Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: Cloverfuckinfield is perfectly suitable for the small screen.
For the most part, I really enjoyed Cloverfuckinfield. What’s not to love about a 75 minute movie? I’m happy to report that all the incidents of people getting sick from seeing this in the theaters doesn’t translate to home video. A TV doesn’t envelope your field of vision like a movie screen, making it easy to stay grounded during Hud’s truly awful cinematography. “People are going to want to see this,” he says at one point. That may be true, Hud, so how about holding the damn camera still so people can ACTUALLY SEE it?? Cloverfuckinfield does a few things right, namely by having tiny spider beasts, (which have yet to ever NOT be scary in a movie) and by creating a true sense of dread throughout. If the beast is some sort of allegory for 9/11, it seems kind of cheap to play off the audience’s fear of that. But taken as a monster movie, Cloverfuckinfield is A-okay in my book. And it’s not afraid to end when it should, instead of stretching out to the requisite 90 minutes!
Revelation #2: Southland Tales really is a terrible, incomprehensible movie.
Refer to my video below for the true horror I experienced with this movie. I was never a huge Donnie Darko fan, and I knew going in this was going to be a mess, but it’s pretty much unwatchable. It’s like one of those sci-fi ideas you would cook up as a ten-year-old, thinking you’re a genius for coming up with a story about twins who are actually the same person from different points in time! And if they touch, the universe explodes! Didn’t we cover that in Back To The Future? This movie is convoluted, meandering, and just plain silly. It’s supposed to cover heavy topics such as the apocalypse, terrorism, and restriction of freedom. Instead, it has you wondering things like, ‘Wow, haven’t seen Christoper Lambert in a long time,’ ‘How did he convince all these people to be in this movie?’ and ‘I kinda wish the real apocalypse would happen so this movie could end.’
Revelation #3: People were as ambivalent towards Prince Caspian as I was!
Sure, it made $55 million, but that’s about 15 million less than the first movie. Chances are this movie is going to disappear pretty quickly, especially going up against INDIANA FREAKIN’ JONES this week. In other news, Speed Racer only made about $8 million. This has to be one of the biggest bombs in recent history, right? That movie cost a ton!
Revelation #4: It’s Time For Rick Moranis To Make A Comeback.
Seriously, when was the last time you saw Rick Moranis? It probably wasn’t in 1997’s Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, because no one saw that, but that’s the last time his image was committed to celluloid. What happened? 11 years and no one wants to put this guy in a movie? He was a pretty big comedy presence in the ’80s, you would think he’d get a bit part here or there. Something must have happened. I may just make it my mission to get the answer. Who else wants to see a documentary of the Nerd With Words traipsing around Toronto in search of Dark Helmet?
Okay, so Indiana Jones debuted at Cannes today, which means reviews are going to start pouring in from everywhere. Variety has just released their review, you can click to read if you’re so inclined. And guess what?? It’s POSITIVE! I only skimmed over the first paragraph, since I’m trying to go in to the movie fresh, but I just wanted to warn everyone that if you’re looking to avoid spoilers, stop looking at all media outlets right now (except Nerd With Words, where I would never offer any spoilers!). It’s going to start raining reviews over the next few days, this is just a reminder to bring an umbrella.
This is Francis Ford Coppola’s first movie since 1997’s The Rainmaker, so it’s on the list for that reason. The movie is about an old man who gets struck by lightning and starts to age backwards. It didn’t get great reviews or pull in an audience. It’s pretty much an arthouse film, but I’m curious to see Coppola back in action.
THE VERDICT: NOT THE GODFATHER, BUT NOT QUITE JACK
Indiana Jones - The Adventure Collection!
Okay, if you haven’t gotten the trilogy on DVD yet, the obvious cash-in re-issue is coming out today. Apparently it’s got some new documentaries and commentary with Lucas and Spielberg, but this set is only for those who don’t already own it…or for those who love adventure, apparently.
THE VERDICT: CASH-IN ATTEMPT!
Welcome to the NHK Vol 4: 4th Conspiracy
I have no clue what this is, but I found the box art hilarious. How do you play to sad, lonely nerds? Anime Underpants!
VERDICT: YOU’RE A WEIRDO!
