Okay, okay, here it is! A very special episode of Sticky Floor Friday. On-Location and With Guest! Sorry about the screwy framing. It was a loong weekend.
Hey all, Sorry for the lack of updates. I was stuck in a cabin in West Virginia with no internet access. Sticky Floor Friday will be up tonight…with a special guest!
I think it’s unanimous that the summer’s biggest flop so far has been Speed Racer. It failed right out of the gate, grabbing only $18 million its first weekend. For a movie that cost $120 million to make, that’s like paying a hooker for a blowjob but getting a punch in the nuts instead. I happened to stop by Box Office Mojo today to check out the daily box office for Monday, and happened to scroll down way past the top 10, beyond the top 15, and into “dollar discount and indie movie” territory. What did I find? Speed Racer at number 19, pulling in a whopping $16,000 on Monday. Now, I know no one goes by what movies make during the week, only between the precious Friday to Sunday slot, but this is more symbolic than anything. Take a look at the movie positioned directly above Speed Racer.
That’s right. JUMPER! A movie already out on DVD! Talk about a punch in the nuts. Hell, Speed Racer only made about $5 million more than Harold and Kumar, which literally cost 1/10 the budget. What does this monumental failure mean? Have the Wachowskis directed their last movie? Would anyone be willing to give them a big budget after the triple threat (creative) failure of Matrix Reloaded, Matrix Revolutions, and now Speed Racer? Will it make studios more hesitant to adapt long-dead properties for profit? Unfortunately, the answer is most likely no. There are enough long-dead properties making money that Speed Racer will simply be forgotten. And I’m sure the Wachowski’s will convince someone that they have one brilliant idea left.
So what went wrong? Personally, I think they had one great idea in The Matrix, stretched it out through two awful sequels, and lost all good will among fans. The Speed Racer brand wasn’t as strong as say, Indiana Jones or any Comic Book Movie, and couldn’t bring people to theaters. And finally, it was marketed as a family movie, but the trailers were confusing. Kids didn’t know who Speed Racer was, and parents didn’t want to re-live an acid trip in the theater. I don’t like to revel in movies that fail, but it’s fascinating when something goes catastrophically wrong, which is why I’m keeping a keen eye on The Love Guru.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Relevation #1: No Time For Love, Mike Myers.
The Love Guru got crushed this weekend, and I can’t say I’m surprised. Despite endless promotion (pandering), the movie just didn’t click with people. The trailer was unfunny, off-kilter, and vaguely offensive. Not to mention, the reviews were beyond rotten. I’d like to officially open the debate as to which movie was worse: The Love Guru, or Dana Carvey’s Master of Disguise.
Revelation #2: YouTube Hates The Nerd With Words. Changes Mind
In trying to get my videos on the site as quickly as possible, I sometimes go through YouTube. Well, apparently someone didn’t like my most recent video, because it was REMOVED from YouTube a day later, citing copyright problems. Was it the people behind Get Smart or The Love Guru who forced the video to be taken down?? Well, considering I dropped a giant X on Guru, my bet’s on the loser of the weekend. It’s very telling that every one of my previews use trailer footage, but this was the first to get taken down. But then, I checked my account today and the video was back up. Now I’m just confused.
Revelation #3: Hot Fuzz is a great movie, but a victim of its own gratuitousness
Last night I got caught up watching Hot Fuzz on HBO. It’s an extremely sharp, hilarious satire of action movies, but ultimately gets caught up its own rules to be as sleek and enjoyable as Shaun of the Dead. The biggest reason for this is the running time. I sat through an hour and a half of the movie only to turn it off with 30 minutes to go because I knew how much longer I had before it was over. By that point, they’ve busted the murder case wide open and had a firefight in the square, but there’s still so much more to go. Obviously that’s the point of Hot Fuzz — its fierce loyalty to over-the-top action movies requires it to be two hours long. Of course, I can never stay mad at a movie that idolizes Point Break.
Revelation #4: I Got A New Air Conditioner…With A Remote!
Hopefully I will be less ornery in the Sticky Floor Fridays to come. When I was handed the remote, I told the repair men that today is the greatest day of my life. Sad thing is, I think I believe myself.
George Carlin is my favorite comedian of all time. I was sad to hear the news this morning. I thank him for contributing greatly to my love of words. Without Carlin, this site very well might have been nerd.com.
Time to debut a new feature on the site: NerdCast, a crazy conversation between The Nerd and his friends about movies and pop culture. In the first episode, we discuss Strange Wilderness, Woody Allen’s Dirty Genius, The Love Guru, Boobs, and, of course, Hulk Penis. It’s 18 minutes of insanity, offensive enough for me to warn you not to play this on work speakers, in day care centers, or at M. Night Shyamalan’s house.
Click on the above image to listen immediately, or Right Click Here to save and put in your iPod. It’s great for working out!
Sure, this movie came and went in theaters pretty quickly, but it’s perfect for DVD. A funny concept with Jack Black recreating movies from memory, and it introduced the word “Sweding” into the YouTube crowd’s vocabulary. The result? People making their own movies from memory, like Jurassic Park. (although I guarantee they cheated a little bit.)
THE VERDICT: WAIT FOR HBO!
Her Azz So Thick
I’ll just let their description take it away:
“Another rump shaking hit!!! Watch as these thick in the trunk dancers show their assets. Get ready for some major Azz Overload in this movie!!! Shot live from the strip club capitol of Atlanta GA.”
Hollywood Reporter has given me a lead in my ongoing “Where’s Rick Moranis?” quest. He’s apparently resurfacing with Dave Thomas for “The Animated Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie,” which, as you can guess, is a cartoon that will only feature Moranis’s VOICE! Ah! So close, yet so far away. They’ll be reprising their classic characters most famous from SCTV and the classic Strange Brew. Fox has picked up the series, but keep in mind, they’ve been trying to make the Bob and Doug cartoon for a long time (since 2003, according to IMDB).
Anyway, all of this is a roundabout way of saying the search for Moranis continues. Since his last five projects have been animated, I took the liberty of offering up my own artist’s rendering of what he looks like today. Will we ever see a live action Rick Moranis again? Can someone please find the Gatekeeper!
Stan Winston passed away Sunday night. If you don’t recognize his name, you definitely know his work. He’s responsible for some of the greatest characters in film history. Here are just a few of the movies that Stan Winston made possible with his amazing FX work: Terminator, Terminator 2, Aliens, Jurassic Park, Predator. His makeup/practical effects are the reason people complain CG isn’t as good as the real thing. Thanks for all your movie magic, Mr. Winston.
