“Ass-wise…things going in there?”
Are you at work? Don’t watch this!
Movies
RamFuckinBo!
Stallone’s resurrection of everyone’s favorite bandanna’d hero is a strange, bloody two-sided coin. On one side, you have Stallone addressing the serious issue of genocide and needless violence in Burma. On the other side, you have Rambo solving the problem of needless violence with more violence. Luckily, the movie makes you hate the enemy so much that when Rambo is finally called into action, and body parts are literally EXPLODING from sniper fire, you can’t help but feel satisfied. Rambo delivers everything it promises, and actually provides an interesting group of characters to back him up in action. It reminded me of the old days, when movies like Predator would give you a badass squad of mercenaries looking to do some damage. If you don’t think violence solves everything, it’s time to see why you’re wrong. RAMBO!
THE VERDICT: OWN IT!
Games
Dr. Mario Online Rx
I love Dr. Mario. It’s one of the most addicting video games I’ve ever played. And now, WiiWare has just released it for download! This version has a couple different gameplay modes, including online two-player action, and a crazy four-player edition. For only ten bucks, this is easily the best deal of the week!
THE VERDICT: GET INFECTED!
Hey there. How was your weekend? Mine was filled with revelations. See, the weekend is generally the time I watch the most movies and television, usually compiling a list in my head of notes and observations that would otherwise go unheard. Aren’t you lucky?
This weekend was mostly dedicated to Indiana Jones, so let’s get crackin! Don’t worry, the whip jokes will end soon.
Revelation #1: Nazis Are So Annoying!
After watching both Raiders and Last Crusade this weekend, I was happy to see Indy do battle with the Russkies in IJATKOTKS (Easily the best/hardest-to-type/worst abbreviation for a movie ever). Especially in Last Crusade, the Nazis just didn’t pack the punch they had in the original. Sure, Harrison gets a Hancock from Hitler, but everything seems a bit more vague in the, er, “Last” installment. It was good to pump some new blood into the series, and I thoroughly enjoyed the ’50s setting of the new movie. It was exciting, as if Indy had been dropped in another time and place, and perhaps a different movie altogether. It’s also weird to think the Indiana Jones timeline is about 50 years behind ours. Everyone accepts bringing Indy to the ’50s because it explains his age, but by now, we also have to accept he’ll never catch up to us. He’d be about 115 years old if they did Indiana Jones And The Age Of The Internet Access unless, of course, he stumbled upon a time machine, which after this latest installment is definitely within the realm of possibility. Bottom line: Nazi. I hate those guys.
Revelation #2: I Think My Theater Switched the Last Reel of Indy with A.I.
I’ll have more to say on the entire Crystal Skull movie later, but for the majority of the movie, I was smiling like a big idiot. I will admit that the ending fell off the rails for me, and I started to wonder why I was watching A.I. I don’t have a problem with the alien storyline. It’s a logical plotline for the time period of the movie, and plausible if you’re willing to accept the first three movies. But I think if this weren’t the age of CGI, the ending would have been handled in a more clever manner. They didn’t have to show so much to get the point across. I was with the movie to the end, through the fridge-flying, through the vine-swinging (barely), and through the waterfalls, but as soon as that Crystal Skull was returned to its rightful neck, I knew I was gonna be shown too much. There’s talk of knowledge being a treasure, but I wish this one was at least partially buried. I think it would have been more effective.
Revelation #3: Harrison Ford is a MAN!
Is he seriously 65? Seriously? I don’t even look that good NOW and I’m 55% younger than him!
Revelation #4: No One Cheered When The Lucasfilm Logo Came Up This Time
For every Star Wars movie I’ve seen, the audience clapped when the Lucasfilm logo popped up. This time around — nothing. Was this a theater full of people who were “burned” by the prequels? His last movie was Revenge of the Sith, and that’s generally accepted as a worthy entry to the series, and sort of a redeemer for a lot of haters. Was this apprehension? I know it can’t be that everyone in the theater hates him, because they paid for their damn ticket.
Revelation #5: My Childhood Is Still Intact!
I did it! I still have a childhood! More than anything, Crystal Skull is meant to give you a glimpse into the things you used to enjoy. I actually admired how outrageous the set pieces were, especially after just watching the original movies, it was fun to see some completely unexpected moments mixed in to the classic Indy formula. Had we seen another movie where Indy fought Nazis and went back after the Ark, people would have claimed it was a retread. Crystal Skull is something completely strange and unfamiliar to the world of Indiana Jones, and I had a great time watching it. I’ll readily admit there are scenes too goofy even for me, but there was so much energy to the movie, by the time you were turning to the person next to you saying, “That was ridiculous!” Indy and co. were already on to something else. If you didn’t enjoy Crystal Skull for its pulpy goodness, it may be time to re-evaluate what you’re looking for in a movie.
Nerd With Words and the Temple of Excitement!