Games
Boom Blox
Okay, this came out last week, but I didn’t mention it because I wasn’t sure of its nerdworthiness. Boom Blox is the first video game from Steven Spielberg and it’s definitely not what you would ever expect. The essential idea involves blowing up environments with a bunch of blocks. No sharks or aliens or whip-crackers. Just a bunch of exploding blocks. It’s getting good reviews and is best played with friends, so if you’re in Blockbuster, this might be worth checking out.
VERDICT: RENT IT!
Nerd Gadgets
R2D2 Ice Bucket
I saw this on Gizmodo and couldn’t resist. It’s an R2 ice bucket with Carbonite Han ice cubes. They already beat me to the obvious joke, so I’ll just use their quote to describe this awesome lady-repellent.
What ladies will be able to resist the combo of your charm, your extensive knowledge of Dr. Who episodes and a vodka soda kept cold by Han Solo? No ladies, that’s who. No ladies.
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
Revelation #1: I Didn’t Miss Anything By Waiting Four Years To See Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle
Finally giving in to something I consciously denied myself the past four years, I watched Harold and Kumar this weekend. It turned out to be pretty much exactly what I suspected: a mild, inoffensive, and generally pleasant movie. Not exactly what you want in a comedy. Sure, Neil Patrick Harris was funny, and the idea of finding the perfect stoner food (and thinking it’s White Castle) is funny, but the movie itself just kinda came and went with only a handful of chuckles. The main characters of Harold and Kumar are likable in the same way that I like eating toast for breakfast — I don’t mind it, but would ditch toast in a second for some waffles. The subplots involving the EXTREME crew, love interests, and cheetahs fell flat and took away from a good, simple premise. I do commend it for being a stoner movie without a lot of blatant stoner jokes, but don’t forgive an unfunny scene involving the game “Battleshit.”
Revelation #2: SNL Doesn’t Need Hosts
Unless your last name is Walken, expect only bit parts and guest spots in someone else’s sketch. Aside from the opening monologue, hosts rarely play a pivotal role in the episode. Although I did like Shia Lebeouf as a magician in “It’s A Match”.
Revelation #3: Kelly Taylor’s Coming Back To 90210!
Jennie Garth is going to star in the 90210 spinoff. How will she be used in the show? As a guidance counselor at West Beverly. I guess that whole fashion business thing didn’t quite pan out. By the way, don’t you need some sort of education degree to become a counselor? Perhaps Kelly just turned in a resume of her life experience. If that’s the case, you could do worse than a girl who was raped, stalked, pregnant, not pregnant, caught in a fire, lured into a cult, addicted to drugs, and, I think, shot.
Revelation #4: Speed Racer: No One Cares
Surprise, surprise. Speed Racer raked in about the same amount of money as What Happens In Vegas this weekend ($20 million). I gave this a Matinee Recommendation based purely on the insane visuals, but this movie really has no audience. It’s definitely being marketed towards kids (as I witnessed Friday while watching about 10 minutes of Cartoon Network and being bombarded by literally 7 Speed Racer toy commercials and trailers), but kids have no connection to Speed Racer. It’s being marketed to nerds because it’s based on some weak anime cartoon and directed by the Wachowski’s. But nerds are prone to listen to anything they read on the internet, therefore proclaiming movies as failures before they see a single frame (And no, this is NOT the premise of Sticky Floor Friday). This movie would never pull in the female demographic, so I guess that only leaves old people who would actually remember the cartoon, and thrill seekers looking to endure an epileptic seizure. I’m shocked this movie didn’t make money!
Here’s a little something I edited for a comedy show by my friend Michael Busch. Pay attention and you’ll catch a recognizable graphic and sound effect from Sticky Floor Friday. My favorite part? Peppers, onions, poison.
Boom. Here it is! I’ve watched this several times and the one thing that stands out to me is that it’s going to look beautiful on the big screen. Earlier footage looked a little stiff, but this trailer has made me a believer. I’m still holding out to see how this whole, “rescue Jabba’s kid” storyline pans out. I have no idea why Jedi would be involved with kidnapping negotiations between a gangster and some renegades, except that it’s probably part of a bigger conspiracy. Also, if you’re wondering why Mace Windu sounds exactly like Samuel L. Jackson, it’s because it IS him. Kick ass!
