revenge and leaving the leftovers for the family pet.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The third biggest movie of the summer is finally out on DVD today, and I for one am excited to revisit Indy. I mean, look how excited I was before I saw the movie! Yes, this movie is flawed, but I was on board with most of the outrageous story because it was handled with sheer exuberance. It’s FUN to watch Indiana Jones and Mutt Williams get chased through campus. It’s FUN to see him battle Russians. It’s even FUN to watch them outrun killer ants. And while it does fall off the rails towards the end, everything leading up to it (yes, including the nuclear blast) is ENTERTAINING. It’s a ridiculous, preposterous movie that goes way beyond the storylines of previous Indy adventures. But isn’t that what a good adventure sequel should do?
THE VERDICT: Buy it unless you’re my brother John, who felt very much like Stan and Kyle did on South Park
Dance of the Dead
Haven’t seen this movie yet, but my friend George Feucht is the cinematographer. I’ve shot with him before and he’s a talented guy, I’m excited to see what he did with this cool little zombie flick.
THE VERDICT: If You’re Mad at George Lucas, Give This George a Shot Instead!
Alien-Predator Total Destruction Collection
Contains all the Alien, Predator, and AVP movies. At the behest of this box set, I would buy it, destroy Alien Vs. PredatorAliens Vs. Predator: Requiem, and maybe Alien3, and just enjoy the Alien and Predator franchises for the greatness they USED to be. By the way, I have a special fondness for Alien: Resurrection, which is why I haven’t ordered it destroyed. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Ron Perlman, swimming aliens, and aborted Ripley clones.
THE VERDICT: Kind of a neat package, but if you’re a fan of the Alien or Predator series, you probably own the essentials.
Revelation #1: What A Surprise; South Park Hated Indiana Jones
You had to see this coming, right? Well, maybe not all that man-rape, but definitely the hatred of Indy IV. South Park took some pretty heavy shots at Lucas and Spielberg in last week’s episode of South Park, having Lucas and Spielberg literally raping Indiana Jones (and a stormtrooper for good measure). Unfortunately, they didn’t give much in the way of specifics as to why they felt that way. There was a brief mention that Indy should not be chasing aliens and the fridge-nuking, but I was hoping for something we haven’t heard before. By the way, Indy comes out tomorrow on DVD, and I stand by my enjoyment of the movie. It’s no Raiders, but it’s also certainly not the abomination South Park made it out to be.
Revelation #2: Stop Playing Horror Movies, TNT!
Look, I appreciate that TNT is getting into the October Horror swing of things by showing Final Destination 1, 2, 3, Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and so forth, but you realize it’s like eating soy jerky. It looks similar to your favorite snack, but it’s missing all the delicious parts. All this is doing is making me fill up my Netflix queue with the R-rated versions of the movies, except for I Know What You Did, the first of many Scream knock-offs that flooded and watered down the genre to the point of drowning.
Revelation #3: Caddyshack is the perfect Saturday afternoon movie.
With Tiger Woods nowhere in sight on the golf tour, the only way to enjoy the world’s most boring sport is with a dash of Dangerfield. Caddyshack is a movie MADE for Saturday afternoons, just like National Lampoon’s Vacation.
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
Horror Subgenre: Lynchian Insanity
A good horror movie can be judged by whether you would A) watch it alone and B) with the lights out. At first glance, you wouldn’t expect Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me to be considered a horror movie. But trust me; I will NEVER watch this movie by myself in the dark. It has all the elements of a conventional horror film – mysterious serial killer, teens in trouble, a touch of the supernatural – but they’re employed in such mindbending, quirky ways, the movie transcends horror to become a character study of a flawed family.
I’ve been a huge fan of the TV series since it debuted in 1990. Heavy stuff for an 11-year-old, I know. I was captivated by the otherworldly elements and the quintessential performance of Kyle McLachlin as Agent Cooper. When the movie was released in ’92, I called around to every theater in my area to find it. By that time, the show had been canceled due to plummeting ratings and time shifts, and no one in Ohio was playing it. In fact, I remember one of the theater employees saying, “Twin Peaks? Isn’t that a TV show? We play movies here.” When it eventually came out on video, I picked it up and, despite being a die-hard fan, hated it. I think a lot of people felt the same way. I realize now I was too young to appreciate the themes Lynch was working with. The tone of the film is much heavier than the TV show, and it’s practically devoid of humor. Having perspective, I can appreciate the vision of Fire Walk With Me, and recognize it as a great horror film.
At the heart of it is Laura Palmer, the doomed protagonist whose life is a waking nightmare. Fire Walk With Me follows the last seven days of her life as she struggles to balance her Prom Queen image against a demanding father, drug addictions, and sex with many, many people. Everyone knows the fate of Laura Palmer. It was the main conceit of the TV show. That makes this movie that much more tragic, but it doesn’t unfold in conventional ways. The story is laid out in a surreal vision of midgets, monkeys, creamed corn, and creepy paintings. There’s a certain incoherence to every David Lynch movie that subconsciously plays with your perceptions, bathing the story in a sense of unease. You might not be to able to explain everything that’s happening, but you know it’s making you feel really weird. For instance, David Bowie is in this movie for one scene. And in that scene, he tells a story that really doesn’t make sense, then vanishes into thin air, never to be mentioned again. Huh? It’s irrelevant but effectively creepy.
This whole time and I haven’t even mentioned BOB the killer. Bob is essentially a metaphor for the evil that men do. He inhabits people’s souls and forces them to perform unspeakable acts, sometimes without their knowledge. This compounds the tragedy of the situation when you realize who Laura’s killer is, and adds a layer of complexity most horror movies lack. Before watching this movie, it helps to have knowledge of the TV series, particularly the first 17 episodes. If you’ve never seen the show, Fire Walk With Me is still an terrifying exercise in surreal horror as only David Lynch can do it.
