Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: The Incredible Hulk Was Incrediblah.
I loved the first hour of The Incredible Hulk. Ed Norton trying to control his rage, escaping danger on the rooftops of Brazil, seeking out a cure to his Jekyll and Hyde ailment. But once The Abomination started to take over the movie, my eyes glazed and my ears bled. Wall-to-wall CG action wrestles the movie away from Norton and turns it into a cartoon. There are times when Hulk looks believable. Usually in shadows. I know in this day and age there’s no other way to make The Hulk. People would be disappointed with a Hulk the size of Lou Ferrigno, but there’s gotta be a more effective way to present this creature. The most interesting part about The Hulk is Bruce Banner. Once he transforms, it’s just a lot of yelling and ruining of city property. The real problem came when Tony Stark showed up. Robert Downey Jr. just lights up the screen, and something’s wrong when a character from another movie shows up, and makes you wish that you were watching his movie instead.
Revelation #2: I Hereby Revoke My Matinee Recommendation of Strange Wilderness
Wow. I had low expectations for this movie, but thought perhaps I could find a hidden gem in the vein of Grandma’s Boy. What I found was something that barely resembled a movie. Did they lose a few pages of the script? Did they even have a script? The movie completely wastes Jonah Hill, who is flat-out awful in this movie. Not one thing he says is funny. There is no plot, simply a collection of scenes held together by fake nature movies. The main plot is wrapped up in the first hour, and we’re left with about 16 more minutes of nonsense before ending with a blooper. Literally. The movie ends with everyone breaking character and cracking up. I can admit when I was wrong. In the case of Strange Wilderness, I really had to suffer for that mistake.
Revelation #3: I Am Seriously Addicted To Dr. Mario
I’ve always loved Dr. Mario, but this is getting ridiculous. If you looked at my Wii Playing Time, it would resemble a time card. The outrageous hours I’ve played can be blamed on the inclusion of online play. You can battle people all over the world, and a rematch is as easy as clicking a button. It’s not unusual for me to play the same person over and over for a half hour straight. Somebody call for help. I haven’t seen the sun in three days. I dream about falling pills. The only people I’ve seen are Miis. My only interactions have been canned online responses such as “Good Game!” and “Ouch!” And after all these wasted hours, the only thing I’ve learned is that I’m not even that good.
Ominous! I’m now convinced this movie is going to be fanfreakintastic! And doesn’t that sound a LOT like Christopher Lee?? According to theforce.net, it very likely IS! Sweet!
Hooray! Wouldn’t it be great if all it took for someone to give you money to make a movie was to cut together a minute and a half trailer? I guess it helps to be Seth Rogen.
Jumper made a good chunk of change in theaters. I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s gotta be worth a slot on my Netflix queue. People jumping all over the world, battling for one reason or another? I’m in.
THE VERDICT: RENTAL!
The Rock: The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment
Back in the day, I was a HUGE wrestling fan. When it hit its peak around 1998-99, I was thoroughly obsessed, to the point where I could easily predict an entire match, move for move. Then WWF bought out WCW, and everything fell apart. Now, I’m lucky to watch more than an hour during a year. Of course, around 98-99, The Rock was also hitting his peak. And while I wasn’t a huge fan of WWF’s storylines at the time, I would always tune in to hear The Rock bust out a promo. So now the WWE is releasing a 3-disc compilation of The Rock’s best promos and matches, presumably to capitalize on the release of Get Smart. If you were a wrestling fan, this will be a great trip down memory lane, remembering when wrestling was fun to watch. If you’re not a wrestling fan, just watch the clip below and you’ll get the idea.
THE VERDICT: DO YOU LIKE MEN IN TIGHTS?
Weiners
What. The. Hell? Is this a sequel to Good Burger?
THE VERDICT: Seriously. WHAT. THE. HELL?
Out Of The Blue
Just like Weiners, I have no idea what this movie is about. But I had to include it for one reason: KARL URBAN MOUSTACHE!
