Today is the last day for the No Country For Old Men Quiz: Round 2! I will be picking a winner on Tuesday, so get your quizzes in to win a mystery DVD!
If for some reason clicking on Chigurh doesn’t work, CLICK HERE!
Happy Easter Everyone. I hope you’re enjoying some ham and, if you’re lucky, the torturous screams of Jesus in Passion Of The Christ. (although I prefer Last Temptation)
This week, I thought I’d celebrate the return of Bob and David to HBO (Yeah, that’s right!) with a classic sketch from Mr. Show with Bob and David. It’s called The Audition, and it’s one of the best written pieces of comedy out there. I would put this thing up against any live sketches SNL has done in the past 5 years!
“Yes. It’s a good play!”
Yes folks, there’s your live action Snake Eyes, an exact replica of everyone’s favorite silent assassin. Keep in mind that’s Darth Maul himself, Ray Park, underneath the sleek ninja duds, so expect some epic battles with Stormshadow!
I wonder if Ray Park is ever upset that all his characters are either silent or have their lines overdubbed. (with the exception of X-Men, even though I wouldn’t have been against a silent Toad.)
Here’s the USA Today story.
Can we break last week’s no-recommendation slump? See what I think of Drillbit Taylor, Shutter, and Meet The Browns!
Holy. Shit. Okay. I know last week I said it’s difficult as a South Park fan to be shocked anymore, but five minutes into Wednesday’s episode I was proven horrifically wrong. Didn’t see that coming.
This week’s episode, titled “Britney’s New Look” delves into our culture’s endless obsession with celebrities. In the sickening new age of TMZ, Perez Hilton, and any other blogger smart enough to open Microsoft Paint and draw cum shots on people’s faces, our thirst for celebrity blood is reaching critical mass. “Britney’s New Look” simply takes its rightful end..You know, with a little corn harvest and camel toe thrown in for good measure.
It open with the boys being forced by Randy Marsh, Stan’s dad, to watch a presidential debate. The debate is interrupted by the local news to cover BRITNEY WATCH! It turns out Britney was trying to get away from the pressures of Hollywood by going camping in Colorado. Instead of getting away, Britney is photographed pissing on a ladybug. There’s an awesome, recurring gag about people’s reactions to the photos. The newscaster mentions that the offensive bits have been blurred in the photo, and when they cut to the pic, Britney’s face is blurred instead of the ridiculous stream of piss shooting out of her. The boys learn that the guy who took the photo sold it for $100,000, so they want their share and decide to get a picture themselves.
At the beginning of the episode, I started thinking back to the Paris Hilton episode, where Butters was forced to dressed up as Mr. Biggles the bear. Just as that thought pops in my head, here comes Butters dressed like a squirrel. Their plan is to get a picture of Britney taking a dump on a squirrel. God, I love Butters. The boys sneak in the room pretending to be her kids, and when Britney finds out she’s been duped again, South Park takes a step beyond Cartman giving Kyle AIDS. Britney pulls out a shotgun from behind her back and puts it to her head. For sure I thought the kids would stop her. But oh no. Britney blasts her head clean off (Well, sort of). What follows is the greatest 30 seconds of silence ever. The four kids stand, wide-eyed, mouths agape, in pure shock. And that, dear nerds, is how you shock.
But wait, there’s more! Because Britney’s not dead! The rest of the episode, Britney only has half a head, much like a zombie from the Dawn of the Dead remake. Instead of talking, she just gurgles, sounding a lot like Scuzzlebutt. So, for literally 20 minutes, Britney Spears is running around with only a lower jaw. The paparazzi and media seem to ignore this malady, but continue to point out her camel toe and scars.
At this point, the kids just want to get Britney to safety. Their plan is to take her to the North Pole, but the episode takes another twist to hammer its point home. It can never just be a straight story about a pop star with half a head on South Park, can it? It’s revealed there’s a giant conspiracy to kill Britney, or at least, a need for her to die. The hordes of people chasing her relate her imminent death to human sacrifice, and point out that she needs to die for the corn harvest to be good this year. I guess Trey Parker figured, ‘Well, this episode is batshit crazy as it is, why not throw a corn harvest in there?’ It all ends with a frightening scene of the mob surrounding Britney, closing in on her and taking pictures of her until she curls up and dies. It’s spot-on satire, even if I don’t completely agree with the sentiment.
This was a quintessential South Park episode; shocking, twisted, sharp, and hilarious. It makes some great observations about our celeb-obsessions and the media’s contribution to it, and nobody can say Britney Watch! like Trey Parker. I only have one complaint. Referring back to the Paris Hilton episode, Matt and Trey railed against her as a talentless whore who was teaching children how to act like spoiled sluts. But this episode, they take the side of celebrities who are unable to escape the spotlight. It’s hard to distinguish some of Britney’s behavior with what Paris has done in public, so their stance loses some of its impact. You’re sending a mixed message if you humiliate Britney Spears by having her stumble around headless for 20 minutes, and then tell people to lay off in the same episode. But that’s what’s great about South Park. They’re equal opportunity offenders whose sole task is to point out how ridiculous both sides are, and let Nerds like me try and sort it out.