Must-See Scene: The heart-wrenching finale which sets in motion the entire run of the television series. In the end, Laura Palmer’s is freed from a tragic life by allowing herself to be killed. It’s heartbreaking and horrific, yet somehow you leave the film with a sense of relief.
Final Destination 2
Horror Subgenre: Creative Kills
Often times, sequels are disappointing. ESPECIALLY horror sequels. It seems for every Evil Dead 2, there’s a Friday the 13thPart 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. But every once in a while, they rise up and become greater than their predecessor. Such is the case with Final Destination 2, a movie built upon the Horror Movie Money Shot: creative, ridiculous deaths. FD2 takes the premise of Final Destination – a group of people escape a tragedy, only to have death circle back and kill them in Rube Goldberg-esque ways – and cranks every aspect up to skull-crushing levels. It’s all set off by the most insane car wreck in movie history, which you can watch below if you’re up to it.
This movie is so insane, I can show you these two and a half minutes and be confident I’m not even ruining the best parts. Like The Thing, Final Destination 2 continually plays with your emotions. No one is safe. In fact, you know everyone will die. It’s built into the rules of the movie! You even know WHEN most of them will go. The true fun is seeing HOW.
Scenarios play out for minutes, setting the plan for a character’s death in motion by teasing the audience with several options, only to turn around and drop a plate glass window out of nowhere! Sometimes you’ll be relieved when someone bites it just so you can catch a breather, but then…holy shit where did that barbed-wire fence come from??
FD2 is a pleasant surprise that could have easily been a forgotten sequel. By upping the creativity, tension, and body count, Final Destination 2 is the perfect group horror movie. I’ve seen it many times, but I’ve yet to tire of its awesomeness.
MUST-SEE SCENE: The gruelingly drawn-out scene in which a character escapes a minimum of 7 opportunities for death in his apartment, starting with a grease fire, continuing with suffocation, followed by amputation, electrocution, explosion, a slip on spaghetti, and ending with a falling ladder. And even when you think you know when he’s going to die, you’ll still never see it coming.
By the way, anyone else notice the tag line for this movie in the poster above? Look familiar? Well, IT SHOULD!
Luckily, one of these movies surpasses its horrible tagline.
What do you get when you combine Kurt Russell in a frosty beard, a detached head that grows legs and runs around, and a spoonful of Wilford Brimley? You’ve got yourself a horror classic, my nerdy friends.
John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of my favorite horror movies of all time. Correction. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time. No qualifiers necessary. This movie is BAD ASS! I remember watching this with my dad when I was fairly young and impressionable. It left an indelible mark on me, punctuated by gruesome effects and a desolate, helpless location. Set in the remote Antarctic, The Thing follows a research team who discovers some, er, thing that starts to infect and destroy the crew one by one in horrific manners.
The genius of the movie is its approach to The Thing. No one’s quite sure what it is, if they’re infected, and what the effects will be. If provoked, the Thing will defend itself no matter what. If it takes over a human, it’s almost like an earthworm. It can survive in pieces or as a whole, so it reacts differently to each unique situation. Sometimes the head will detach from the body. Sometimes the head will split in half and grow teeth so it can munch on someone’s face.
As great as the effects are in The Thing, what sets it apart is the interaction of the crew, and the growing paranoia among them. Since no one knows who’s infected, it’s every man for himself. There’s a psychological game at play for each character, and part of the fun as a viewer is trying to figure out who will reveal themselves as The Thing. The other thing that sets it apart is its ending, which is memorable in its refusal to cop out. No false hope here, folks. If you’ve never seen The Thing, you owe it to yourself to check it out.
Must-See Moment: In an attempt to determine which crew member is The Thing, Kurt Russell draws blood from each person and jabs it with a hot wire. It’s a tense scene with clever misdirection about who’s infected. When the climax hits, it’s unexpected and quickly escalates to a horrific end for two crew members.
Here’s a movie that was quietly released in limited release last year, and deserves to be recognized for its greatness. Backed by the effects team at WETA, Peter Jackson’s studio that brought you the insane gore of Dead Alive,Black Sheep is a horror comedy about genetically engineered sheep who turn deadly. Yeah, that’s right. Killer sheep. This is the first movie I’ve ever seen that could make a single shot of a sheep simultaneously hilarious and chilling. Black Sheep takes an old school ’80s approach to horror: Start with an innocent idea and make it terrifying, throw in some practical effects of grotesque man-sheep abominations, and keep it campy.
The story revolves around Henry, a young man who is terrified of sheep due to a traumatic childhood experience. His worst fears are realized when he returns to the farm where he grew up to find his brother conducting experiments on the sheep, turning them into evil mutants. And if you’re not sold on the movie off that premise, there’s something wrong with you. The high points of Black Sheep lie in the special effects, which hearken back to Peter Jackson’s early movies like Bad Taste and Meet the Feebles. The mutant sheep are sickening but they’re anchored by a healthy dose of, pardon the pun, black humor. For instance, it’s revealed later that a key character is so interested in the sheep, he really gets to know one. Biblically. There’s also an activist character who frees a mutant lamb (which looks suspiciously similar to the rat monkey in Dead Alive), and it ends up chomping on his ear.
Must-See Moment: The Sheep Battle Inside The Truck. If you’ve never seen a sheep get its head rammed repeatedly into a steering wheel, then later, drive the truck over a cliff, now’s your chance!
