When I first moved out to Los Angeles almost six years ago, I made a birthday celebration video for my dad, showing off my fantastic apartment and the indulgent lifestyle of Hollywood elite. This is that video.
Clearly, it’s been a busy week.
There’s been a lot of talk this past week about the “pregnant man.” It reached its peak with his/her time/soul-sucking hour on Oprah, in which Oprah squirmed through awkward questions like, “Let’s talk about what’s going on with the genitalia.” Of course, “pregnant man” quickly loses its luster once you find out the “man” is actually a woman who had her breasts removed and was pumped with hormones. Alas, we will not be getting a sequel to Junior.
Leave it to “South Park” to jump all over the story. This week’s episode, titled “Eek! A Penis” employs a formula that Trey Parker is not a big fan of: Multiple, separate storylines. Lucky for us, they’re both strong, absurd, and hilarious.
Using the “pregnant man” as its jumping point, the episode begins with Mrs. Garrison freaking out in class, realizing his sex change was a mistake. Unfortunately, Garrison went all the way with his sex change, as graphically detailed in “Mr. Garrison’s Fancy New Vagina.” He’s removed from class and replaced with a student for the day. Naturally, power-hungry Cartman does his best to get Principal Victoria’s attention and wins the job.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Garrison finds out the local laboratory is doing genetic testing on mice. They’ve already grown an ear on a mouse, so Garrison sees a window of opportunity. He heads to the lab and offers all the money he has for them to grow him a penis. Hm. Seems logical enough. At school, Cartman has turned the class around, helping them score the highest grades ever. The Denver County School Board enlists him to teach inner city kids, and you just know there’s a movie parody coming. Personally, I was hoping for Lean On Me but instead we got Stand and Deliver.
Cartman transforms himself into the Edward James Olmos character, shaving his head, creating a comb over, and insisting they call him Mr. Cartmenez. All the cliches of inner city school movies are held to the fire, from the pregnant, hopeless teen to the reluctant, defiant student. But with Cartmenez as the teacher, the roles are reversed. Cartmenez teaches the students all about the value of cheating, citing Bill Belicheck, a man who cheated in front of the world and wasn’t punished for it. He prove his point by cracking a student with a baton during a basketball game and convincing the pregnant teen to get an abortion because it’s the “ultimate form of cheating,” repeatedly pondering out loud, “How can I reeeeach theeese keeeeds?”
Five paragraphs in and I haven’t even mentioned the Penis Mouse. Forgive me! While Cartmenez is doing his thing, Garrison is busy checking up on his penis, which is growing on a mouse. Everything’s going well until when he opens the box to test out the little critter and it escapes from the lab. This sets off a wild penis chase with the mouse running all over town scaring all the women. Not only is the image of a tiny mouse with a floppy penis on its back a ridiculously great “What the f*ck!” moment, it gives Garrison a chance to toss out classic lines like, “Boys, have you seen my penis? If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese.” I promise you’ll never see or hear those things anywhere other than “South Park.”
And just when you think you’ve seen it all, in the middle of the chase, the mouse and the penis have a Fievel-esque ballad under the moon. Why? Why not! The episode wraps up with the return of MR. Garrison, and Cartmenez receiving a plaque for teaching the inner city kids “The White People Method.” There’s some message about women being defined by whether they can have kids, but it’s not really important. And for this episode, that’s a good thing. It didn’t get bogged down in messages and didn’t force the issue like “Canada on Strike.” They just told two really funny stories, one of which had to do with a running joke about a running penis.
South Park Eek A Penis Review: 10 arbitrary penis-phobic women out of 12
Thanks to everyone who watched “Yeah! Weed!”, the video made it on the front page of Funny Or Die!! Granted, it’s not at the very top yet, but maybe if you watch it about 12 more times and vote funny, it could get there. If that happens, I’ll give everyone 12 theoretical Internet dollars! You can spend that nowhere!
Thanks to everyone who watched “Yeah! Weed!”, the video made it on the front page of Funny Or Die!! Granted, it’s not at the very top yet, but maybe if you watch it about 12 more times and vote funny, it could get there. If that happens, I’ll give everyone 12 theoretical Internet dollars! You can spend that nowhere!
I made this. You watch it. Vote funny. Tell your friends!
On my way to the movies today, I pulled out of my driveway to find this waiting for me! Being the dedicated nerd I am, I risked damaging Mach 5 (er, my Saturn), to snap a pic for everyone to enjoy.
When I got to the theater, I was confronted by an Indy standee with two astonishing sights: The first was Oversized Harrison Ford Head (is it me, or does it look like he’s cracking a smile for the camera?). And the second was Tiny, Headless Harrison Ford. I know what you’re thinking…
Indy’s head is not in my pocket. I swear. The Indy Marketing Blitz Has Begun!
Okay, time to redeem myself after last week’s April Fool’s DVD Tuesday. We’ve got a good week!
I may like There Will Be Blood simply because I saw it at a 21+ screening, which allowed alcoholic drinks during the movie. Or maybe it’s just really, really good. I’m not the biggest Paul Thomas Anderson fan, especially when I hear people refer to him as “PTA.” Pretentious tendencies aside, I respect his skills, and think There Will Be Blood is confident, unique filmmaking. Even if you don’t dig the movie, you will be captivated by Daniel Day-Lewis. His performance is compelling, disturbing, and so over-the-top you won’t be able to take your eyes off him. And yes, everyone who hasn’t seen this can finally understand the whole “I drink your milkshake” craze. Let’s just hope this doesn’t bring it back. Oh, and if you really despise the movie, knock back a few drinks. It helps.
THE VERDICT: RENT IT, OR BUY IT IF YOU CALL THE DIRECTOR “PTA”
I saw Walk Hard in the theater. It was over Christmas, and I had to drag my parents to see it with me (You’re understanding the nerd label more and more, aren’t you?). I couldn’t get anyone to see it with me. Why? Lack of friends. Not really. It’s because most people in Ohio had no awareness of the movie. That’s a shame, because Walk Hard is a funny movie, anchored by an unbelievable John C. Reilly. He plays the character as if he were a real legend, which makes it that much more effective. THIS is the type of parody/spoof I keep begging for. It’s got some truly hilarious moments, songs with catchy hooks (I caught my dad singing “Walk Hard” a few days later), and a subject ripe for parody. I have a few complaints. It does run too long for a comedy, Dewey’s father wasn’t funny at all, and the story, while parodying every rock excess cautionary tale, is way too predictable. But this is worth a rent for Reilly’s performance (for lovers of cinema), the ridiculous amount of hidden cameos (for lovers of Where’s Waldo?), and a gratuitous penis shot (for lovers of penis).
THE VERDICT: RENT IT
During my preview of Stop-Loss in last week’s Sticky Floor Friday, I mentioned war movies that have been bombing, er, failing at the box office. Lions For Lambs is one I had in mind. Despite having Tom Cruise, Robert Redford, and Meryl Streep, this movie went nowhere fast. People just don’t want this type of preachertainment right now, and I’m with them.
VERDICT: JUST WATCH CNN
Two words. Simon Pegg.
I’m back, sporting a new Josh Brolin hairstyle (because I’m too lazy to get a haircut) and a crop of new movies to not recommend. Hey, maybe there’s one in there. Watch and find out!