Britney’s New Look Rating: 35 Arbitrary Stars out of 40.
When we last saw Jack Ryan, he was busy looking a lot like Ben Affleck, hanging out at football games, and adding up Fear. Now he’s getting another revival, this time by Sam Raimi! Few details have emerged aside from Raimi’s love of the character. According to Variety, it would be a series of films following Ryan early in his career, following the James Bond trend and attempting to keep up with the Bourne series. I guess this means we can count out Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, or Ben Affleck as candidates to reprise the role. It will be interesting to see what Raimi does with this kind of material. I’m encouraged by his work on A Simple Plan, which was a great thriller that ratcheted up the suspense. Raimi’s movies always take on an exaggerated, comic-book style, spinning their genres in strange directions (Quick And The Dead comes to mind), so who knows where Jack Ryan’s headed!
A couple heavy hitters come out today, but having already seen them, I’m not excited to revisit.
Before “I Am Legend” was released last year, it had been kicking around for a long time. It’s been in the hands of the biggest stars of our time. Tom Cruise, Michael Douglas, and Arnold all tried to get the movie made throughout the years, but complications always kept it down. At one point, it was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie directed by Ridley Scott. Then it was a Michael Bay movie with Will Smith. When the dust finally settled, it would be Francis Lawrence (“Constantine, Britney Spears “I’m A Slave 4 U” Music Video) and Will Smith holding the script. And the first half of this movie is some of Smith’s finest acting. It’s quiet, subdued, a little stir crazy, and extremely effective. But the moment the zombies, er I’m sorry, infected start showing up, the movie unravels. I’ve been following Francis Lawrence’s career since he was making videos for MTV…not so much because I liked his work, but because he always felt the need to bog down every video with unnecessary CG effects. I couldn’t enjoy any of his work because I was too distracted. And the same goes for “Legend.” The infected are just a bunch of computer generated people who could have been infinitely more frightening had they just been real actors in some convincing prosthetics. Never at one point do I believe they occupy the same scene as Will Smith, and that cripples the movie. The fact that this movie took so long to make and was mucked up by poor effects makes it all the more disappointing.
That said, I would recommend the first half of this movie to anyone who loves Will Smith. And as soon as you see one of the infected, pop in 28 Days Later and pretend that’s the end of the movie.
THE VERDICT: RENT IT, WATCH THE FIRST 40 MINUTES, THEN GO TO BED.
I have an unpopular opinion of Atonement. Obviously, because it was nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. When I left the theater, I could understand why the Academy liked it. It looked beautiful, it was a period piece, and it was boring. Now, as anyone who watches Sticky Floor Friday knows, period pieces make me sleepy. But I really did give this movie a chance. There’s a big, life-changing event that occurs in the first half of the movie, but I must have been expecting something else because it didn’t have much of an impact on me. Part of that may be my feelings towards Keira Knightley, who didn’t really convince me of anything except that she should have a hamburger. Her and James Mcavoy are, apparently, madly in love with each other. I never bought into that, which makes it hard to enjoy a love story. My other problem with the story is the ending. I won’t give anything away, but there’s a time jump that is meant to be touching, and it’s just too jarring for my taste. The whole movie is set up a certain way, and in the end, we’re hurled very far away.
On a positive note, the sound design and music are fairly ingenious, and hold much more weight once you’ve seen the ending. It also has the most complicated, amazing shot I’ve ever seen in a film, which a YouTube user graciously (and illegally) uploaded. (starts at :46 seconds in and ends…never)
THE VERDICT: JUST WATCH THE CLIP ABOVE AND CALL IT A DAY!
I am by no means going to recommend “Southland Tales,” Richard Kelly’s first film since the cult classic “Donnie Darko,” but a sick, twisted part of me wants to endure it. From what I’ve read and been told, “Southland Tales” is a colossal failure of a movie, a result of Kelly buying into his own “Darko” hype. When it premiered at Cannes in 2006, “Southland” had a lot of people walking out to a chorus of boos. Whenever I hear that about a movie, a curious part of me needs to know why! But then, I enjoy inflicting cinematic pain on myself. Please, don’t see this movie. Just live vicariously through me and read my take on it whenever I get around to renting it.
THE VERDICT: NO!!!!!!!!!
Well, someone went and did it. A website named Pixeloo turned everyone’s favorite plumber into a photorealistic, bloodshot, unshaven, wrinkly nightmare. This Photoshop creation is just another in a long line of Creepy Mario incarnations. There are so many, in fact, that I’ve created a new scale of Creepiness based on the different versions of Live Action Mario, which can be used in everyday life.
Click on the pic to enlarge it.
For instance — An old man wants to show you his collection of stamps? That’s Albano Mario Creepy. An old man wants to show you his collection of Boys’ Life back issues? That’s Ron Jeremy Mario Creepy. An old man wants to show you his collection of Boy’s Life back issues…without any pants? That’s Photoshop Mario Creepy. Feel free to use this scale liberally.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone! How did you celebrate? Here’s a glimpse into my celebration.
Not shown: A bootleg viewing of the Star Wars Holiday Special. This just in — It’s shockingly bad!