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: Semi-Pro actually was 1/10 as funny as those Old Spice Commercials
Yes, it is enjoyable to hear Will Ferrell yell “Cocksucker!” numerous times, but Semi-Pro comes off as two completely separate movies. One movie stars Will Ferrell as a one-hit wonder musician turned basketball owner. He acts wacky, yells at people, and throws around nonsequiters in an attempt to get a laugh. The other movie stars Woody Harrelson as an aging basketball player destined to turn around an ABA team. He even gets his own generic “sports movie love story” for the audience to follow, which plays exactly like Jake Taylor’s relationship from Major League, except in Semi-Pro, the boyfriend is a big fan of his girlfriend’s ex. The two movies really have nothing to do with each other. In fact, everyone in the movie seems to be playing it fairly straight, with the exception of Will Ferrell. I don’t recall Woody Harrelson delivering one joke. The problem is, I’ve seen both movies presented in Semi-Pro. They’re called “Every Movie Will Ferrell Has Ever Made” and “Every Underdog Sports Movie Ever Made.” I’m probably being too harsh on it. When I watched the movie, I laughed a few times, especially at the obligatory announcer Dick Pepperfield. But, as I said in my Sticky Floor preview way back, this movie really had the Blades of Glory vibe — mild, slightly entertaining, but ultimately missing an opportunity for greatness.
Revelation #2: Diary of the Dead is 1/10 as good as Night of the Living Dead
Not to say it’s terrible, but Diary of the Dead is a frustrating experience. Essentially, this is Romero hitting the reset button on his own genre. The dead start coming to life in our present day of technology/information overload, but people still don’t know how to deal with it. The opening sequence is truly Romero-worthy and most of the social questions he raises are interesting. But that’s awkwardly balanced by characters who are too self-referential and direct with their messages. It doesn’t take long before you feel like you’re being hit over the head with the Obvious Hammer. The main characters are a bunch of college students. But not just any kind of college students. They’re FILM students! So one of them starts documenting what’s happening. Naturally, everyone gets annoyed with him, which in turn made me annoyed with them for complaining straight to camera. Along the way, they meet up with some truly interesting characters, such as an Amish fella and a band of military men. The movie hits a stride when they’re encountering other people, but any time it slows down to have them talk directly to camera about the horrors of technology and humanity, it slams on the brakes. Comparing this to Night of the Living Dead, (which isn’t fair, but necessary given they cover the same topic), Diary simply fails to match the horror of both the zombies and social topics broached. A handful of memorable scenes make this worth checking out, but I’d rather see a continuation of his original Dead series than follow the timeline presented here.
Revelation #3: Pork And Beans has already been done. A couple times.
I like the song. I find the video entertaining. But I read an LA Times article touting this as the perfect storm of YouTube culture, calling it, “unexpectedly compelling, and even literary.” They call it literary, even after acknowledging Miss Teen South Carolina as one of the video’s stars. The video is jammed with YouTube stars. Is there really a message to be gleaned from the Numa Numa guy that we didn’t already learn on South Park?
By the way, everyone must have missed this video from the Barenaked Ladies, released last year, which features some of the same YouTube “stars”:
Not quite a new concept. And certainly not literary or revolutionary. But hey, it’s a good song.
Revelation #4: The Real Super Mario Bros. 2 is FRICKIN’ IMPOSSIBLE!
This is the game deemed too difficult for Americans, which is why it was never released here until it hit the Virtual Console on Wii (Although it was available on the SNES cartridge Super Mario All Stars as “The Lost Levels.”) Any good will and memories you may have of the original Super Mario Bros. is shattered by the time you reach World 2 in SMB 2. I actually set aside time this weekend to focus and do some real damage in this game, and the furthest I got was to the castle on level 2-4. Then Bowser killed me. This game is menacing, unforgiving, and a staunch reminder that video games today are much easier than they were back in the day. Er, back in Japan. I have no doubt if this were released here in ’86, I would have spent countless hours learning all the warps and avoiding the fake Bowsers, but these days, I’ll be lucky to make it to World 3.