Ooh, special Thursday edition! Will there be a sequel??
Diary of the Dead
I am so stupid. In my delirious Indy excitement this week, I totally forgot to mention that George Romero’s DIARY OF THE DEAD came on DVD this week! A zombie movie set in a Blair Witch (Or do we now just reference Cloverfield?) world. Sounds good to me! Romero is the Master, the originator of zombie movies, and I am excited to add this to my collection! I just wish they didn’t have that stupid “EXTREME” logo in the corner.
THE VERDICT: RUN LIKE A DAWN OF THE DEAD REMAKE ZOMBIE TO BUY THIS!
Today’s the day! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is finally being unearthed for audiences across the country. My excitement level is pretty high. I’m glad the reviews have been coming in positive, but I think no matter what, there will always be an undercurrent of negativity directed at revived franchises.
Indy has always been about pure entertainment. He lives in a strange, supernatural world and because he’s so astonished by his findings, it’s easy for the audience to go along for the ride. There’s always an abundance of action, sticky situations that require quick thinking, and silly jokes. Anyone walking into Crystal Skull expecting anything more than that is foolish and deserves to have their “childhood raped” (in the words of bitching talkbackers).
Seriously, I’m the first person to admit I have an unhealthy obsession with Star Wars, to the point where I love every single movie from the series, despite their flaws (and also own a sizable collection of unopened toys, but let’s not dwell on that). I have high expectations, but always try to approach these movies from a kid’s perspective. Because, really, that’s why we love all these movies — we loved them as kids. We saw them at an impressionable age where you could still dream of becoming a fedora-wearing archaeologist, a Jedi Master, or even a Goonie. As you grow up and realize you’re just an accountant with a plastic lightsaber, it’s harder to be enchanted by films. So you’re eternally chasing that high you used to get watching Ghostbusters as a kid, expecting to have a transcendent experience that will change your life again. That’s why people are always disappointed with these big movies. They beg and hope and pray for another installment, then call Lucas a failure when he can’t make them six again.
At no point do I ever feel like Lucas has ruined my childhood by making new movies, and I don’t think having a new Indiana Jones adventure can ever be a bad thing. I understand if someone simply didn’t like a movie, but when people start claiming they’re forever scarred by the experience, I’m baffled. Besides, if you don’t like a movie, go out and make your own. See how simple it is to capture imaginations. It’s a lot easier to be a critic than a creator.
Now go out and ENJOY the return of Dr. Jones!!
It’s strange how things work. Just yesterday I was making my first Christopher Lambert reference since I saw Mortal Kombat in theaters, and then, comes this news that they’re going to remake his decapitation classic, Highlander. Much like Highlanders themselves, movies last forever. So, the real question is, if there are two versions of the original Highlander, will the DVD’s spend the rest of eternity hunting each other down, trying to steal the other’s power?
I love the original Highlander, mostly due to the fact that Christopher Lambert made up his own accent because he figured a guy who’s lived for hundreds of years would pick up a bunch of dialects. But also because of the head chopping and totally sweet soundtrack (lots of Queen, I think). Unfortunately, the series went downhill quickly with the aptly titled Highlander II: The Quickening, followed by, like, four more movies and a TV show. And since Hollywood is now simply the land of remakes, there’s worse source material out there than this. All I ask is, cast Christopher Lambert in the Sean Connery role. I want to hear his ridiculous accent again!
National Treasure 2
What? You can’t wait two days to see the original treasure hunter return to theaters?? Good god, man, how much treasure seeking do you demand in one week? You shouldn’t have to settle for a pale imitation! I know some people dig the National Treasure movies for their fluffiness. Just remember how things get fluffy. By being whipped. By Indiana Jones.
THE VERDICT: HOLD OFF A FEW DAYS FOR THE REAL DEAL!
Strange Wilderness
For anyone who thinks I’ve been too stingy on Sticky Floor Friday, you can always reference my Strange Wilderness matinée recommendation as proof of slack standards. I seem to recall the box office being especially slow that weekend, and I may or may not have been under the influence of four too many Fun Dip packets. Regardless, this movie was made for a video audience, and will probably play on each of the 10 HBO channels for about three months straight.
THE VERDICT: RENT IF STONED, WAIT FOR HBO IF TOO STONED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
Games
Wii Fit
Hey Fatty! Jump on this board! Oh my god, you’re fat! Play this game non-stop to lose weight! How old are you? Oh. Ten? Oops. Well the Wii Fit is finally here, and aside from spawning too many video game jokes in my head to catalog, it’s taking the right step towards forcing lazy kids to move around the living room a little bit. The problem comes in when ten-year-olds complain that the game called them fat. It’s only a matter of time before someone sues Nintendo because the game didn’t make them skinny.
THE VERDICT: BUY IT IF YOU RARELY SEE SUNLIGHT!