As you probably know, production has begun on Terminator 4, or as it’s now being called, Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins. (CLUNK!) And before everyone starts yelling, “Childhood Rape!” let’s take a look at what’s happening. Also, don’t yell that in a crowd. Full disclosure: I am a huge fan of the Terminator movies. I would say James Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger are about 30% responsible for my love of movies. T2 is my favorite movie of all time, a perfect action/sci-fi movie blending a great story with groundbreaking special effects and a frighteningly toned Linda Hamilton. I would say Linda Hamiltion is responsible for my fear of women in middle school (it certainly wasn’t their constant rejection, my giant glasses, or constantly cracking voice). I love the first two Terminators, and have affection for Terminator 3 because it’s got great chase scenes and a killer ending, even if it lacks that Cameron touch.
In all three movies, we’ve been teased with the prospect of a future war movie. You get glimpses of it, but it’s not until Terminator 3 that we’re actually pushed to the brink of war. Now Terminator fans are finally getting their wish. Are they happy? Of course not! T4 is the start of a new trilogy of future war movies, covering John Connor’s rise of the rebellion against the machines. People think that’s too many movies. The trilogy is being helmed by McG. People think McG is McStupid. Aint It Cool News posted a giant spoiler to the first movie of the trilogy and people are already piling on the hatred, especially since it has a backwards effect on the original Terminator movies. Ahh, get it? They’re sending bad ideas from the future to destroy the past!
There are positives to consider. Christian Bale will be playing John Connor. Awesome! He’s got the chops to bring some weight to the role, and if John Connor runs out of food in the future, you can rest assured Christian Bale will lose 50 pounds for the role. The trilogy, while carrying the Terminator name, can still be viewed separately from the two Cameron classics. Consider Terminator 3 the buffer, and think of these as someone else’s interpretation. This new trilogy is like the Clone Wars of the Terminator universe. It’s part of the canon, it’s entertaining, but it’s not essential to furthering the story. And finally, it’s the future wars we’ve always wanted to see. It has the potential to surprise and be really, really good.
Personally, I’m reserving judgment. I won’t pounce on the spoiler because I have no idea how the story will play out. It’s just too early to tell. But three movies about a war could be extremely taxing, especially since Cameron was able to get the point across in brief flashes. Also, I have never, ever, ever been the biggest fan of McG, but he did post this on the Terminator blog:
Also, I realize my name is ridiculous. I was born Joseph McGinty Nichol. McG is short for McGinty. I have been called this since the day I was born to create separation from my Uncle Joe and Grandpa Joe. I realize it sounds like some Hollywood nickname, hip-hop choice. But the truth is, this is simply my name – for every day of elementary school, every zit-filled day of high school. I have been taking shit for it ever since. I get it, I would think it’s lame too. But it’s just a name, and to change it now would seem fraudulent.
Although acknowledgment doesn’t equal absolution, it makes him slightly more tolerable. He had a choice way back when to use his full name in credits and he chose to go with a nickname instead.
Obviously we’re at a saturation point of franchise-raiding, and I can understand the frustration with that. One of these days someone’s gonna come up with a new idea, or people will wholly reject one of these recycled ideas. That hasn’t happened yet, no matter how much nerds want to complain (Star Wars Prequels: Success, Die Hard 4: Success, Indy 4: Success). If you feel like you and your franchises are getting f*cked, might as well enjoy it. Or take a roofie and pretend it never happened.
As you probably know, production has begun on Terminator 4, or as it’s now being called, Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins. (CLUNK!) And before everyone starts yelling, “Childhood Rape!” let’s take a look at what’s happening. Also, don’t yell that in a crowd. Full disclosure: I am a huge fan of the Terminator movies. I would say James Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger are about 30% responsible for my love of movies. T2 is my favorite movie of all time, a perfect action/sci-fi movie blending a great story with groundbreaking special effects and a frighteningly toned Linda Hamilton. I would say Linda Hamiltion is responsible for my fear of women in middle school (it certainly wasn’t their constant rejection, my giant glasses, or constantly cracking voice). I love the first two Terminators, and have affection for Terminator 3 because it’s got great chase scenes and a killer ending, even if it lacks that Cameron touch.
In all three movies, we’ve been teased with the prospect of a future war movie. You get glimpses of it, but it’s not until Terminator 3 that we’re actually pushed to the brink of war. Now Terminator fans are finally getting their wish. Are they happy? Of course not! T4 is the start of a new trilogy of future war movies, covering John Connor’s rise of the rebellion against the machines. People think that’s too many movies. The trilogy is being helmed by McG. People think McG is McStupid. Aint It Cool News posted a giant spoiler to the first movie of the trilogy and people are already piling on the hatred, especially since it has a backwards effect on the original Terminator movies. Ahh, get it? They’re sending bad ideas from the future to destroy the past!
There are positives to consider. Christian Bale will be playing John Connor. Awesome! He’s got the chops to bring some weight to the role, and if John Connor runs out of food in the future, you can rest assured Christian Bale will lose 50 pounds for the role. The trilogy, while carrying the Terminator name, can still be viewed separately from the two Cameron classics. Consider Terminator 3 the buffer, and think of these as someone else’s interpretation. This new trilogy is like the Clone Wars of the Terminator universe. It’s part of the canon, it’s entertaining, but it’s not essential to furthering the story. And finally, it’s the future wars we’ve always wanted to see. It has the potential to surprise and be really, really good.
Personally, I’m reserving judgment. I won’t pounce on the spoiler because I have no idea how the story will play out. It’s just too early to tell. But three movies about a war could be extremely taxing, especially since Cameron was able to get the point across in brief flashes. Also, I have never, ever, ever been the biggest fan of McG, but he did post this on the Terminator blog:
Also, I realize my name is ridiculous. I was born Joseph McGinty Nichol. McG is short for McGinty. I have been called this since the day I was born to create separation from my Uncle Joe and Grandpa Joe. I realize it sounds like some Hollywood nickname, hip-hop choice. But the truth is, this is simply my name – for every day of elementary school, every zit-filled day of high school. I have been taking shit for it ever since. I get it, I would think it’s lame too. But it’s just a name, and to change it now would seem fraudulent.
Although acknowledgment doesn’t equal absolution, it makes him slightly more tolerable. He had a choice way back when to use his full name in credits and he chose to go with a nickname instead.
Obviously we’re at a saturation point of franchise-raiding, and I can understand the frustration with that. One of these days someone’s gonna come up with a new idea, or people will wholly reject one of these recycled ideas. That hasn’t happened yet, no matter how much nerds want to complain (Star Wars Prequels: Success, Die Hard 4: Success, Indy 4: Success). If you feel like you and your franchises are getting f*cked, might as well enjoy it. Or take a roofie and pretend it never happened.
Semi-Pro did poorly in theaters and with critics, but if it’s even 1/10 as funny as the Old Spice commercials with Jackie Moon, then it’s probably worth seeing once.
THE VERDICT: SEMI-RENTAL (AS IN, BORROW/STEAL IT FROM A FRIEND)
Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights – From Hollywood to the Heartland
I still hate that title, and I know, for a lot of people, stand-up movies just aren’t worth their time. But hopefully this comes to HBO and we can all enjoy it without losing a spot on our Netflix queue.
THE VERDICT: IT’S SUMMER. THERE ARE TOO MANY OTHER GREAT CHOICES OUT THERE!
Meet The Spartans
You know that whole saying about keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer? It doesn’t apply to Meet The Spartans. Stay away AT ALL COSTS.
THE VERDICT: GIVEN THE CHOICE OF WATCHING THIS OR MURDERING PUPPIES, HARD CALL TO MAKE
Shark Swarm
I saw the cover for this and just had to let you know about it. It’s got a hilarious combo of Bo Duke, the mermaid from Splash, the unintelligible villain from Judge Dredd, and sharks acting like bees! And, oh my god, I just found the trailer — this was a Hallmark Original Horror Movie! My mind is officially blown.
THE VERDICT: BUY A HALLMARK SYMPATHY CARD, SEND IT TO HALLMARK FOR MAKING THIS MOVIE
